Monday

Monday, July 14, 2014

I have my moments when I wonder when the unexpected intrusive and upsetting thoughts will stop suddenly appearing in my waking consciousness every so often.  Today was another day in which the past impinged upon the present.  While at work this morning I suddenly found memories from 1995 and 1996 drifting through my mind.  In particular I wondered if a certain relationship I had with an older man at that time was not what I thought it was at the time.  Though the relationship was consensual there was a large difference in age…and he was married.  Today, as the memories appeared in my conscious awareness, I wondered if that relationship caused me more harm than good.  I also found myself wondering if the man’s wife ever found out about the full nature of our relationship.  This entire relationship occurred before I came out as a gay man in 1997.

Moments like this morning’s sudden unintended trip down memory lane have a way of leaving me feeling very off center.  And yet it’s a testament to the immense work I have done in the last year that I did not overreact as the memories suddenly appeared.  I did not experience a suddenly racing pulse.  My breathing did not become shallow and rapid.  I experienced no telltale signs that you might associate with a panic attack.  But I did feel an immense amount of sadness.  But that is nothing new.  Deep sadness has been my companion for a while now.

Prior to the interlude of this Monday morning I had already scheduled an appointment with my primary care doctor.  My energy level has been low for about a week now.  Despite the uplifting sunbathing I was able to do yesterday I definitely felt as if I had a ‘case of the Mondays’ this morning.  The sadness is gradually morphing into something else but some days the pace of the transformation feels positively glacial. 

I know my deep sadness is due in part to the deepening realization that it isn’t realistic for me to hope to have any sort of relationship with my paternal family of origin.  By ‘paternal family of origin’ I mean my father and his siblings.  My four grandparents all died many years ago.  My paternal family’s capacity for denial is as dense as granite.  I have finally learned to stop beating my head against that which cannot be moved…or can only be moved with such extreme exertion that the energy required is not worth the results achieved.  As I have noted recently in my writing I believe the only way my paternal family of origin would ever take my sentiments regarding my father’s past (and much more recent) dysfunctional behavior seriously would be if I had committed suicide earlier in my life.  I can no longer afford to abdicate so much of my power to any one person.  It’s debilitating and self-defeating.  For my own sake I must move on.

And I am moving on.  But first must come the time of my dark grief.  First I must acknowledge the pain of the loss…the lost time, the lost energy, the lost possibilities.

I have to admit that I find myself wondering how my father’s family managed to survive all the challenges that have erupted throughout the centuries.  Given my family’s penchant for avoidance and denial how did our ancestors manage to survive the stormy periods of history that others were defeated by?  For example, if you are reading this passage your ancestors either survived the Black Death in Europe or were never exposed to the bubonic plague in the first place.  Those of us who live today do so in part due to the ingenuity of our ancestors.

I will begin working with a personal trainer this week.  I am looking forward to that.