And the Answer Is! More Physical Therapy

Thursday, January 23, 2014


When I first began doing physical therapy last summer I had no idea what a long haul I was in for.  I was angry much of the time because I felt my life had been totally derailed by my unexpected diagnosis of PTSD.  But then new challenges kept appearing on my plate.  Suddenly I found myself working with a litany of health care providers to get me back in shape.  I had a therapist, a physical therapist, an acupuncturist, a chiropractor and so on.  My daily planner began to look like that of an 85 year old.  It was a sobering and overwhelming time.

Today my podiatrist put in an order for still more physical therapy.  This time it is to target the calf muscles in my left leg.  I could choose to become angry about the need for more therapy and then wallow in self pity.  But I am not going to do that.  I am going to channel the energy of my sadness, pain and irritation into the necessary work of improving my health.  I have come this far and I will not back down now.

I do believe this previously unsuccessfully treated condition of PTSD has contributed to the difficulties I have had with my musculoskeletal system.  I simply could not completely relax for years at a time.  I was too anxious.  My body was caught in a persistent low grade state of activation and tension.  My fight or flight response was never completely not on alert.  Because I could not relax my body had to start compensating by developing all these slightly distorted ways of moving.  And thus I found myself inside the body I have all these years later a bit baffled as to how this all happened.  How did I get here?  But more importantly...how do I get back to the healthy person I know I can be?

One clear choice I made months ago was to excise all the dross out of my life.  If you want to be truly healthy (and I mean glowing such that people notice it) you simply have to do a radical inventory of your life and approach your life with incredible honesty.  You have to be willing to review what is and is not working and toss out the dreck that simply doesn't work.  Is it painful?  I would say 99.99% of the time there will be pain involved in such a clearing process.  Will it prove worth it?  I believe the answer is ABSOLUTELY.

Going back into physical therapy yet again has a way of reactivating my grief centered in my experience of feeling I have lost so much time.  My journey of healing has been so lengthy (at least in my mind) that I occasionally have had those nagging, unpleasant thoughts in which I wonder when it will all be over.  To sound like a child: 'Am I there yet?'  And the answer is that I am not.  But I am much, much closer than I have ever been.  And it is also true that I am really the healthiest I have ever been in my life thus far.  It's still a weird feeling.  And who knows what that feeling will end!

I've put on more than fifteen pounds since I began being much more physically active last summer.  I am now constantly weighing in close to the most I have ever weighed.  I am literally growing!  I should take some Before and After pictures.

Remaining Steadfast in the Midst of Dormancy

Wednesday, January 22, 2014


Even now, seven months into my recovery process, there are days when I really would prefer to stay at home and relax in bed.  I certainly am not depressed now (that ended last August) but that doesn't mean remaining committed to the new direction I am charting is always easy.  We all have good days and difficult days.  And sometimes even the good days can feel difficult because it might seem like the world around us is frozen and unmoved by all the changes we make in our own lives.  Today seems to be such a day for me.  Everything seems to be moving forward and I would say that this is objectively true and not just an appearance.  And yet there is my pain within me coaxing me to befriend it so I may be freed from its grasp.

I have a mixed relationship with the dormancy of the world beyond my windows.  Some days I feel the silence and deep cold of winter is an excellent invitation to do the deep work of grief that I feel I must finally attend to in a healthy way.  On other days I look outside and wish I would see the warmth and green of a summer day beckoning me to go outside.  Those days will come one day again.  I just wish I wasn't already pining for them now.  Our season of winter is not very old quite yet but I already feel a bit weary of the continual chill.

Today has not been a "bad" day based on all appearances I have seen thus far.  I woke up easily.  I ate breakfast.  I took my supplements and medication.  I left home on time to catch the bus.  I had a productive meeting with my career coach.  I set some goals to accomplish before I meet with her next Wednesday.  I will be meeting my friend Keith for lunch in a short while.  And then I will go to the YMCA and once again exercise.

Laying down new healthy habits and new healthy neural pathways in the brain is not something you do overnight.  It's not even something you do in the course of several months and necessarily expect amazing changes to greet your vision.  But change does happen.  Just like the thaw of a Minnesota winter that occasionally feels all too slow change will come.  I just have to be patient.  More patience is needed!  And the reward of patience is...patience!

I know my grief is with me today.  I feel its weight.  I know I have stepped through a door of no return...another departure into a future life as I leave the past behind.  In recently disclosing (this past Monday) to some of my relatives that I sought out legal recourse against my father last summer I have (I believe) made it radiantly clear just how angry, disenchanted and demoralized I am with my father's dysfunctional behavior.  I have waffled in my stance with my father many a time in the past.  I will do so no more.  Setting a firm boundary with him is a very painful action for me to take.  But it is necessary for my own recovery and future health that I excise from my life sources of anxiety that I cannot forcibly change.  I cannot make my father magically transform into another man.  I have to let go...regardless of how painful it may be.  And yet the pain is very real and very deep.

I do not feel like I am going through the motions today.  And yet I still feel heavy.  I feel happy to be alive and I look forward to the remainder of what I have planned for today.  When the mere passage of each moment feels arduous I can do something that I have found so helpful throughout difficult times in my life.  I can breathe deeply.  I can remember all the good in my life.  I can recall all those amazing moments I have enjoyed.  I can focus on my amazing resiliency.  I can dream of a better tomorrow...and by dreaming it will eventually come to be.

I took some action yesterday in my continuing job search.  I felt some sense of accomplishment when the day had ended.  I made effort to move forward.  The magic of the Universe is still a vital ingredient though.  Grace in an essential element in all of our lives.  May grace continue to be with me as I transform into the man that has always been inside me.

The Power of a Vortex

Tuesday, January 21, 2014


It's below 0F again.  This is not surprising...it is late January and I live in Minnesota.  I can't easily express how much I am looking forward to spring.  It's only about sixty days until the vernal equinox!

The word vortex became a popular word in the media lexicon earlier this month when the polar vortex dropped southward and brought severe cold to much of the United States.  Naturally idiots such as Rush Limbaugh decried the vortex as some sort of liberal conspiracy.  And then of course others were crowing about how winter cold somehow disproves that the planet's climate system is destabilizing due to our continued use of fossil fuels.  Global climate change doesn't imply the end of seasons.  What we are witnessing throughout the world does seem to indicate that the length and timing of seasons will change due to our bad choice of energy policy.  Eventually we as a species might collectively one day wake up to what we are doing...but until that time comes it seems it will be business as usual.  Given my own trauma history and what I know of human history it seems to be a deeply ingrained behavioral flaw that people continue to make poor choices and behave badly until the consequences become so completely intolerable and undeniable that they are forced to choose a different path.

Perhaps I sound judgmental and I concede I probably am a bit judgmental.  I suppose I consider it a 'better' 'sin' than the ones I see so often in others' behavior.  I would prefer to be a bit judgmental as compared to being arrogant, negligent or so ensconced in denial that I could not see the issues I am plagued by.  I've met all too many people who fall into the category of denial.  It's certainly convenient to live in it for a time but wow does it ever hurt when you finally emerge from it.

It has not even been a day since I wrote to some of my father's relatives and disclosed my discomfort regarding unresolved issues in the family.  It will be the last time I do so; I am not pounding my head against the marble-strength walls of denial I believe they live in any more.  It's exhausting and pointless.  It's time for me to grieve and move on with my life.  I will no longer live in my own vortex of confusion.  The confusion I have lived in regarding my own father's behavior simply causes me too much anxiety.  I would rather have the pain of silence that results from making the decision to walk away as compared to the apparently unlimited quantity of drama that could be my reality if I chose to keep interacting with my family in a way that never leaves me feeling good.  I need to choose me.

...

