Saturday, December 21, 2013
I am so happy to have reached the Winter Solstice in the condition I now find myself in. My physical health continues to improve; I find it easy and actually fun to awaken to a new day and engage with whatever adventures I will be facing. I am sure one of many changes that have helped me is my vitamin D prescription; I shudder to think of how low my vitamin D level must have been last winter when I first was living in Minnesota. When I first had it screened in July of this past summer my level was below the low end of the normal range.
Today I will enjoy the pleasure of many holiday activities including brunch with a good friend, a gathering of like spirited guys for cookie decorating and assorted fun, a cabaret and then a party at the Eagle in downtown Minneapolis.
...
This evening, while watching the cabaret at AGCMCC (All God's Children Metropolitan Community Church) I found myself feeling a roller coaster of emotions as intense as the roller coaster ride I watched in the movie Polar Express earlier today. I enjoyed the beautiful lights, the great voices, the food and the company. As I sat and watched the show I could feel myself feeling both inspired and very sad, happy and yet still full of grief, hopeful and yet a bit exhausted. I am pushing myself very hard these days; I need to continue to be mindful of my limits.
I was aware of my grief when I reflected on how this is my first Christmas in which I feel myself completely back and fully present in my body. It still doesn't feel all that familiar. And as we are now firmly within the climax of the holiday season it's easy for me to think back to last year and years prior to that and recall how I was not completely in my body at the time. It still feels strange to be awakening to the fact that I had an anxiety disorder for so long.
I have come to realize that the personality I was sharing with the world for so long was a trauma-induced false persona. Yes, I did share a portion of the authentic 'me' with the world at large but it certainly was not the full me. As I peel off this false mask and manifest my true self it feels both exhilarating and terrifying. I cannot recall a time when it was so amazing and surreal to be me.
I am so happy to have reached the Winter Solstice in the condition I now find myself in. My physical health continues to improve; I find it easy and actually fun to awaken to a new day and engage with whatever adventures I will be facing. I am sure one of many changes that have helped me is my vitamin D prescription; I shudder to think of how low my vitamin D level must have been last winter when I first was living in Minnesota. When I first had it screened in July of this past summer my level was below the low end of the normal range.
Today I will enjoy the pleasure of many holiday activities including brunch with a good friend, a gathering of like spirited guys for cookie decorating and assorted fun, a cabaret and then a party at the Eagle in downtown Minneapolis.
...
This evening, while watching the cabaret at AGCMCC (All God's Children Metropolitan Community Church) I found myself feeling a roller coaster of emotions as intense as the roller coaster ride I watched in the movie Polar Express earlier today. I enjoyed the beautiful lights, the great voices, the food and the company. As I sat and watched the show I could feel myself feeling both inspired and very sad, happy and yet still full of grief, hopeful and yet a bit exhausted. I am pushing myself very hard these days; I need to continue to be mindful of my limits.
I was aware of my grief when I reflected on how this is my first Christmas in which I feel myself completely back and fully present in my body. It still doesn't feel all that familiar. And as we are now firmly within the climax of the holiday season it's easy for me to think back to last year and years prior to that and recall how I was not completely in my body at the time. It still feels strange to be awakening to the fact that I had an anxiety disorder for so long.
I have come to realize that the personality I was sharing with the world for so long was a trauma-induced false persona. Yes, I did share a portion of the authentic 'me' with the world at large but it certainly was not the full me. As I peel off this false mask and manifest my true self it feels both exhilarating and terrifying. I cannot recall a time when it was so amazing and surreal to be me.
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