Enjoying Summer

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

It’s another beautiful summer day here in Minneapolis.  And it’s not raining!  I suppose that’s the most current weather joke I can tell considering how much rain has fallen this month.  But at least it’s not snowing…and it’s not -10F either.  This is the season in the Minnesota cycle of seasons that most appealed to me when I moved here in October, 2012.  And yet the weather has been anything but very normal since I moved here.  I’m just pleased to see so much lush greenery now.  It’s a feast for my eyes.

So in speaking with my vocational rehabilitation counselor today I learned I apparently have qualified for some sort of assistance.  I will learn more on Thursday morning at my appointment.  I am excited that I am finally beginning to move beyond the extremely challenging circumstances that bedeviled me for so many months.  Between now and Thursday morning I need to spend a bit of time reviewing the notes I have made about what I would like to do as a profession the remainder of my life….or at least for the foreseeable future.  I am excited to feel so alive again and to also be contemplating new and different possibilities for what work I will do.

In preparing for my appointment with my therapist today I made some different notes.  I shared some of these in my writing here in my blog yesterday.  I plan to spend part of the session speaking about the concept of ‘Complex PTSD’ and its potential relevance to my own health history and future life.

I feel quite good despite the slight adjustment downwards I made in my antidepressant medication dosage.  This time of year it can be quite easy to get off antidepressants.  January is quite another matter.  But underneath the smile I am trying to consciously practice more often there is still that deep grief.  But my grief feels muted compared to other times of the year when the world is emerging from winter or preparing to slide into winter.  I just want to enjoy these beautiful summer days as much as possible.

This time last year I was taking medication to address the lung issue that had at that point been troubling me for weeks.  I can still recall having to hide from the sunlight during the brightest time of the year because the antibiotic I was on can result in photo-toxicity.  It’s nice to not be a vampire in the summer.

……

Now I am writing after my session.

Sometimes I feel as if I must be the biggest handful for my therapist.  I have no doubt that he has other clients who are living out very interesting lives…or at least have done so in the past.  I often have the feeling that my psyche is a bit like a big ball of yarn with these innumerable thematic threads that I am only gradually beginning to really pull apart from one another.  It has occasionally felt like a very laborious process but now I have finally established something called momentum.  It’s nice to have established such repertoire in any relationship in my life.

I sense something else is unfolding as well.  The deeply ingrained negative beliefs about myself that developed in my childhood and became thoroughly submerged below my conscious awareness now feel as if they are withering and evaporating away.  I have the feeling quite often of walking around out in the world and thinking to myself “What in the world have I been thinking?”  I suppose this isn’t unusual when you experience a profound awakening.

Tomorrow: The Anniversary of the Surprising Diagnosis