Last night I had the pleasure of attending a lecture in honor of the memory of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  I learned more about a colleague of his named Bayard Rustin.  Having learned something of Rustin's history I have to say he is a memorable individual.  He was open about his homosexuality at a time when few dared to be so open about an aspect of themselves which was, at the time, still so poorly understood by medicine and religion.  He had the type of courage usually attributed to the strongest of warriors.  He was a warrior for human dignity.  One of my favorite quotes attributed to him was the following:

“When an individual is protesting society's refusal to acknowledge his dignity as a human being, his very act of protest confers dignity on him.”

This is such a fascinating way to address the issue of stigma and marginalization that so many people have faced in the history of the United States of America.  This has been the experience of so many groups including African Americans, Native Americans, the Japanese during World War II, gay people, transgender people and so on.

I also like this quote because I can turn it around a bit and rephrase it:

"When an individual is protesting his family's refusal to acknowledge his concerns, his very act of protest confers dignity on him."

I feel that, in a sense, that is what I am doing regarding my father and my paternal family.  I am 'protesting' the complete avoidance of long existing issues that have impacted me for much of my life.  I am protesting what I see as a willing negligence to ever attend to issues in a healthy way.  I am protesting my sense of feeling completely unseen and unheard.  In that regard my experience in my family has a common theme with the protests of many marginalized groups of people: the experience of feeling invisible and being treated as a non-entity.

This feeling of being invisible was a primary ingredient that led to the ponderous grief I began carrying around with me for so long.  When living true to who I fundamentally am does not result in my needs getting met it's obvious to me that I need to move on and find support somewhere else.  This doesn't mean the process of letting go is easy but it does mean the process is a necessary one...however painful it may be.

The issue of dignity is a seminal one right now in America as well.  It seems dignity, compassion and kindness long went by the wayside in this nation.  Unless I understand correctly we now live in a time when there has never been such a polarization between the wealthy and the poor, between the haves and have-nots as there is now.  To look back through deeper history there is often a consistent thread of inequality serving as a key ingredient in later social unrest and state turmoil.  When the marginalized become many and the well-off become quite few their co-existence side by side becomes a moral dilemma...a moral crisis.  It thus seems we are facing a moral crisis in this nation.  This is my belief.

So what does this have to do with my own particular trauma and the theme of trauma in general?  I will respond in this way.  How can one heal and be happy when so many of his fellow citizens are suffering and destitute?  How can I complete my own healing process and feel good about my own life if all the while I am seeing what appears to be a growing mass of suffering all around me?  With more and more people pushed to the margins in this society what must happen for the process to reverse itself?  Do we need trauma on a state scale as made manifest in social unrest and protest?

I find myself feeling increasingly uneasy about the lack of real attention being paid to our very real problems in this nation.

...

So being a meteorology geek (I obtained my undergraduate degree in meteorology) I decided to look at the latest weather discussions for some ray of hope that the dreaded polar vortex will grant us a reprieve some time soon.  No such luck apparently.  It appears the pattern we have been locked in since early December may persist into the middle of February.  Yikes.  Subzero cold has been observed here in Minneapolis in March so bracing cold is certainly not atypical even after the official start of Spring as marked by the vernal equinox.  I'll have to make sure I keep myself busy so I don't too distracted waiting for spring to begin.

Winter, Part...Um, Oh Who Knows. It's Still Cold.

Monday, January 20, 2014


Last week was the first time I awoke and found myself feeling a little weary of winter.  I suppose it's a good thing my weariness didn't arise until January.  Had I felt this way in December I would have been concerned about how I would make it through the winter without excessive whining and moaning!  Ha!  Thankfully I am keeping myself busy enough such that I don't pay too much attention to the fact that it is still January.

I am giving myself something of a break from excessive time on my feet until I meet with a podiatrist later this week.  I've been working diligently on my physical fitness goals; it's not necessary for me to live at the gym every day.  So I am instead refocusing my attention on matters related to my paternal family.  After meeting with my therapist earlier today I decided to send a communication to some of my relatives regarding our relationship.  I don't have any intention of actually moving further forward on this issue in the near future as other matters are consuming my attention.  I nonetheless feel grief that I feel compelled to take the action that I did.

I am excited to say that next week my therapist and I are going to do a reassessment to see how I score when screened for PTSD.  One goal I set (among many) for this year is to be un-diagnosable by the end of 2014.  I am well on my way.  When I asked my therapist about his impression of the speed of my recovery he replied that he had never seen someone with a past trauma history as extensive as my own heal so quickly.  You can achieve a lot through sheer determination.

I also spoke today of how it still doesn't feel normal to feel normal.  By that I mean it still feels quite strange to not be affected by an anxiety disorder.  I do not know what a typical arc of healing (in length of time) is for a person whose anxiety disorder began early in childhood.  So many factors can affect both the development of a pathological condition as well as the healing thereof.  Looking back it seems that my shamanic journey in late November acted as the catalyst for the acceleration of my healing process.

Tonight I am going to attend a lecture (in honor of the memory of Martin Luther King, Jr.) at All God's Children Metropolitan Community Church.  I look forward to being around familiar faces and sharing time with people who have similar values.

Tomorrow morning I will be going to see my physical therapist for a follow up on my shoulder.  The new order for additional physical therapy visits suggested up to four appointments.  I hope to only need two at most.  I did the prescribed exercises today at the YMCA; my left shoulder is now beginning to feel relatively normal.  My range of motion and strength have both improved.

This Ponderous, Leaden Grief

Sunday, January 19, 2014


This grief within me sometimes feels like its behavior resembles the ocean.  It comes upon me in waves.  Some days I feel inundated.  Other days the wave of grief recedes and more 'positive', light emotions predominate.  Today has been another mixed day.  I felt good throughout much of the day.  Now, upon arriving home, the sadness within me feels immense.

I went to All God's Children Metropolitan Community Church this morning for the 10 am service.  It was probably the most well attended service I have seen since I started attending last September.  The new pastor is a very engaging, enthusiastic man; I can imagine the congregation will grow in size in the coming months and years.  I was even asked if I might be willing to consider doing some training in the near future to assume a more active role within the church.  That is something I will have to ponder over the coming weeks.  I already have plenty on my plate.

Earlier this afternoon I attended a workshop.  I'm going to spare the details of the experience in this posting simply because sharing more now will take this blog in a direction I am not quite ready to imagine going...at least not yet.  Suffice it to say that when I began my journey of recovery from PTSD last summer I decided to allow myself to think openly and imagine all sorts of possibilities for the future of my life.  I believe it is important that I cultivate such a spirit of openness and willingness to entertain many different options given my existing professional background, my interests and the burden that the pain I have carried around has caused me throughout so much of my life.  It still feels so weird not to be anxious all the time!

Today was the mildest day we have had in some time here in Minneapolis.  The roads are a sloppy or wet mess because the temperature reached about 40F!  I was able to walk the dogs without a coat on!  The icy vise of winter relaxed its grip on us.  It was a welcome reminder that one day, when the sun's power has grown sufficiently strong, the ice will melt, the soils will thaw and the trees will bloom.  Until then I am focused on continuing to do my grief work.  And what work it is.

This coming week is going to prove an eventful week for me.  I'm finally essentially ready to communicate with other members of my paternal family regarding my wants and needs.  I am not holding out any hope that I will receive a stellar and amazingly supportive response.  But I need to be myself and speak from my heart...as painful and scary as it may be.  Courage is my greatest ally now.

Also important will be my visit to a podiatrist on Thursday.  I am hoping for the best.  I pray I will not have some sort of new journey of physical therapy ahead of me to address whatever the issue is in my left foot.  But I will do what is necessary.  I will not cease until my life is as I wish it to be.  Who knows how long that might take!

