Friday, June 27, 2014
A recent conversation with a local guy has inspired me to more firmly dedicate myself to maintaining a positive attitude...come Hell or Minnesota high water. As I have experienced both lately I think this will be an interesting challenge.
In the spirit of the challenge I am going to share a positive thought each day in my blog...and some days also on here. Here is today's thought:
"I can include diverse perspectives in my worldview that will enrich my own life and the lives of those around me."
Now for a jump back into the darker side...
My grief swells and contracts much like the lungs within our bodies. I know my long-term trend is towards improvement but the journey of recovery to true and abiding wholeness is never a straight line. There are peaks and valleys. Right now I am feeling myself in a valley. I suspect it's partly due to the fact that I just completed another week of full time work that felt fairly unsatisfying. Yes, there are moments of pleasure I can take in each day but yet again I find myself in a position that doesn't challenge me. This has been true for too long. I am doing everything in my power to change my circumstances. But as my yoga instructor Myra just said 'Change doesn't happen overnight'. It certainly does not.
It's a beautiful time to be in Minnesota. And I feel so immensely sad. Or is it grief? Some days they seem to mimic one another effortlessly. And I suppose the pain I feel is also deeply related to my confusion. I feel confused as to how I could keep telling myself for so long that my deepest, darkest feelings inside were not true...that it was not really that bad. And yet it was. My feelings of alienation, sadness and disgust were truly that bad. Once the veneer of anger disintegrated after I had been in therapy for several months I found myself digging into the next layer down. And that layer contained all these varied affects...sadness, grief, apathy and resentment.
This is the end of my third week of working full time. And the week prior to these three I effectively worked almost full time. So I have been working full time for a month now. I had not done that in about a year. As I have noted before it's simply going to take me more time to continue to heal. It doesn't happen overnight. But it is happening. The changes are unfolding and I feel better with each passing day. I only wish I had experienced this Grand Awakening earlier in my life. But that is the grief within me speaking.
.......
There is still within me a subtle voice of fear and mistrust that rises up in me. I notice it on occasion when I am having a particularly good day. Sometimes the fear appears in the form of a thought such as 'I wonder if there is a car out there with my name on it'. And I do not mean a car out there I am about to purchase. I mean a car being driven by a reckless driver that is going to somehow find its way into my own life and, in crossing my path, bring chaos, disruption and pain. In other words, I feel resentment and fear living in a society with so much reckless and unaccountable behavior. I have already had a car of mine totaled once in my life. Luckily my own body was totaled. But it could certainly happen again. Yes, I know this is quintessential gloomy thinking but such thoughts pass through my mind on occasion. Sometimes my life has felt like an immense farce. Just when everything seems to be finally improving it seems I almost expect something to go wrong.
The spike of stress I experienced earlier this week after hearing a coworker confide of her recent attempt to commit suicide reminded me, yet again, that life can be exceedingly tenuous. What is here today may be swept away by tomorrow morning. I want some real stability in my life. And it has eluded me for so long. My response to her disclosure has even left me wondering if there is perhaps more hidden in the darkest recesses of my psyche that still needs some healing and cleansing illumination. I couldn't help but wonder if my mother expressed more violent behavior of a suicidal or homicidal nature than I can consciously recall even now after a full year of weekly therapy.
In fact, as I write this, I recall this memory of the glass from the front door of our home sitting in the swimming pool equipment shed in our backyard. I have this dim memory of my mother throwing rocks at the front door of the house and thereby causing the glass to shatter. I cannot even recall how old I was. As I think back on that memory I feel some sadness and discomfort now. I suppose this means there is still an emotional charge connected to that memory. And I suppose that may indicate that some additional EMDR therapy could prove quite helpful.
At times my sadness feels very smothering. In those moments I remind myself to take a breath and realize I am no longer in that time in my life. I am here, thirty years later. That time is gone. I can heal the immense harm I experienced. It is possible...and I will do it.
