Above and Beyond

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

My primary goal for this month is to have a much better June than I did last year.  That shouldn’t be too difficult considering the state of my life last June: I quit a job (in which my employer bounced a paycheck and generally showed very little ability to treat his small number of employees well), was sick for much of the month with a lung issue, experienced harassment by members of an organization I had previously been enthusiastic to join and was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Yeah, it was an all too memorable month.

This time around my focus is to work full time (and do my best to not ruminate on how my life still doesn’t look very much like I would like it to), continue my gym regimen, learn about the certificate program at the University of Minnesota Center for Spirituality and Healing and do as many fun activities as I can reasonably fit into my schedule.  And I also want to find a new living environment appropriate to my needs.  I would say I am being fairly ambitious.  But I believe these goals are all within my relatively easy reach.

I slept very well last night.  I probably should have gone to bed earlier.  I suppose it’s another way I am honoring my inner child (a bit too much).  When I awoke this morning I felt as if I had slept the Sleep of the Dead.  By that I mean that when I woke up I felt this luxurious combination of feeling deeply rested, a little bit of fatigue and a sense of wonder at how powerful EMDR therapy has been for my own journey of healing.  As I looked in the mirror this morning I had the impression I looked a bit younger than I did yesterday.  This was gratifying for me considering that I am all too age conscious lately.  Going through this process of recovery at the age of forty is not a consistently pleasurable experience.  But maybe purging my own darkness will make the world a better place by inspiring others to heal themselves as well.

I am on my way to a follow-up visit with my podiatrist this morning.  I have been experiencing some pain with my feet lately.  It has been yet another unfortunate source of anxiety for me.  I hope (yet again) that nothing is seriously amiss.  I suspect I am fine.

With all the trauma I have ‘unpacked’ in these last eleven months it seems to me the process of my recovery now has a momentum of its own.  This is both wonderful and also a bit anxiety provoking for me at times.  I have my moments when I wonder if I will recall the feelings I had at the time of something upsetting from decades ago at a most inconvenient time in the present.  Thankfully I feel that I am finally truly and completely past the crying episodes of last summer when the trauma of my early life history seemed to return to my conscious awareness all at once.