Naming My Losses As a Means of Exploring the Terrain of Grief

Saturday, January 18, 2014


I found myself feeling a bit weary of winter when I went outside this morning.  The temperature wasn't intolerable at all when I went out; it was in the upper teens.  Considering that we are currently traversing that time which is typically the coldest time of year according to climatology it could be much colder.  Another light snowfall overnight covered up the darkest grays of old snow and renewed the freshness of the landscape.  I suppose I am simply anxious for the new season of life to begin.  I want to experience Spring...and soon.  And I know it will be here one day.

As for now I am focusing on the psychic work most suited to the season of Winter.  I am looking more deeply into my grief.  What follows now is a continuation of my writing from yesterday.  In this pamphlet entitled "Loss of Dreams: A Special Kind of Grief" Ted Bowman explores the experience of losing both the tangible and intangible.  He references two writers, Kenneth Mitchell and Herbert Anderson, and describes the categories of loss they articulated.  They are as follows:

1) Material loss are the losses associated with physical objects or surroundings

2) Relationship losses are those involving ending of opportunities to relate oneself to, talk with, share experiences with, make love to, touch, settle issues with, fight with, and otherwise be in the emotional and/or physical presence of a particular human being

3) Functional losses are those in which we lose some parts of the muscular or neurological functions of the body

4) Role losses refer to the loss of a specific role or one's accustomed place in a social network

5) Systemic losses is a category not often used.  They use it to describe losses when changes in systems affect us.  An example is the organizational change that results in layoffs, restructuring, or down-sizing

6) Intrapsychic losses are likened to the experience of losing an emotionally important image of oneself, losing the possibilities of "what might have been", abandonment of plans for a particular future and the dying of a dream.


As I contemplate this system of categories I realize I have experienced several of these types of loss in the last few years.  Below is my first attempt to list out my losses in reference to the listing above.

1) I have moved frequently in the last few years in search of a suitable job market and place to call home.  The moribund economy combined with the socioeconomic and cultural realities of several places I attempted to create a life for myself (Portland, OR and Washington, DC) led me to move on and attempt to find a place for myself in other places.  And yet I think part of what I was dealing with relates to #5.  I will address that more shortly.

2) When I saw my mother last May it was both an enjoyable and painful experience.  Seeing her now affected by a degree of dementia caused me to realize that certain wishful thinking and hoping I had previously entertained was something I could no longer do.  My birthmother was never the person I had so often hoped she would have been for me. (And neither was my father)  Being in the physical presence of my mother will never again be the same as it once was before.  That time is gone now...and it isn't possible for me to reverse the progression of time.

3) Simultaneous to these losses I was also experiencing some impairment in my physical health.  I was thus experiencing some functional loss.  Thankfully I have been able to restore my health due to my rigorous commitment to physical and psychotherapy.  Overall my own health is now better than it has ever been. And yet the issue of functional loss is one to remain mindful of.  Now that I have restored my health such that I can enjoy a quality of life I never previously could my intention is to maintain and continue to further improve my physical fitness.

4) Role losses can go hand in hand with material losses.  Every time I relocated I had to create a social network once again.  This takes time and energy.  As I plot out my future I am mindful of the need to be strategic in my decision making such that I can minimize the risk of any excessive hardship that could prove traumatic to my well being.

5) I believe there is a profound transformation occurring not just in the United States but also throughout the world.  We are seeing the limits of old ways of thinking in regards to creating and operating our economies and managing our natural resources.  Endless capitalism is simply not going to work.  The Earth has finite boundaries and we as a species have now developed into a force that can now literally reshape the world.

Moving away from a macro-level perspective towards a more local one I sense that the economy here in the United States will also never be the same again.  Globalization, technological development, the offshoring of jobs and other factors are reshaping our economy and many others.  There are many losers in the outcomes...and I believe the American people are, on a whole, among these loser classes.  A systemic unwillingness to collaborate and compromise within our governance structure (at the federal, state and local levels) is allowing our infrastructure and human capital to suffer.  This is not a way to run a nation!

6) The losses I have already enunciated have impacted my own personal development and sense of self in the world.  With the world around me changing so quickly and in so many ways I realize I simply cannot be the person I once was.  Some of the changes I have gone through are simply to be expected as I have grown more mature (you can read older here as a synonym).  My unexpected diagnosis of PTSD last summer led me to abandon my former career trajectory.  I instead found myself needing time to contemplate the resources available to me, my desires and my greatest hopes.  I see that I will soon be emerging from this period of review, renewal and gestation.  A new Me is emergent now...and the new Me will be one more suited to the world around me as well as the needs and priorities I have.


Despite being quite short in length the pamphlet I have referenced provided me ample fodder to begin plumbing my grief more deeply.  To recognize and work through my grief I first had to take the time to name the losses that I am dealing with.  In writing about them today I am taking yet another step on my road to full recovery and wellness.

I am at the downtown YMCA now.  I will be sitting in the sauna for a period of time as one means of hopefully ridding myself of a low grade headache that has been tickling my awareness since this morning.  I woke up yet again with some neck pain.  I hope that a nice afternoon stay at the gym will help me work out some of my pain.

My Immunization Record is Finally Current

Friday, January 17, 2014


When I secured a good health insurance plan on June 1st of last year I had no idea what a roller coaster ride I would find myself on as I became the most proactive I have ever been in regards to maintaining and improving my health.  As I consulted with a variety of doctors to address the list of health concerns I had I initially felt overwhelmed by the list of diagnoses that eventually formed in my online medical record.  I can easily access my record online and sometimes still laugh when I look at the listing.  But I certainly was not laughing last summer.  No, I was quite angry at the time.

Many of my closest friends know just how angry I was then.  My PTSD diagnosis was quite a shock; I spent much time in therapy earlier in my life only to discover the therapy I had undergone had not successfully completely addressed my issues.  Psychotherapy in particular and medicine in general is still both an art and a science so I don't hold any grudge now towards the practitioners I saw in the past.  EMDR, a therapy I have successfully used to treat the impact of the trauma I experienced early in my own development, is still a relatively new therapy.  But having used it with such great success I can say now that I am a great proponent of it.  Nothing has radically revolutionized my life as much as EMDR therapy.  The shamanic journey-work I did with local practitioner Mary Rutherford was also tremendously helpful.

I completed another important process this morning.  My immunization record is finally complete and current.  I do not need anything outside of the standard annual flu shot until the year 2018.  It's such a relief to have this process finally complete.  No I have only three major processes left: 1) Address the issue with my left foot that has been troubling me since the summer of 2012, 2) complete my physical therapy for my left shoulder and 3) complete my treatment for PTSD.  Compared to the litany of issues I had going on when I first began seeking treatment last summer my remaining list is quite light!  I feel very proud of myself for remaining committed to my healing process in the midst of such a challenging pile of problems.  A related intention I have is to never find myself in such a scenario again.

The days are growing longer now but there is no evidence yet of any significant change in the weather. This is typical considering how the coldest and warmest days of the year lag behind the corresponding winter and summer solstices by several weeks on average.  And yet it appears next weekend might be nearly as cold as the Revenge of the Polar Vortex episode we had in the first week of January.  But at least the darkness is receding!  One day it will be spring and the trees will emerge from their dormancy and burst forth in green splendor.  I am so excited to see how I will feel when this particular spring arrives.  I sense it will be like no other.


Yesterday I finally did something else healthy as well.  I distracted myself with some informative reading while riding the bus around town.  I read about the phenomenon of loss of dreams in a pamphlet entitled 'Loss of Dreams: A Special Kind of Grief' written by Ted Bowman.  This pamphlet provided me a good template to begin to better articulate the grief I have been carrying around for so long.  It was my deepest grief that was awakened last year when I traveled to Germany in May.

The grief of losing my mother to schizophrenia was (and is) such a deep grief.  It found a place within me so early in my life and remain there all these years.  When my parents separated and my mother returned to Germany I was not able to grieve the loss of her presence in my life.  But then again how do you teach a child who is only about four years of age to grieve?  Grief is difficult enough to create a space for when you are a healthy, happy, high functioning adult.  But being four years old and dealing with such a loss is incredibly painful and demanding.  And I didn't exactly have the most functional father to instruct me in the ways of grief.  He was naturally also deeply impacted by the loss of my mother.