A recent conversation with a local guy has inspired me to more firmly dedicate myself to maintaining a positive attitude...come Hell or Minnesota high water. As I have experienced both lately I think this will be an interesting challenge.
In the spirit of the challenge I am going to share a positive thought each day in my blog...and some days also on here. Here is today's thought:
"I can include diverse perspectives in my worldview that will enrich my own life and the lives of those around me."
Now for a jump back into the darker side...
My grief swells and contracts much like the lungs within our bodies. I know my long-term trend is towards improvement but the journey of recovery to true and abiding wholeness is never a straight line. There are peaks and valleys. Right now I am feeling myself in a valley. I suspect it's partly due to the fact that I just completed another week of full time work that felt fairly unsatisfying. Yes, there are moments of pleasure I can take in each day but yet again I find myself in a position that doesn't challenge me. This has been true for too long. I am doing everything in my power to change my circumstances. But as my yoga instructor Myra just said 'Change doesn't happen overnight'. It certainly does not.
It's a beautiful time to be in Minnesota. And I feel so immensely sad. Or is it grief? Some days they seem to mimic one another effortlessly. And I suppose the pain I feel is also deeply related to my confusion. I feel confused as to how I could keep telling myself for so long that my deepest, darkest feelings inside were not true...that it was not really that bad. And yet it was. My feelings of alienation, sadness and disgust were truly that bad. Once the veneer of anger disintegrated after I had been in therapy for several months I found myself digging into the next layer down. And that layer contained all these varied affects...sadness, grief, apathy and resentment.
This is the end of my third week of working full time. And the week prior to these three I effectively worked almost full time. So I have been working full time for a month now. I had not done that in about a year. As I have noted before it's simply going to take me more time to continue to heal. It doesn't happen overnight. But it is happening. The changes are unfolding and I feel better with each passing day. I only wish I had experienced this Grand Awakening earlier in my life. But that is the grief within me speaking.
.......
There is still within me a subtle voice of fear and mistrust that rises up in me. I notice it on occasion when I am having a particularly good day. Sometimes the fear appears in the form of a thought such as 'I wonder if there is a car out there with my name on it'. And I do not mean a car out there I am about to purchase. I mean a car being driven by a reckless driver that is going to somehow find its way into my own life and, in crossing my path, bring chaos, disruption and pain. In other words, I feel resentment and fear living in a society with so much reckless and unaccountable behavior. I have already had a car of mine totaled once in my life. Luckily my own body was totaled. But it could certainly happen again. Yes, I know this is quintessential gloomy thinking but such thoughts pass through my mind on occasion. Sometimes my life has felt like an immense farce. Just when everything seems to be finally improving it seems I almost expect something to go wrong.
The spike of stress I experienced earlier this week after hearing a coworker confide of her recent attempt to commit suicide reminded me, yet again, that life can be exceedingly tenuous. What is here today may be swept away by tomorrow morning. I want some real stability in my life. And it has eluded me for so long. My response to her disclosure has even left me wondering if there is perhaps more hidden in the darkest recesses of my psyche that still needs some healing and cleansing illumination. I couldn't help but wonder if my mother expressed more violent behavior of a suicidal or homicidal nature than I can consciously recall even now after a full year of weekly therapy.
In fact, as I write this, I recall this memory of the glass from the front door of our home sitting in the swimming pool equipment shed in our backyard. I have this dim memory of my mother throwing rocks at the front door of the house and thereby causing the glass to shatter. I cannot even recall how old I was. As I think back on that memory I feel some sadness and discomfort now. I suppose this means there is still an emotional charge connected to that memory. And I suppose that may indicate that some additional EMDR therapy could prove quite helpful.
At times my sadness feels very smothering. In those moments I remind myself to take a breath and realize I am no longer in that time in my life. I am here, thirty years later. That time is gone. I can heal the immense harm I experienced. It is possible...and I will do it.
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