Wednesday, June 18, 2014
One year ago today I met my now current therapist for an intake appointment. I was quite surprised by what was to follow seven days later when I met with him a second time. Today I was trying to remind myself of how much progress I have made in the last twelve months. I didn't exactly have a bad day today. I just had a day in which I felt pretty much...invisible. This was how I felt for so much of that time back in the summer of 1982. And so in some respects I suppose it is only natural to wonder just how much I have managed to truly change about my life despite all my efforts.
I believe that spending a lot of time trying to consciously remember the minutae of my life during that summer in which I was eight years old isn't probably the best use of my time. But it still haunts me a bit that I cannot more easily remember that time in my life. I would like to recall joyful moments. I cannot. Were there any joyful moments during that summer? Again, I cannot remember. But I believe I would be able to easily recall them if there had been. It's no wonder I still feel sad today. There was so much sadness in my childhood.
Yesterday evening while in session with my therapist I spoke about how I have this fear that I could potentially relapse into a way of being in which I compartmentalize my feelings as a means of coping with stress. I have made a commitment to myself not to do that. But a commitment such as this is only as strong as the daily efforts I will make to cultivate a practice of mindfulness.
In essence I do not ever want to return to a life in which I am living in a condition that could be described as 'Auto Pilot'. I want to be conscious. I want to be alive. I want to enjoy my work. I want to be out in the living world rather than sitting at a computer 'processing' data and looking at files.
......
I believe taking a job in California (if it were to be offered) could prove to be a very large risk to my current and short-term health. Even if the job I decided I would indeed apply for is a great job there is still the reality that I would need to purchase my own health insurance on the private market. It hasn't even been six months since my therapist deemed me to be no longer clinically diagnosable for PTSD. And thus I have this question in the back of my mind each and every day lately: 'Do you really feel such a job could be worth taking such an immense risk?' I will be better able to answer that question once I apply for the job and await a reply and potential offer of an interview.
What I struggle with right now as well is my feeling that I have done little in the last three years that holds much value to me and me alone. When I was attending school in California and volunteering my time with NOAA and other organizations in the Monterey Bay area I held this vision in my mind that all my generosity and commitment would pay off in the long term. Three years have passed and it doesn't seem that there was much return on my investment. I gave a lot of my time for free...and in the process I created an imbalance in which I made myself highly vulnerable to misfortune. I am not willing to allow that to happen again.
And yet I cannot curl up inside an armored coat and hide away so as not to risk being hurt again. I will die that way as well.
As we near the Summer Solstice I find myself marveling at how much my life has changed in the last year. And I also marvel at how much more work appears to remain for me to do.
One year ago today I met my now current therapist for an intake appointment. I was quite surprised by what was to follow seven days later when I met with him a second time. Today I was trying to remind myself of how much progress I have made in the last twelve months. I didn't exactly have a bad day today. I just had a day in which I felt pretty much...invisible. This was how I felt for so much of that time back in the summer of 1982. And so in some respects I suppose it is only natural to wonder just how much I have managed to truly change about my life despite all my efforts.
I believe that spending a lot of time trying to consciously remember the minutae of my life during that summer in which I was eight years old isn't probably the best use of my time. But it still haunts me a bit that I cannot more easily remember that time in my life. I would like to recall joyful moments. I cannot. Were there any joyful moments during that summer? Again, I cannot remember. But I believe I would be able to easily recall them if there had been. It's no wonder I still feel sad today. There was so much sadness in my childhood.
Yesterday evening while in session with my therapist I spoke about how I have this fear that I could potentially relapse into a way of being in which I compartmentalize my feelings as a means of coping with stress. I have made a commitment to myself not to do that. But a commitment such as this is only as strong as the daily efforts I will make to cultivate a practice of mindfulness.
In essence I do not ever want to return to a life in which I am living in a condition that could be described as 'Auto Pilot'. I want to be conscious. I want to be alive. I want to enjoy my work. I want to be out in the living world rather than sitting at a computer 'processing' data and looking at files.
......
I believe taking a job in California (if it were to be offered) could prove to be a very large risk to my current and short-term health. Even if the job I decided I would indeed apply for is a great job there is still the reality that I would need to purchase my own health insurance on the private market. It hasn't even been six months since my therapist deemed me to be no longer clinically diagnosable for PTSD. And thus I have this question in the back of my mind each and every day lately: 'Do you really feel such a job could be worth taking such an immense risk?' I will be better able to answer that question once I apply for the job and await a reply and potential offer of an interview.
What I struggle with right now as well is my feeling that I have done little in the last three years that holds much value to me and me alone. When I was attending school in California and volunteering my time with NOAA and other organizations in the Monterey Bay area I held this vision in my mind that all my generosity and commitment would pay off in the long term. Three years have passed and it doesn't seem that there was much return on my investment. I gave a lot of my time for free...and in the process I created an imbalance in which I made myself highly vulnerable to misfortune. I am not willing to allow that to happen again.
And yet I cannot curl up inside an armored coat and hide away so as not to risk being hurt again. I will die that way as well.
As we near the Summer Solstice I find myself marveling at how much my life has changed in the last year. And I also marvel at how much more work appears to remain for me to do.
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