It's my sense that our culture (America) and many others would be much healthier if men were better trained to deal with the phenomenon of grief.  The inability of men to confront and work through the experience of grief is such a tragedy and, in my opinion, it scars all too many people's lives.  Emotional crippling of youth has so many unfortunate implications.  And so does inadequate mentoring of boys.  Can you even allow yourself to contemplate the loss of quality of life so many men suffer because they cannot even bring themselves to that edge of the ocean of grief they may carry and whose contours they fear exploring?

I don't know about anyone else but I have decided it is time to dive in.  I would rather drown while discovering what is within my grief than walk always along the shore of my ocean of grief and never allow myself to explore the lessons and healing I might find by jumping in.  I salute the courage within me that I am drawing upon as I jump in.  Courage is the companion we must welcome when we wish to live amazing, productive, memorable lives full of love, friendship and prosperity.

Time to leap!

Going Deeply Within during the Heart of Winter

Thursday, January 16, 2014


The moon was full recently.  I went out walking with the dogs and noticed the beautiful light of the moon illuminating the snowy landscape.  The beauty of winter is so different from that of other seasons.  The whiteness of the snow covered world can soften the rough edges we see more easily in other seasons.  Sound travels differently as well because the atmosphere is so much colder.  Have you ever noticed the difference between a passenger plan flying overhead in winter compared to one in summer?  It is remarkable.

I am staying at home much of today so that I can get myself better organized and clear my focus.  There are still many loose ends to tie up.  I continue to grow stronger every day.  I am delighted by what my future can potentially hold as I continue on my course of healing.  I have such an amazing amount of energy despite the dormancy of the world outside my windows.  I cannot recall a time when I have handled the season of winter so well.

This evening after assisting with dinner service at the Aliveness Project I went to Pathways Health Resource Center and participated in a Laughter Yoga class.  It was the first time I have ever done 'laughter yoga'.  And I was the only participant!  So I felt I was a bit in the spotlight.  As I made my way home I pondered the topics of grief and laughter.  I came to feel that laughter is, in one sense, the opposite side of grief.  It is its counterpoint.  I have had too much grief in my life and not enough laughter.  This is just another way to articulate a fundamental imbalance in my life that I need to change for the good of my own long term health.

The temperature dropped precipitously over the course of the day.  It was dark and cold when I arrived home.  I found myself wanting spring to arrive sooner rather than later...certainly sooner than it did last year.  The wind chill is below 0F now.  But the most sobering news of all is that we might have a cold weather outbreak on par with what we experienced ten days ago about ten days from now.  We are traversing those days in which winter is at its peak power.

In other news, I will finally complete another important step in my therapeutic process in the next few weeks.  I spoke with my therapist yesterday about what I feel is a healthy way to move forward in regards to my paternal family of origin.

The Return of the Alpha Male

Wednesday, January 15, 2014


As I noted in a posting last month my therapy has progressed far enough that the veneer I once presented to the world has crumbled away.  My real personality is finally beginning to show through in a consistent way.  Though people who have known me for a long time are almost sure to recognize my physical appearance they are much less likely to perhaps recognize my personality.  I have a strong alpha male in me that I have rarely fully shown to the world.  It might have emerged earlier in my life had I had more examples of strong male personalities to look to for guidance and support.  But I hid my alpha male power because I simply felt too beaten down by the various involuntary experiences I was subjected to.  Now, having gone through a sufficient amount of therapy, the real me is emerging.

My own personal life journey leads me to believe that one doesn't overcome the impact of having an anxiety disorder for about thirty-five years overnight.  It takes time to heal and revolutionize your life.  But it can happen...and I see it happening in my own life.  I am rapidly changing and healing.  And yet even so this transformation in which I am moving in the direction of a life I want to live is not something that lacks grief.  Grief is a part of the process.  Grieving is a part of the process.  I am working on that grieving process now.  It is the step I now find myself in as I continue therapy.

Exercise has become one way I have been doing my grief work.  I feel that I missed out on so much in my 'younger' years because the impact of trauma was clouding my vision, burdening my heart and weighing heavy on my mind.  Thus even when I was out in the world doing amazing and enjoyable things I was not fully present to the experience.  I thus was not fully experiencing what was around me because I myself was not completely there.  A part of my consciousness was not present.  Now that long burden is gone.  Waking up to a life without a traumatized mind is certainly an amazing process.  And some days it nearly scares me witless.  And then other days I feel an exhilaration I never thought possible.  It feels like I am a teenager all over again!

My traumatized personality was quite passive.  Rather than act as a powerful agent in the world I too often acted in response to what the world presented to me.  I wasn't really a pro-active person.  Now I am living a proactive life.  And wow what a difference that has made!

The Light at the End of the Physical Therapy Tunnel

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

I finally can clearly discern the end of the physical therapy process I have been undergoing these last several months.  I went to see my physical therapist at HCMC Parkside Alternative Medicine Clinic this morning.  Yesterday I scheduled a reevaluation of my left shoulder with the physical therapist I was previously seeing within the Abbott Hospital system.  Every aspect of my health continues to improve.  I am confident that I will be done with my physical therapy process by the beginning of March.  I believe this is a very realistic expectation to have; it seems likely I will complete my shoulder work well before that date.  Setting realistic goals is very important.

I met with my former (and now again current) physical therapist at Abbott Northwestern Hospital to reassess my shoulder.  I simply need some fine tuning now rather than any major work.  What a relief that is!  I want to be able to take up a more high-energy demanding activity like boxing or kick-boxing in the near future.  Once my shoulders are a bit stronger and more stabilized I will have at it.  Pursuing a more expressive and aggressive form of physical activity will also help me with the final resolution of my PTSD.

On that note I plan to ask my psychotherapist to reassess me when I see him tomorrow.  I believe it is very possible that I might be un-diagnosable for PTSD by this coming summer.  What a treat it will be to feel fully restored in mind and body!

I enjoyed a lovely lunch at the Germanic American Institute in St. Paul earlier today.  I went for a number of reasons: 1) I love German food, 2) I wish to expand my network of career contacts and 3) I want to hear others speaking in my mother's language.  It's a good way for me to keep my mind sharp for my future endeavors.

It snowed last night.  But the days are growing longer each day.  This evening I went for a walk with my roommate's dogs.  The nearly full moon illuminated the freshly fallen snow.  It was a striking sight to behold.

Starting Over at Forty: Drinking With My Eyes

Monday, January 13, 2014


I found myself feeling better and better as the hours ticked away yesterday.  I feel blessed to have some very good friends who will listen to me and show me love and compassion.  I need plenty of that.

As I stood waiting for the bus last night the phrase 'drinking with my eyes' came to me yet again.  I found myself looking at the white Christmas lights in the trees lining Nicollet Mall on the north edge of downtown and recalling another holiday season many years ago when I first was given eyeglasses as a kid.  I can still remember how all these little white lights strung through trees inside the mall suddenly became crystal clear when I put those glasses on.  I had no idea at the time that the grief within me was distorting my vision.

I now find myself finally feeling ready to disentangle the various strands of grief within me.  Diving through my excess anger led me to a reservoir of grief.  As I have progressed forward these last six months I have also found myself feeling a new form of grief.  As it has become increasingly clear just how long I had been under the influence of an anxiety disorder I have realized how I have rarely functioned in my life in a way that allowed for clear perception of the world around me.  To experience such anxiety for over three decades and then to gradually come to that realization is no small matter.  It's a huge leap forward in my own evolution.  And yet it's painful to realize the quality of my life was being consistently undermined by this anxiety for so very long.

