An Interesting Phenomenon: Scrolling

Monday, July 7, 2014

I have been experiencing something the last many weeks (when exactly it began I cannot now easily recall) that seems to be a symptom of my recovery process.  It’s difficult at times to understand what is unfolding.  There are some days when I feel a bit anxious about what I experience because it seems so unusual.  Other days I feel more able to ride with the flow.

For lack of a term I am already familiar with I call what I am experiencing ‘scrolling’.  I notice these moments lately when in present time I think back on my earlier life experiences and call up the corresponding memories into my awareness.  Sometimes it is a single day I remember such as a weekend trip or a special event.  Other times I recall a whole period of time such as the summer months I worked for the National Weather Service while taking my summer break from my undergraduate studies.  I have found myself recalling moments in my life anywhere from 1983 all the way through to more recent years such as 2011.  And as I recall these different moments to mind I find a similar quality to the actual memories.  They have a dull, slightly blurred quality to them.  The ‘resolution’ of the visual imagery is not very good.

When I recall past moments of my life I also notice that my capacity to recall them now seems to be complimented by a greater strength of focus.  This stronger focus manifests like a bright light piercing a gloomy room.  So many of the memories I have lack vivid imagery.  And yet when I reflect on those times in my life now the ‘picture in my mind’ appears much brighter.  It’s as if a bright, cheery light is now making these memories more vivid in my mind even though my perception at the time I initially experienced these events was not the best.  Now that my perception is so clear the world around me often appears hyper-real….like something you would expect in a Disney movie.

This phenomenon of scrolling exemplifies one of the aspects of my journey to authentic and enduring wholeness that I find particularly challenging.  When I experience this phenomenon it leaves me pondering what are realistic expectations to hold about the process of my recovery.  It would be easier, I suppose, if there was more data out there on people whose life histories have mirrored my own.  But I seem to be somewhat unique in regards to the type of history I have.  Or maybe the truth of the matter is that I am not so very unique but that many people with an equivalent depth of trauma in their early life histories do not ultimately live out lives anywhere near as functional as my own...and so I do not see them out in society.  I think that is a valid theory to explain my experience.

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I am finally beginning to adjust to working full-time again.  It only took me about a month of time to adjust to this greater demand on my time.  I suppose that is a good sign.