Using Distraction As A Means Of Healing

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Today was a much better day than it could have been.  But this is true of many days.  One piece of wisdom I received from my father I actually do agree with is “Life is what you make it.”  Today I was determined to distract myself as much as possible so I wouldn’t think (too much) about the fact that my father nearly died from an attempt on his life back in 1982.  I had erroneously remembered that the final attempt on his life was made on June 5^th.  It wasn’t.  It was made on June 3, 1982.

I have come to realize that it is time for me to move onward with my own life.  I declare that I have suffered over my early life history long enough.  That doesn’t mean that I will wake up tomorrow and feel instantly ‘healed’ and as crisp and brilliant as fresh laundry but I can choose to orient my life in a new and better direction.

I woke up this morning at the home of a friend.  This choice was deliberate as I did not want to wake up alone and begin ruminating excessively about all the disappointments and terror of the past.  I went out to lunch with my friend Ivan who generously bought my own lunch.  In the afternoon I spoke with someone at the University of Minnesota about a certificate program I am interested in.  After work ended I went to get my annual physical with my primary care doctor.  More on that shortly.

I had ice cream with another friend after my annual physical.  And while at the ice cream shoppe (named Sebastian Joe’s) something interesting happened that I took as a cue it is indeed time to move onwards.  It happened to be the birthday of one of the workers who was there when I arrived.  He was born on June 5, 1994.  I made a point to wish him a ‘Happy Birthday’ even though he didn’t actually serve me.  I thought it would be a nice gesture as well as a nice act acknowledging the beauty of this day.  In finding the beauty of the moment I would focus on that rather than the horror that had been on my mind on Tuesday, June 3rd.  By the time I was ready to wish him a pleasant birthday he had already left work.  So I told one of his co-workers to wish him well for me.

Later on I went to the YMCA and went swimming.  The gym was virtually empty.  It was nice to have much of the pool to myself.

Finally I walked to do some grocery shopping.  And on my way there I noticed a beautiful sunset.  I found it a bit amusing that the sunset was so beautiful as I had spoken with my friend Thomas earlier today about watching the sunset tonight.  I had given up planning to pay the sky any attention.  But the sky caught my eye nonetheless.  It was one of the more beautiful sunsets I have seen recently.  And in seeing the beautiful sunset I found myself firmly committing to my choice to look for the good and beautiful in life.  I can’t keep focusing on what is not pleasing.  How will doing so change anything?

I need only think on other imagery from my day to appreciate how much I am blessed.  During my lunch break I saw a woman out walking who had only one leg.  While showering at the YMCA there was a man lacking a left forearm.  I may have my issues but I still have much to be grateful for.

……

My annual physical went well.  My primary care doctor found no major issues.  I had blood drawn to check my cholesterol level.  I am going to titrate down a little on the Zoloft.  It seems to have precipitated quite a bit of weight gain.  But overall it’s wonderful to see how much progress I have made since last June.

……

I decided to let go of constantly trying to get my paternal family of origin to hear my concerns fully.  They have their reasons for living their lives as they do.  And I have my reasons for choosing to live as I am living.  Nonetheless I do wonder how it can be possible to love people who I feel don’t really see me for the man I am.  Can you love someone who doesn’t fully honor your needs?  Isn’t that some sort of paradox? I don’t know.

……

I have never felt as alive as I do now.  It still feels a bit weird.  The world still strikes me as so amazingly vivid.  All the recent rains have made the world a place full of lush green.  I still find myself marveling at the interplay of light and shadow.  I still notice that I am noticing how the breeze feels on my face.  I notice that I marvel at the colors of a simple sunset.  Life is good…if only I will pay attention to it.

……

I may never see my paternal family of origin again.  Somehow I will find a way to reconcile myself to this possibility.  It may not happen that way.  I am finally becoming more able to live radically in the present.  And as I do so I realize how much I have missed out on the beauty of the world earlier in my life.  But I wasn’t fully present then.

Healing is an amazing journey.