The world around me feels so magical now.  I find myself feeling as if I have a voracious appetite for everything...especially attractive men.  Every time an attractive man crosses my path I find myself struggling not to stare; I want to drink in his beauty with my eyes.  I notice the vast variety of colors and forms in a way I never have before.  Subtle variations in light intrigue me.  The innumerable hues in the sky also captivate me.  There now seems to never be a dull moment.

Navigating the Never Dull World

Sunday, January 12, 2014

I went out last night in the hope of seeing some good friends.  And though I did see some people I consider friends I also, unfortunately, saw two people I would rather have never met earlier in my life.  I went home earlier than I had planned.  Before the bus picked me up I found myself sobbing outside in the darkness of a thankfully mild winter night.

I am so tired of being hurt.  I am so very exhausted by the impact of so many experiences in which I have placed my trust in another person or organization and then had my trust deeply violated by the conduct of said person or organization.  I see that one of my seminal life issues is that of the injustice of living in a world when there are no consequences for the thoughtless, unethical, amoral, vindictive and (or) even dangerous conduct of other human beings.  I know there are many people out there who have experienced such pain and disenfranchisement.  History, recent and otherwise, is replete with such examples.  And yet somehow it doesn't make it much easier for me to go through what I am going through now even knowing this easily verifiable truth.

It's very difficult for me to be around people who have such serious issues that they cannot bring themselves to confront.  That was much of my life story growing up.  I feel that my father's family continually avoided acknowledging my father's very serious issues even though such avoidance put me at very real risk of harm.  Being in denial was apparently more important than my own safety.  I've had this thought and the associated feelings many times and maybe it will bore some of my devoted readers to see it again in print but that's simply how I feel and I am very aware of it again today due to seeing some similarly 'tuned out' people last night.  But then again isn't that something you are likely to see at a bar?  Bars are a magnet for alcoholics and others wishing to drink their troubles away; it's probably best for someone like myself to seek friendship, connection, brotherhood, etc elsewhere while I am still actively pursuing my recovery from PTSD.  I recall earlier in my recovery that I made a commitment to myself to refrain from activities that would put me at risk by hindering my recovery.  I believe it may be time to reassess my activities in the spirit of this commitment.

Despite the downward plunge I experienced last night I am doing well overall.  I have additional physical therapy and acupuncture appointments to complete in the coming weeks.  I feel quite solid from my waist down now.  As I continue to work on my left shoulder I want to put a plan in place to further build and rebuild my upper body.  My revised goal is to be complete with all active physical therapy activities no later than March 1st.

When Deeper Healing Begins

Saturday, January 11, 2014


It was shortly before Christmas when I began to notice a distinct difference in how I felt on a daily basis.  At first I was intrigued by the change.  I also felt elated, perplexed and excited.  I was noticing that I was feeling quite good.  Indeed, I was feeling so good that I could not recall ever feeling so well.  And I do mean throughout my entire life.  This feeling has persisted throughout the last four or five weeks now.

I feel myself to now be on the cusp of something rather unprecedented.  I feel myself to be moving headlong into a quality of being that is completely unfamiliar to me.  I have been sharing this revelation with some of my closest friends.  I have become a modern day version of the explorers of centuries ago who discovered lands they first described as the New World.  I have become an explorer and adventurer; I am now learning what it means to live a life without PTSD distorting my perception of the world around me.

Yesterday, as I sat in a bus in downtown Minneapolis, I noticed the grit coating the bus windows.  We have had a thaw here in the Midwest.  Between last Monday morning and yesterday the temperature has warmed about 55 degrees Fahrenheit.  That is no small feat.  The crusty snow has softened.  Residential streets were covered in slimy dark brown slush-snow last night when I took the dogs out for a walk.  It was a pleasant reminder that one day the sun's power will again thaw out the entire landscape.  One day the trees will burst forth and create the symphony of life we know as spring.  I suspect it will be a spring unlike any other I have ever experienced.  It might even rival the one I experienced in 1997 when I lived on the Rosebud reservation in South Dakota.  I can still vividly recall how I marveled at the return of the color green to the vast plains that were then the backdrop of my life.

I came to see that grit encrusted bus as a metaphor for the life I had been living for so long.  I was walking around in my body and looking through eyes that did not see clearly.  My vision was clouded (much like the dirt streaked windows) by a residue of trauma that had never been fully cleansed from my mind.  Past therapy, while helpful, had not been sufficiently effective to transform my life as what I have experienced most recently.  The metaphor of blindness has also been one for me to ponder.  And more than once I have thought of the line from the song Amazing Grace: 'was blind, but now I see.'

My work with my therapist is not over by any means.  But now I am able to plunge into that deepest core of the pain I have carried.  I am ready to dive headlong into the grief.  It's my opinion that grief is one of the most common things you will unearth once you move through anger.  Anger is something of a mask for unacknowledged and therefore unattended grief.

In the very near future I will begin sharing the amazing healing I have been experiencing with a few members of my father's family.  My intention in doing so is to let them know how I am doing.  But I also intend to fully express my feeling that I am no longer comfortable being an active member of the family without some greater attention being paid to my own father's dysfunctional behavior.  I am doubtful that anything significant will change even if I issue an ultimatum.  But I finally feel strong enough now that I can move forward with or without my family backing me up.

I have made the disquieting discovery that there seems to be a dearth of grief support groups targeted specifically to men here in the Twin Cities.  I have obtained several referrals and seem to have exhausted the most promising leads I had.  I think it correct to say that men in our modern world are still very much amateurs when it comes to exploring the terrain of grief.  As a culture I believe America fails its boys in their developmental process.  As but one example consider this: why are so many of the mass shooting incidents in this nation perpetrated by men or teenage boys?  Certainly women and girls have their own significant issues with the construction of what it means to be a woman in this culture.  But I do believe that in the world of gender relations and human development it is now the boys who are beginning to lag behind the girls.

I feel very fortunate to have reached the point I have in my own recovery process.  Life feels so magical and amazing now.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Our Bodies Are Amazing Creations

Friday, January 10, 2014


Today was one of those very rare Fridays when I awoke at about 9:30 am and did not need to quickly get myself ready to be anywhere.  There are certain joys of not being a rat in the working world and being a slave to a clock.  I allowed myself to sleep in partly due to the fact that I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday; my left shoulder needed some exquisite rest.

Allowing my left shoulder to go somewhat 'offline' for a bit has been a good inspiration to help me reflect on how amazing the human body is.  When we experience a superficial cut our body immediately starts to activate a clotting response so we do not indefinitely bleed (unless you suffer from a condition that impairs this automatic response).  When something gets introduced into our body that causes dis-ease the body finds any number of ways to purge it.  I'll spare the vivid words used to describe those processes.  PTSD is itself a normal and healthy response to trauma.

I have been reflecting on how I have sometimes taken my own body for granted.  I think it is very human to do so.  We live in a world so overrun with technology that it can be easy to start conceiving of our bodies as just another machine that needs 'fuel' to run.  This machine concept, however, strikes me as very shortsighted and certainly not holistic in its perspective.  As we grow older I think it is very natural to become more cognizant of the body; abusing it seems to catch up with us faster and nurturing it seems to be something we begin to more and more appreciate the value of.  I have been motivated to develop a rigorous gym regimen in part as a means of developing a higher level of fitness so I can do a more physical job in the future.

I swam twenty laps at the YMCA today.  I also reviewed the offering of classes to see what I might be able to attend in the next few weeks.  It's been so liberating to release this idea I once accepted (that I am not athletic) and simply allow myself to have more fun.

In other news I'm finally beginning to work more on organizing my contact list for my job search process.  In the next few weeks I will be reaching out in a number of venues to further explore my options.

