Thursday, June 19, 2014
I have to believe that somehow one day I am going to manifest the deepest, brightest and most beautiful dreams I have carried within my heart. Until that supposedly magical threshold moment arrives I find myself slogging along in what I hope is the general direction of my best and highest future possible life. Some days I feel quite disoriented and a bit confused as to whether I am doing everything I can possibly do.
Today was an interesting day. By the stroke of the midnight hour we here in Minneapolis will have apparently reached about 500% of the normal amount of rainfall for the month of June...and it's only June 19th. As I made my way to downtown Minneapolis for my physical therapy appointment this morning I noticed how incredibly dark and foreboding the sky was. Later in the morning, after picking up new orthotics at my podiatrist's office, I hopped back on the bus to go to Abbott Northwestern Hospital for work. And then the sky opened up. It rained so heavily it would have been easy to believe I was somewhere in the United States South. It was a veritable deluge.
After leaving work I went to get a second opinion on my mental health. It's a fitting time for me to do so considering I started working with my current therapist exactly a year ago as of yesterday. I met with Dr. Gale Valtinson over near Lake Calhoun. I left my hour long appointment with a more refined perspective on my own health. What I am hoping to obtain in a second meeting with her next week is some clarity. I am trying to develop a better understanding by getting some answers to my biggest questions. What will the arc of my recovery process look like in the short and longer term future? What is realistic? What do I need to concentrate on now?
I was introduced to an interesting possibility. It might be true that I developed not just PTSD but 'complex PTSD'. What is the difference you ask? I would say it is one of degree. According to information available on the National Center for PTSD Dr. Judith Herman believes that a new diagnosis, Complex PTSD, may be appropriate to describe the symptoms of long-term trauma. More information on Complex PTSD can be found here. The cluster of symptoms referred to under the term of PTSD may also be known under another term, namely Disorders of Extreme Stress Not Otherwise Specified.
Though semantics are important (as I have acknowledged early on in the writing of my blog in which I referenced how my own level of responsiveness was a function of the terminology used to describe my mental health concerns) I do not wish to overly fixate on the distinctions between PTSD and complex PTSD. I expect I will do more research on the distinctions in the near future. Regardless of how you describe my health status the core issue that affected my health and development is trauma. The severity of the trauma is another different (yet interrelated) question.
What I do know now is that I am still in the midst of my grief. But at least I am deeply aware of my grief. I am no longer living in a way in which I am still primarily unconscious of my grief. I have dredged up my personal Titanic and now have before me the not insignificant task of sifting through its contents. It's a tender moment of time in my development. And I thus want to be very mindful.
While speaking with Dr. Valtinson I repeatedly emphasized my experience of awakening to the immense beauty of the world. It is something I live with each and every day. I am beginning to adjust to my new and much healthier way of perceiving the world. But it takes time. Healing takes time.
When the Summer Solstice arrives this weekend I intend to spend some time celebrating how far I have journeyed in the last twelve months. I feel nothing like I did last year at this time. The world is such an amazing and beautiful place. When I feel low and sad I find it helps me immensely to simply look at all the beauty of the lush green world around me. The immense greenery is one advantage of living through an incredibly wet June.
I have to believe that somehow one day I am going to manifest the deepest, brightest and most beautiful dreams I have carried within my heart. Until that supposedly magical threshold moment arrives I find myself slogging along in what I hope is the general direction of my best and highest future possible life. Some days I feel quite disoriented and a bit confused as to whether I am doing everything I can possibly do.
Today was an interesting day. By the stroke of the midnight hour we here in Minneapolis will have apparently reached about 500% of the normal amount of rainfall for the month of June...and it's only June 19th. As I made my way to downtown Minneapolis for my physical therapy appointment this morning I noticed how incredibly dark and foreboding the sky was. Later in the morning, after picking up new orthotics at my podiatrist's office, I hopped back on the bus to go to Abbott Northwestern Hospital for work. And then the sky opened up. It rained so heavily it would have been easy to believe I was somewhere in the United States South. It was a veritable deluge.
After leaving work I went to get a second opinion on my mental health. It's a fitting time for me to do so considering I started working with my current therapist exactly a year ago as of yesterday. I met with Dr. Gale Valtinson over near Lake Calhoun. I left my hour long appointment with a more refined perspective on my own health. What I am hoping to obtain in a second meeting with her next week is some clarity. I am trying to develop a better understanding by getting some answers to my biggest questions. What will the arc of my recovery process look like in the short and longer term future? What is realistic? What do I need to concentrate on now?
I was introduced to an interesting possibility. It might be true that I developed not just PTSD but 'complex PTSD'. What is the difference you ask? I would say it is one of degree. According to information available on the National Center for PTSD Dr. Judith Herman believes that a new diagnosis, Complex PTSD, may be appropriate to describe the symptoms of long-term trauma. More information on Complex PTSD can be found here. The cluster of symptoms referred to under the term of PTSD may also be known under another term, namely Disorders of Extreme Stress Not Otherwise Specified.
Though semantics are important (as I have acknowledged early on in the writing of my blog in which I referenced how my own level of responsiveness was a function of the terminology used to describe my mental health concerns) I do not wish to overly fixate on the distinctions between PTSD and complex PTSD. I expect I will do more research on the distinctions in the near future. Regardless of how you describe my health status the core issue that affected my health and development is trauma. The severity of the trauma is another different (yet interrelated) question.
What I do know now is that I am still in the midst of my grief. But at least I am deeply aware of my grief. I am no longer living in a way in which I am still primarily unconscious of my grief. I have dredged up my personal Titanic and now have before me the not insignificant task of sifting through its contents. It's a tender moment of time in my development. And I thus want to be very mindful.
While speaking with Dr. Valtinson I repeatedly emphasized my experience of awakening to the immense beauty of the world. It is something I live with each and every day. I am beginning to adjust to my new and much healthier way of perceiving the world. But it takes time. Healing takes time.
When the Summer Solstice arrives this weekend I intend to spend some time celebrating how far I have journeyed in the last twelve months. I feel nothing like I did last year at this time. The world is such an amazing and beautiful place. When I feel low and sad I find it helps me immensely to simply look at all the beauty of the lush green world around me. The immense greenery is one advantage of living through an incredibly wet June.
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!