Friday, December 6, 2013

Being Back In the Present

Friday, December 6, 2013

So last night I had my important meeting to address issues I had experienced with a local organization these past six months.  One of my goals in the meeting was to 'set the record straight' by providing more details about what I had experienced these past six months in regards to my health as well as some of the causative factors that had led to the development of my health difficulties.  I finally felt as if I were heard in a very real way; I felt that my own suffering was acknowledged.  Now will come the challenging work of hopefully rectifying the matter such that it is resolved for all concerned.

It's been such a challenging period these last several months.  I sense the end of the most difficult period has now finally come and gone.  Despite all the stress I have endured my health is continuing to improve day by day.  Yet it's clear I need to take life at a manageable pace.  I have been fighting off something like a garden variety cold these last two days.  Listening to the wisdom of my body is always wise...and especially so in winter when ignoring it here in Minnesota can result in frostbite or worse.  It's -3 F outside now.

Being in my body is still such a novel experience.  My primary challenge last night was to remain in my body and not dissociate during a time of immense stress and anxiety.  I could feel myself feeling tempted to float off and away while in the meeting last night.  Yet I remained as present as I possibly could and feel the results were the best that could be expected.  I didn't even experience any moments in which I wept uncontrollably or shook with fear.  I wasn't necessarily expecting this would happen but I simply did not know.  It was simply another experience of not knowing and finding myself faced with the challenge of allowing myself to live and breathe in uncertainty.

It usually happens at least once a day that I find myself wondering when it will no longer feel so unusual to be fully present in my body.  I sometimes find myself getting into a whirl of thoughts and wonderment.  I find myself wanting to know now when my recovery will be complete.  And then I find myself pondering what that would exactly mean.  What would complete recovery look like?  How would it feel?  What would my life look like?  Will being completely in my body feel completely natural again?  These are the questions (among others) that I live with each and every day.

Another "win" from yesterday was my conversation with a local registered nurse about my interest in PTSD recovery and how taking people on outdoor adventure tours might help facilitate people's recovery from health issues such as PTSD.  I scheduled a follow up in-person conversation with him later this month.  Slowly but surely I am moving forward with my new career inquiry.

As I have noted in recent posts I hope to make this blog site more of a forum in coming weeks and months.  If you are in recovery from PTSD or know people who are I welcome you to share your thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams and inspirations.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!