An Open Letter to Gabrielle Giffords

Thursday, January 9, 2014


Yesterday I read what I found to be a very moving op-ed in the New York Times.  It was written by Gabrielle Giffords on the three year anniversary of the mass shooting in Tucson, Arizona that nearly claimed her life.  As I have disclosed in earlier entries in my blog I have been personally deeply affected by the issue of gun violence.  I share below the contents of the letter I wrote to her today.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Dear Mrs. Giffords,

I was very moved by the op-ed piece you wrote which appeared in the Wednesday, January 8^th edition of the New York Times.  I have been going through an intensive process of recovery from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder these last six months.  My PTSD developed in part as a response to events in my childhood.  I nearly lost my father to gun violence.  Thus like you I have been very personally impacted by the scourge of gun violence.  I would like to share some of my story with you as it might give you hope and encouragement that there are many American citizens who feel as passionately as you do about the need to address this public health crisis.

I realize you are going through a lengthy process of recovery.  Thus it might not be the best choice to hear about other people’s trauma.  But since you created the organization Americans for Responsible Solutions I assume you might be interested to hear other people’s stories even as you focus on your own recovery.

My father was shot and nearly killed in June, 1982.  I was only eight years old at the time and was visiting my father’s parents three hundred miles away when the incident happened.  My stepmother, though not the person who made the attempt on his life, was responsible for the crime.  It was actually a minor, a teenage boy, who fired the gun that nearly killed my father.  There are many pieces to the story I will likely never know.  I often consider it only dumb luck that my father survived.  The bullet entered his chest and missed his heart by a mere inch.  With the assistance of a neighbor he was rushed by ambulance to Parkland Hospital in Dallas county (Texas).  He survived the incident and eventually was able to leave the hospital and resume something of a normal life.

In the early 1980s PTSD was still very poorly understood.  As I understand it this diagnostic category was initially created to describe a host of symptoms commonly witnessed in veterans returning from conflict.  As research into PTSD has grown it has become clear that a variety of non-armed conflict situations can also induce the genesis of PTSD in an individual.  Physical, verbal and sexual abuse, abduction, attempted murder and natural disasters can all trigger the development of PTSD.  My own PTSD was a result of being exposed to my mother as she became ill with schizophrenia when I was a very small child as well as subsequent abuse I experienced in my father’s second marriage.  It did not help that I grew up in Texas.  As you likely know given your own life history Texas is, politically speaking, a very conservative state.  The NRA has a strong base of membership there.

When I was diagnosed with PTSD last year I was quite surprised.  I had been in therapy earlier in my life but the diagnoses given had always been depression or anxiety.  I had never understood my own life history through the descriptive lens of PTSD.  As part of my own healing process I reviewed my medical history and also consulted with the psychiatrists I had seen earlier in my life.  I wanted to understand how so many medical care providers failed to diagnose my condition in the best way possible.  Though it was true that I had experienced bouts of depression at different points in my life my symptoms were never previously articulated to me to be indicative of trauma and thus I did not understand that I was affected by something like PTSD.  After receiving the diagnosis last June I entered into therapy yet again.  With the help of a treatment technique I had never worked with before (Eye Motion Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy or EMDR therapy for short) I have found a depth of healing I never had experienced before.  Over six months later I can honestly say I have never felt so good in all my life.  It is truly amazing what modern medicine can accomplish.

As I noted earlier in my letter I felt motivated to write to you because of your focus on the issue of gun violence.  As part of my own recent therapy I decided to look into the incident that nearly took my father’s life.  My own trauma was compounded by my feeling that several important institutions also failed to do their jobs well.  For example, my stepmother was never prosecuted for the crime of attempted murder.  I will spare providing the particular reasons behind that but it was a matter of police corruption.  I also had long wondered how the hospital where my father was admitted and treated could have failed to do something of a rigorous psychiatric assessment for him as part of his required care.  And this brings me to one aspect of the issue of gun violence that I found of specific interest to learn more about. 

I have studied public policy (with a focus on environmental policy) as part of my education.  I have two graduate degrees.  My major in my more recent graduate degree was international environmental policy.  I recently completed a fellowship awarded to me by the American Council on Germany.  You can thus conclude I am an intelligent man.  In my opinion (even though I am not trained in criminology or medicine) it seems it would be very wise if patients admitted specifically to emergency rooms of hospitals in which their admission is due to a life threatening injury caused specifically by someone they know (in my case it was my father’s wife) should be required by the admitting hospital to undergo a psychiatric evaluation of some sort (as a means of screening for PTSD) as a standard part of patient care.  To my knowledge my father never received any mental health counseling as a requirement for his discharge from the hospital.  To my knowledge my father never subsequently sought out any counseling to address the pain he experienced as a result of his wife’s attempt to murder him.  It is my opinion my father has an untreated condition (I suspect it is PTSD) that has undermined his own quality of life ever since.  It saddens me to believe this is true but I suspect I am correct.

As with the many well publicized events of gun violence in recent years in this nation (Newtown, your own shooting, Aurora, Colorado, Columbine High School, etc) one can endlessly debate that mix of factors which acting together made it possible for such horror to unfold.  In my own particular experience there were a number of factors: a teenage boy had access to a weapon and acted under the instruction of an adult to attempt to murder my father.  What the decisive factor was (if there was one) that led to the attempt is difficult to ascertain.  But I do believe it safe to say a teenage boy would be much less likely to attack an adult man with a weapon less powerful than a gun.  Having access to a gun was an important factor in  my father’s near-death.

It saddened me greatly when attempts to pass sensible gun safety legislation failed in Congress.  I have been disheartened with Congress for a long time now.  I do not believe much of Congress represents the needs of most of the American citizenry.  Congress has become too influenced by powerful special interests (like the NRA) whose primary motives are maintaining a status quo that meets their needs and their needs alone.  This is not democracy.  When a minority is able to foist its will on the majority the democratic process is sickly at best.  I am contemplating leaving this country and living and working in Europe as I am very concerned about the direction our nation is going.  And gun violence is just one major issue that leads me to contemplate such possibilities.

I suspect you have a lot to deal with in your own life.  I congratulate you that your own physical therapy has continued to help you to heal.  I have also been in physical therapy these last several months.  I thus know how agonizing it can be to work towards the most incremental of improvements.  I want to thank you for the inspiration you provide to me and other Americans who have been adversely affected by gun violence.

Shortly after my diagnosis I started a blog to document my own recovery from PTSD.  You are welcome to read from it and share it with anyone you know, personally or through professional circles, who might benefit from what I share.  The address for my blog is http://bcwellkamp.blogspot.com.  I use an assumed name as I want to maintain a degree of anonymity; I have very strong political opinions and prefer to limit the possibility of receiving the electronic equivalent of hate mail!  My own recovery is going quite well.  I sense I will be able to achieve my goal of being un-diagnosable for PTSD by the end of 2014.

I imagine that despite your ongoing recovery you nonetheless receive a significant volume of correspondence from former constituents and other citizens throughout the nation.  Nonetheless I would greatly appreciate it if you could confirm you received and read my letter.  I receive many compliments on my writing skill and would appreciate knowing that it somehow brightened your day.

I wish you the very best in your continued recovery and in your efforts to help make this nation a safer place for all of us!

Sincerely,

Christian Wellkamp

The Antithesis of Calcification

Wednesday, January 8, 2014


Today has been an extraordinarily good day.  It's not only above 0F but I feel as good as I ever have.  It  must have been some time last month when I finally was able to truthfully proclaim that I have never felt better in my entire life.  Those of you who are reading this who know anyone (yourself included) diagnosed with PTSD ought to consider learning more about EMDR therapy.  It is obvious to me that it was a fundamental ingredient in my amazing healing process.

I went to Abbott Northwestern hospital today to follow up regarding my left shoulder.  Though my shoulder function is so much better that it was previously I was nonetheless recommended to get some additional physical therapy.  The new order will be sent to my physical therapist at HCMC's Parkside Alternative Medicine Clinic.  I am pushing back my goal for completion of my physical therapy to March 1st.  I believe this is a realistic goal to achieve.  I am so happy that the end of that process is in sight.

