Scars Show Us Where We Have Been. They Don't Dictate Where We May Go

Sunday, June 29, 2014

The title for my blog entry today seems a very fitting one since it is Gay Pride weekend here in Minneapolis.  And somehow I have managed to find a clear answer to a question which was asked of me last November when I ran as a contestant in the Mister Minneapolis Eagle competition.  I recall begin asked this question: 'What do you think is the biggest challenge facing our community?'  I recall not having a good sense of it then.  I'm still developing a more educated opinion on this subject now.  But I would be willing to wager a more informed educated guess.  I believe a big problem the leather community faces is not being listened to by the broader culture (in a spirit of openness and inclusivity).  And in that regard I believe this issue is reflected in American culture at large.  We are not much of a culture that engages in active listening.

As a gay man who came of age in the 1980s and 1990s I am all too aware of the ignorance and religion inspired hatred that still fills many people's minds.  I was largely spared the suffering that consumed the lives of many gay men who were born some ten to twenty years before me.  Many of these men experienced horrific devastation as a result of the AIDS epidemic.  The suffering of the AIDS epidemic was compounded further when some within our society demonized gay people and called AIDS 'God's punishment' for 'choosing' a 'lifestyle' contrary to God.  I fundamentally believe people should have the right to form their own opinions.  And yet I shudder a bit when I think of how deeply pathological religious convictions can distort the minds and hearts of people.  It is a deeply sad experience to witness families shattered due to blind adherence to vastly different ideologies.  I have experienced this to a degree myself.  Put differently, free speech doesn't necessarily guarantee informed speech.

In the last dozen years (perhaps September 11, 2001 is the proper marker in the timeline of the United States) I have sensed a trend in our nation.  It seems we are less able than ever to engage in dialogue with one another that does not ultimately devolve into name-calling, character assassination and the like.  This concerns me.  I see vastly different visions of the future of our nation vying for prominence.  I am not sure how these very different points of view can effectively be reconciled.  A new class of Untermensch people seems to be growing in America.  This Untermensch class, in my opinion, would include the working poor, the formerly middle class, the long-term unemployed, the deeply ill and students burdened by immense student loan debt.  I unfortunately can easily fit in this category.  I wonder where we as a nation are going.  I try to be optimistic about the future of the United States.

My struggle is sometimes compounded by the fact that I can still find myself somewhat easily slip into a very cynical perspective.  And this cynicism is deeply connected to my early history of trauma.  When people and institutions repeatedly fail to meet your most basic needs it can be very difficult to not become a cynical, bitter person.

In the last few months I took up watching this show on ION television.  The show is called 'Criminal Minds'.  It's a well done show.  Just the other night the end of an episode featured one of the FBI agents proclaiming something similar to the following: 'scars show us where we have been but they do not dictate where we may go'.  I want to believe this to be true.  And I know it is in fact true.  People can and do change all the time.  Even entire societies possess a dynamism that can respond to external shocks in a healthy way.  We humans can evolve and adapt.

Gay Pride this year has caused me to reflect on my history in a way I did not anticipate I would last year.  Last year I felt positively shell-shocked at this time.  I had just been diagnosed with PTSD...and was beginning what has proven to be an eventful journey thus far.  As I have become an archeologist of my psyche in the last year I have been able to especially focus on those issues that most troubled me. Most recently I have been focusing on the year 1982.  Those who have read through my blog will know why this year is of special importance.

I have thought of 1982 in reference to the AIDS epidemic.  My understanding is that few people understood how bad AIDS would become in 1982.  The crisis was spreading at that time...but the body count of those who ultimately died (or whose lives were forever changed) was still quite low.  I have thought about how I have recently been able to begin to find true, deep release from the trauma of my early life history and how that trauma profoundly impacted my own development at a point in time that coincides with the beginning of the AIDS epidemic.  PTSD was not well understood in 1982 either.  I have been fortunate to find healing.  Many men impacted by AIDS did not find the help they needed.  The field of medicine could not and did not respond quickly enough to their immense need.

I am encouraged by my observation that the stigma of being HIV positive is also generally on the wane.    Being HIV positive ceased to be a de facto death sentence many years ago.  Stigma still remains though.  And some other developed countries show some concerning policy choices.  Russia has been prominent in this regard most recently.

I find myself still deeply evolving at this time.  My grief is not gone.  I still find myself marveling at the immense beauty of the lush greenery of summer.  

I am gradually becoming a very different man.  I am very excited about what may come to be.