Summer Solstice 2014

Saturday, June 21, 2014

As I walked through downtown on my way to the bus this evening I could hear what I assumed was a street musician playing ‘Amazing Grace’.  And immediately that one lyric from the song went though my mind: ‘…was blind but now I see…’

Oh how I see now.  I see so well it still amazes me.  When I embarked on therapy last summer I was not planning on having an ‘eye opening’ experience that would forever alter my future perception of the world.  But I think that medicine and healing is not only a science but also still an art…even in the twenty-first century. And art inevitably has an element of mystery to it.  Despite how much we may try art is not something that can be neatly defined.  It defies neat, simplistic categorization.   We cannot easily ‘put art into a box.’  And thus art is a bit like healing in that regard.

The most intense light of the calendar year graced the landscape today.  There were barely any clouds in the sky.  I almost had to squint on more than one occasion while outdoors.  That’s certainly not surprising.  But what is surprising is how I still marvel at the three dimensional nature of the planet.  Everything has depth.  The height and width of things was always easy for me to perceive….but the depth not so much.

Today I followed up with the psychologist I saw this past Thursday.  After doing an introductory appointment I want to be able to pose some questions when I see her today.  The main question that is on my mind is this one: "What is the potential arc of my future life?"  Stated another way: "What is the potential contained within me that I could still realize in what remains of my life?"

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Welcome to Brazil, Minnesota!  The torrential rains of this past week combined with the excessive rains from earlier in the month have led the world to begin resembling the rainforests of other parts of the planet.  It is indeed a bit surreal!  And because I am still adjusting to the vividness of the world outside my own skull I must say I am fascinated by how many shades of green I see outdoors.  I cannot recall seeing such intensely deep shades of green recently...if ever.

At the height of the sun's power here in the Northern Hemisphere it feels a bit natural to be fairly un-attentive to my grief.  Grief is something akin to the darkness and cold we associate with winter.  Laying out under the power of the sun on the Summer Solstice is a good way to burn out some of the grief inside me.

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I almost find it a bit amusing (as well as a bit sad) when I read what I wrote a year ago regarding my confusion as to why I felt some free floating rage.  Um, hello, it had to do with your most basic needs for safety and attention not being sufficiently met when you were a child!  It's no wonder I felt such volatile upset.



Written one year ago today...

Friday, June 21, 2013

I am feeling more and more optimistic about my future as I continue to take many steps to improve my health.  The new therapist I intend to work with wishes to administer a PTSD screening when I see him next.  I have certainly familiarized myself with this disorder from past reading.  I also had hoped that past therapy had successfully treated the issues that I had.  But it is apparent that it would benefit me to work with a counselor at this time. 

I do not understand why I seem to feel this free floating rage.  That mystifies me a bit.

I have felt myself to be in a persistent state of culture shock since my return to the United States some three weeks ago.  Having left the fishbowl of this country it is strange to be back inside of it.  I have a new appreciation for the shadow side of America, namely how paranoid, obsessive, traumatized, medicated and disillusioned is the collective American psyche.  And how could people not be when you see what is available for consumption in the media and in the grocery store?  It’s sad and overwhelming to contemplate.