I actually can also imagine the end of my therapeutic work with my clinical social worker as well.  I very much doubt I could complete that work by March 1st as well but I do believe I can be un-diagnosable for PTSD by the end of 2014.  That is another one of my goals.  Shortly after I returned to therapy and began the arduous process of healing my many challenging issues I began to wonder what the Guinness record is for healing from PTSD.  I sense that my therapist is very impressed with the pace of my recovery.  I know I certainly feel proud of myself!

I also met with my job coach today.  Now that the holidays have come and gone I can finally get into a regular rhythm of meeting with her to assist me in my work search process.  I scheduled a weekly appointment with her through the end of February.  It's so exciting to be able to reference the month of March in any manner!  Having experienced some of the worst cold a winter may feature here in Minnesota it seems quite likely the coldest weather of the winter may already be behind us!  That is exciting.  I believe I am going to enjoy this coming spring in a way I have never enjoyed spring before. It will certainly be the first spring in which I feel fully alive!

There is so much to look forward to in my life now!

Surprised When the Well Ran Dry

Tuesday, January 7, 2014


Something happened during my visit with my therapist today that was quite unexpected. I actually ran out of material to immediately work with. After following up on the primary points I shared yesterday I found myself struggling to come up with something fresh to say. I suppose I have entered a new phase where the momentum that already exists in my therapeutic process will help me move forward.

I had another one of those 'sparkling' moments today in which I looked around myself and marveled at the vividness and beauty of my surroundings. Despite the bitter cold weather of recent days I can still find the snow covered landscapes of parks and distant vistas so very beautiful to behold. There is something so incredibly appropriate to exploring the contours of my grief during the period of deep hibernation that winter offers. Winter offers a long pause between the seasons of warmth and life. Having grown up in Texas I never experienced many 'real' winters in which subfreezing weather persists for weeks on end, lakes freeze over and the whole world takes on a very quiet quality. Here in the far north it is such a different story. Winter becomes a time of rest and reflection.

Now that the ongoing issue I had with the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus has been indefinitely shelved I can concentrate on other more important matters. Before I meet with my therapist again next Monday I plan to write a rough draft of a communication I plan to send to some members of my family. That is my next significant goal in my therapeutic journey.

I am not planning to stop writing my blog but I do sense that I am now at a turning point with the focus I bring to my writing process. Throughout the coming days and weeks I hope to find rejuvenation and some greater inspiration that will lead my writing process in whatever direction it is best that it proceed in.

Tomorrow I will be going to get my left shoulder reassessed. My commitment to ongoing physical therapy has helped me to transform my health. As I have noted in many recent posts I know feel better than I ever have before! It is more than two weeks after the Winter Solstice now. The days are growing longer now. And having gone through a period of intense cold weather it now seems fairly probable that the worst cold of the winter is now behind us. Spring will come one day. I sense this will be a special spring indeed!

All Over The Map

Monday, January 6, 2014


For someone who originally thought he would stay in for most of what will likely go down as the coldest day of the winter I sure did get around a lot today. After seeing my chiropractor this morning I hung around downtown a bit and waited to hear back from my therapist. After doing a brief phone consult with him I decided to enjoy the sauna at the downtown YMCA. Considering it was about -13F in the late morning sitting inside a hot room was a fun choice.

I later met up with a friend and spent the afternoon watching a movie, eating dinner and enjoying his company. I just now arrived home and it's already 11:30 P.M. And I need to be up early in the morning to go to my next physical therapy appointment. Oye!

Downtown was fairly empty today due to the bitter cold. The governor of Minnesota called off school today so traffic was unusually light for a Monday...even a Monday shortly after the holidays have come and gone. Later in the day when I again had reason to be outside on my way between destinations I noticed how empty some of the residential streets were. Many people definitely did seem to choose to stay indoors all day long. And the weird thing is that I didn't find the cold "that bad". I suppose I am acclimating well to the cold considering it is only my second winter here in Minnesota.

As I rode two buses home tonight I found myself feeling a bit down. Part of my sadness is a result of my disappointment in the ending of my active membership within the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus. I had a much finer first impression of the organization than I now do as I exit and move on with my life. I put time and energy into making new friends, practicing songs and singing in concerts. And of course all members do that. I never dreamed it would end as badly as it did.

I also feel sad because I need more intimacy in my own life and I now feel myself a bit back at square one. But tomorrow is another day.

When Old Wounds Are Reopened

Sunday, January 5, 2014


Even as I continue to restore my health I find myself occasionally hit valleys on the upward trend line of my progress. I have been feeling myself to be in a valley in the last day or so. It's not the cold outside that has me upset; I managed to keep myself entertained throughout much of the day with a movie marathon. I feel a bit down again because the issue I had with the quality of the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus seems to be dying a slow death.

Yesterday, while online, I was unpleasantly surprised to discover that my former landlord had attempted to look at my profile, yet again, on an online dating site. I had previously blocked him from accessing my profile shortly after I first received my notice of eviction in November. I thought that my more recent correspondence in which I revealed I had learned the fuller history of one of his dogs and also disclosed the other issues I had not previously voiced to him would have made it quite clear how upset I was with him for what I believe any sound thinking, reasonable person would call negligence. So to see him attempting to look at my profile yesterday was all the more bizarre. His behavior has now reached close to that threshold beyond which you could easily call him a stalker.

The issue of harassment within the organization and my landlord's subsequent poor behavior were enough to deal with. But this issue is also painful for me in a different way. It causes me to question the quality of my own judgment. How could I have been so wrong about this man whom I trusted? I see clearly part of the reason I trusted him more than I might otherwise have was that he was (and I assume still is) a member of the Board of Directors of the organization. My understanding is that he has been a singing member for many years. I think it's quite natural to assume someone must be trustworthy when you learn they serve on a Board for a major arts organization. And yet assumptions can easily be the cause of misunderstandings and much more. Obviously my initial impression was not correct.

And so now I am working through the grief of the end of any hope I had that perhaps somehow I could return to the organization and participate if I desired to. In early December I still held that hope. Now I don't. Several current members, including my former landlord, would all have to depart the organization before I would even consider rejoining. It's a healthy choice for me to put this experience behind me and move on.

It was all too easy for this unfortunate experience to reopen my ancient wounding around trust. When my mother became seriously ill with schizophrenia she would sometimes go into rages and become violent. I can consciously recall that persistent feeling of anxiety I had throughout so much of the time when I was a child. It is no wonder I developed an anxiety disorder. I simply did not feel fully safe.

My recovery has gone quite well thus far. I have never felt as good as I do now even with the issues I am still confronting. I am confident I will be able to continue to move forward and thoroughly heal. I need to continue to bring some conscious awareness to this tendency I have had to invite people into my life too fast. The consequences of such minimal boundaries can be quite harmful.


I am going to continue working on my list of goals for 2014 this coming week. It will be easy to work on them tomorrow as I plan to spend a majority of the day inside away from the bitter cold.

The Benefits of Hibernation

Saturday, January 4, 2014

I went to a grief support group this morning in the hope of finding some like minded people who are facing some of the same issues. I didn't find what I was looking for so I went to the YMCA and swam in the pool. While downtown I saw a portion of the following quote:

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”

This was written by Albert Camus. I once read one of his books titled The Stranger. I suppose that title is fitting to recall as I am doing the work of befriending that part of myself which I have held at a distance and allowed to be a stranger for such a long while. And my ancient grief is wrapped up in that as well.

It seems so fitting that I came across this saying at this very moment as the strongest power of winter's bitter cold bears down on us from a part of the world called Nunavut. As I have traveled a deep journey of healing these last six months I have come to rediscover that invincible fire that Camus spoke of the invincible summer within each of us is, I believe, something like a divine light, a candle that lives on beyond the end of our bodies.

