Monday, June 16, 2014
Today featured a tale of two extremes. The day began sunny and relatively calm. The day is ending cloudy, windy and sopping wet. We have had about 300% of our normal June precipitation here in the Twin Cities. And the month is only half over. The weather today has been a good metaphor for my mood. Some moments I feel calm, collected...even serene. Other moments I feel moody, overwhelmed and incredibly sad. I suppose such is to be expected on the roller coaster of healing.
I still feel a lot of sadness in response to hearing about the death of a friend who passed away this past weekend. He died of cancer. I did not know him for a long time; I only lived in Washington, DC for approximately six months in 2012. Mark helped me with transportation to medical appointments for what I recall was perhaps about a month of time. How much he did was less consequential than that he did...something. I remember his warm smile. I miss that smile...even though I knew him for such a brief time.
I am still adjusting to working full time again. And I am doing my best to maintain a positive attitude. I am finding it challenging. I am not doing work that I find personally rewarding. I am doing work that allows me to take care of my basic needs...barely. This has been an unfortunate truth of my life for far too long. I feel weary and want to give up some days. I have tried for years to establish a new career for myself. And I am still trying. It seems I still need a lot of help. And that brings me to a primary theme of my recent thoughts: How vulnerable am I now?
......
I wrote recently about the value of my health insurance. I would not be where I am now without my health insurance. I wish I was much further along. I am going to apply for a job in California which I referenced recently in my writing. And yet one of my biggest concerns is the fact that my employer would not provide any health insurance whatsoever. I would have to buy insurance from the private market in California. This concerns me considering it could be quite cost-prohibitive. Given that I am still experiencing the consequences of my father's failure to be more proactive about his health and my own (during my childhood) I feel it would be unwise to unduly risk losing my very helpful Medical Assistance health insurance. I want to continue to heal and move forward. I think it might be best to maximize the value of my current health insurance rather than risk moving for a job that would provide me no health insurance whatsoever.
Despite my misgivings I am going to proceed forward and prepare an application for this position in Monterey. Given how much of my time and energy I offered for free while living in the Monterey Bay area I feel I owe it to myself to do so.
Today featured a tale of two extremes. The day began sunny and relatively calm. The day is ending cloudy, windy and sopping wet. We have had about 300% of our normal June precipitation here in the Twin Cities. And the month is only half over. The weather today has been a good metaphor for my mood. Some moments I feel calm, collected...even serene. Other moments I feel moody, overwhelmed and incredibly sad. I suppose such is to be expected on the roller coaster of healing.
I still feel a lot of sadness in response to hearing about the death of a friend who passed away this past weekend. He died of cancer. I did not know him for a long time; I only lived in Washington, DC for approximately six months in 2012. Mark helped me with transportation to medical appointments for what I recall was perhaps about a month of time. How much he did was less consequential than that he did...something. I remember his warm smile. I miss that smile...even though I knew him for such a brief time.
I am still adjusting to working full time again. And I am doing my best to maintain a positive attitude. I am finding it challenging. I am not doing work that I find personally rewarding. I am doing work that allows me to take care of my basic needs...barely. This has been an unfortunate truth of my life for far too long. I feel weary and want to give up some days. I have tried for years to establish a new career for myself. And I am still trying. It seems I still need a lot of help. And that brings me to a primary theme of my recent thoughts: How vulnerable am I now?
......
I wrote recently about the value of my health insurance. I would not be where I am now without my health insurance. I wish I was much further along. I am going to apply for a job in California which I referenced recently in my writing. And yet one of my biggest concerns is the fact that my employer would not provide any health insurance whatsoever. I would have to buy insurance from the private market in California. This concerns me considering it could be quite cost-prohibitive. Given that I am still experiencing the consequences of my father's failure to be more proactive about his health and my own (during my childhood) I feel it would be unwise to unduly risk losing my very helpful Medical Assistance health insurance. I want to continue to heal and move forward. I think it might be best to maximize the value of my current health insurance rather than risk moving for a job that would provide me no health insurance whatsoever.
Despite my misgivings I am going to proceed forward and prepare an application for this position in Monterey. Given how much of my time and energy I offered for free while living in the Monterey Bay area I feel I owe it to myself to do so.
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