Monday, June 16, 2014

Dancing On the Ragged Edge of a Safety Net

Monday, June 16, 2014


Today featured a tale of two extremes.  The day began sunny and relatively calm.  The day is ending cloudy, windy and sopping wet.  We have had about 300% of our normal June precipitation here in the Twin Cities.  And the month is only half over.  The weather today has been a good metaphor for my mood.  Some moments I feel calm, collected...even serene.  Other moments I feel moody, overwhelmed and incredibly sad.  I suppose such is to be expected on the roller coaster of healing.

I still feel a lot of sadness in response to hearing about the death of a friend who passed away this past weekend.  He died of cancer.  I did not know him for a long time; I only lived in Washington, DC for approximately six months in 2012.  Mark helped me with transportation to medical appointments for what I recall was perhaps about a month of time.  How much he did was less consequential than that he did...something.  I remember his warm smile.  I miss that smile...even though I knew him for such a brief time.

I am still adjusting to working full time again.  And I am doing my best to maintain a positive attitude.  I am finding it challenging.  I am not doing work that I find personally rewarding.  I am doing work that allows me to take care of my basic needs...barely.  This has been an unfortunate truth of my life for far too long.  I feel weary and want to give up some days.  I have tried for years to establish a new career for myself.  And I am still trying.  It seems I still need a lot of help.  And that brings me to a primary theme of my recent thoughts:  How vulnerable am I now?

......

I wrote recently about the value of my health insurance.  I would not be where I am now without my health insurance.  I wish I was much further along.  I am going to apply for a job in California which I referenced recently in my writing.  And yet one of my biggest concerns is the fact that my employer would not provide any health insurance whatsoever.  I would have to buy insurance from the private market in California.  This concerns me considering it could be quite cost-prohibitive.  Given that I am still experiencing the consequences of my father's failure to be more proactive about his health and my own (during my childhood) I feel it would be unwise to unduly risk losing my very helpful Medical Assistance health insurance.  I want to continue to heal and move forward.  I think it might be best to maximize the value of my current health insurance rather than risk moving for a job that would provide me no health insurance whatsoever.

Despite my misgivings I am going to proceed forward and prepare an application for this position in Monterey.  Given how much of my time and energy I offered for free while living in the Monterey Bay area I feel I owe it to myself to do so.


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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!