Though I no longer believe in some place called Heaven as I once was led to believe might exist I do still believe we go on in some form once we undergo corporeal death. I am more sure of what the afterlife is likely not rather than what it might be. I would rather work to create my own version of Heaven while living this life rather than work towards something in some afterlife.

I am taking a break from all the flurry of my recent significant life changes which I have made in the last month. Tomorrow, as some of the coldest weather arrives in perhaps nearly twenty years I intend to stay at home, stay warm and dream about what my own future can be.

The Next Huge Step Forward

Friday, January 3, 2014


I took another huge step forward on my therapeutic journey today.  I visited with Fr. Bauer of the Basilica of St. Mary this morning.  My intention was to speak with him about my paternal family of origin and more specifically about my conscience and what I feel I need to do to take care of my own health.  I wanted to be able to reference some sound doctrine from the Catholic Church (since I was raised Catholic but more importantly because my father's siblings are all practicing Catholics) when I next communicate with some members of my father's family.

I really enjoyed speaking with Fr. Bauer and found him to be thoughtful and wise in his input.  He pulled out a book related to the Second Vatican Council and found information related to following your conscience.  The most relevant passage appears below.  It is taken from the section entitled The Church in the Modern World.

Dignity of Moral Conscience

16. Deep within their consciences men and women discover a law which they have not laid upon themselves and which they must obey. Its voice, ever calling them to love and to do what is good and to avoid evil, tells them inwardly at the right moment: do this, shun that. For they have in their hearts a law inscribed by God. Their dignity rests in observing this law, and by it they will be judged.[9] Their conscience is people’s most secret core, and their sanctuary. There they are alone with God whose voice echoes in their depths.[10] By conscience, in a wonderful way, that law is made known which is fulfilled in the love of God and of one’s neighbor.[11] Through loyalty to conscience, Christians are joined to others in the search for truth and for the right solution to so many moral problems which arise both in the life of individuals and from social relationships. Hence, the more a correct conscience prevails, the more do persons and groups turn aside from blind choice and endeavor to conform to the objective standards of moral conduct. Yet it often happens that conscience goes astray through ignorance which it is unable to avoid, without thereby losing its dignity. This cannot be said of the person who takes little trouble to find out what is true and good, or when conscience is gradually almost blinded through the habit of committing sin.

I love my father and my father's siblings (even the ones I find very difficult to get along with) but I feel I cannot in good conscience continue to interact with my aunts and uncles in a way that discounts or ignores the discomfort I feel regarding my father's health and behavior.  I believe that continuing to live the way I have is not ethical.

I spoke with my therapist about this issue yesterday; it is my next big piece of work to address in my own healing journey.


In other news I am continuing to be faithful to my gym regimen.  I am at the downtown YMCA today (I already feel like it is my second home).  I decided to come for a workout (legs only) and restructure my plans for the next week in response to the extreme bitter cold weather expected to descend on Minnesota by Sunday night.  Next Monday might be one of the coldest days recorded in Minneapolis.  This is what local meteorologist Paul Douglas would call "character building cold".  I think it would be wise to get shopping and other tasks done now so I do not have to venture out into the cold at all from Monday through perhaps Wednesday.

My shoulder feels much better compared to yesterday.  I got a good night of sleep and feel very energetic today!  Onward and upward!  It still feels weird to be so happy and healthy.  Though there is a burden of grief within me that I must still attend to I now feel capable of fully addressing it.  It is amazing when I contemplate what may be possible for me in my life in the future!

Cheers!

A Great Start!

Thursday, January 2, 2014


I laughed more yesterday than I have in a very long time.  I finally got the opportunity to play Cards Against Humanity with my friend Carol as well as numerous others.  I had seen friends on Facebook posting pictures about this game but I had no idea just how truly delicious this game was until I tried it.  I won my very first game.  And now I am hooked!  I would love to play it again...as soon as possible.

If my day yesterday was any indication this year will be a very good one indeed.  I saw two guys briefly kiss inside the Panera Bread while I was downtown.  I had a great yoga class with Myra at the downtown YMCA.  And then I joined Carol for some great fun at her home.  I got home late after playing that devilish game for many hours.  As I feel asleep last night I could feel this smile within me.  I am finally feeling very alive now (more than ever before) and I am so excited to see what will unfold in 2014.

I went to see my physical therapist and acupuncturist this morning at HCMC's Parkside Alternative Medicine Clinic.  My left shoulder received some good care; I am going to do my best to use it as little as possible for the remainder of the day.  It feels looser than it has in a very long time.  My muscles need some reeducation so they will function more properly.

I submitted my resignation letter to the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus on Tuesday.  I was very happy to do that as well.  I never again will be a part of an organization in which bad behavior is so routinely tolerated as it is within that group.  In my opinion there is ample evidence that some substantial changes need to be made to that organization before it will truly be able to fulfill its stated mission.

It appears that I will be complete with all physical therapy by the end of January.  I am very hopeful this will prove to be true; I believe I simply need to remain committed to my ongoing activities and soon I will not have a calendar filled with health care related appointments.

...

My psychotherapy session went well today too.  I am at a turning point with the personal work I have been doing.  Now, as I begin to refocus my attention on my career, I need to reorient the focus of my work with my therapist to support this simultaneous career discernment process.  I will be meeting with my job coach again next Wednesday (and I hope to continue meeting with her each week for a period of time) and launching forward.

Welcome 2014!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014


Welcome 2014!

I know Minnesotans are supposedly hearty folks when it comes to cold weather but this past night was most impressive for the severity of the cold weather.  There were plenty who were very bundled up for the bitter cold.  And then there were the revelers out to have a good time...even if that meant welcoming a bit of frostbite by wearing mini skirts that barely covered their hips.  I found myself marveling at how some women were still conscious and coherent given how little clothing they had on.  Then again, maybe they were drunk and had no clue what they were doing!  You could see a whole range of 'party gear' among the people in downtown Minneapolis.

Calgon, Take Me Away! I Wash My Hands Of It

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I think the expression "I am washing my hands of it" was made popular due to the Biblical story of Pontius Pilate washing his hands of his role in the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Regardless of the historical veracity of this story (I do not know that I believe in the historical Jesus) the expression is a great one to use as I say goodbye to the year 2013. It will be one forever etched in my memory I do believe.

I am cleaning out the dross of the past to open myself to an amazing new future. And one action I am taking among many is severing my ties with the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus. I have previously never actually named the organization. I feel comfortable doing so now. I met some amazing men in that organization. They know who they are. I also met some individuals so apparently devoid of compassion I wouldn't wish them to cross my path again...nor the paths of anyone I care about. It's sad when "bad apples" spoil the whole bunch. My now former landlord, who is on the Board of Directors of this organization, did not even acknowledge one of the primary issues I had with him (his failure to properly inform me how to care for one of his dogs) when he responded to an email I sent him recently. Apparently he is that dysfunctional that he will not even acknowledge responsibility for his own negligent behavior. It's so incredibly sad.

But it is time for me to move on now. I am free of that situation. As 2014 begins I am going to continue to excise from my life all that does not serve my highest good. I no longer wish to be in the company of narcissists, liars and those devoid of compassion and empathy. This can be a challenging task to pursue given how much pain and suffering there is in the world but I finally feel within myself a strength I have not felt in my life. Now that I am strong enough to do so I will work diligently to strip out all other problems from my life. This doesn't mean there will not be 'problems' to deal with on occasion but I do feel more 'up to the challenge' now that I feel myself awake in a way I never have been before. It still feels a bit weird to awaken from an anxiety disorder I had for decades.

Taking a deep breath in and releasing it I release the past and all that it was. It no longer holds a claim on me. It has brought me to this wondrous moment known as the present. I will move forward with a renewed and deeper faith in my ability to take care of myself.

Happy New Year!