Wednesday, December 18, 2013
I am celebrating today because I finally completed a project I was first awarded the opportunity to pursue some nineteen months ago. In the spring of 2012, shortly after arriving in Washington, D.C., I wrote a proposal to the American Council on Germany for a McCloy Fellowship. I recall feeling fairly pressed for time as I composed it. When I submitted it I felt I had submitted a good proposal but nothing exceptionally amazing. I was thus quite surprised when in May, 2012 I was informed not only that I had been awarded a fellowship but that my proposal was apparently the best among those submitted by American citizens.
I ultimately made my research trip to Germany in May of this year. I arrived back in the United States on June 1st. And then everything from my old life promptly began to fall apart. Within a mere span of approximately three weeks I endured an incredible amount of stress and then found myself in a therapist's office hearing a diagnosis of PTSD being attributed to me. By July 1st I felt as if I was living in a rubble strewn wasteland. My need to focus on restoring my own personal health took priority. I asked for an extension of time to complete my project and was pleased to receive such flexibility.
Nearly six months later I am finally done. The report I was required to submit was not especially lengthy. Ultimately the actual content was approximately twenty pages...much more than the minimum of eight required by the parameters of the fellowship. I found the subject of my research fellowship quite fascinating when I first wrote the proposal. And I still find it of interest now. But I would be lying if I claimed I am still the same person I was back in June. Sometimes events cause you to radically rethink the life you want to create. This has been my experience this year. I want to move in a new direction. And now that I have completed this project and removed it from my "To Do" list I can focus my attention more thoroughly on other issues.
After completing my project this morning and submitting it to the American Council on Germany office in New York I felt a bit dazed. There were moments when I found myself adrift in memories from the nineteen month span of time between the announcement of my fellowship award and my completion of it. An incredible amount of 'stuff' has happened in my life in these past nineteen months. Thankfully I am not beginning to emerge on the other side. I do not recognize the person I have become.
One of my favorite instructors whose teaching skill I have enjoyed at the Blaisdell YMCA has a saying she uses in your yoga class: 'Take the deepest breath you have taken all day.' I heard the sound of her voice in my own thoughts today as I thought of ways to relax and celebrate the completion of my project. It's amazing how well I have done considering the incredible amount of stress I have endured these last few years. That I have recovered as much as I have is a true testament to the power of healing and intention when a person commits wholeheartedly to the healing process. When I began working with my therapist approximately six months ago I did not expect I would feel this good so soon. I sense that my capacity for optimism is beginning to grow markedly now. I feel so relieved.
My anxiety level is also falling because I am now enjoying a much more comfortable home environment. I am enjoying the company of two dogs, a cat and a female roommate who I find easy to get along with. This is such a pleasant change from my circumstances with my past landlord.
Tonight, after leaving my therapist's office, I intend to go home and simply relax. I have earned a break considering how hard I have been pushing myself these last six months.
I am celebrating today because I finally completed a project I was first awarded the opportunity to pursue some nineteen months ago. In the spring of 2012, shortly after arriving in Washington, D.C., I wrote a proposal to the American Council on Germany for a McCloy Fellowship. I recall feeling fairly pressed for time as I composed it. When I submitted it I felt I had submitted a good proposal but nothing exceptionally amazing. I was thus quite surprised when in May, 2012 I was informed not only that I had been awarded a fellowship but that my proposal was apparently the best among those submitted by American citizens.
I ultimately made my research trip to Germany in May of this year. I arrived back in the United States on June 1st. And then everything from my old life promptly began to fall apart. Within a mere span of approximately three weeks I endured an incredible amount of stress and then found myself in a therapist's office hearing a diagnosis of PTSD being attributed to me. By July 1st I felt as if I was living in a rubble strewn wasteland. My need to focus on restoring my own personal health took priority. I asked for an extension of time to complete my project and was pleased to receive such flexibility.
Nearly six months later I am finally done. The report I was required to submit was not especially lengthy. Ultimately the actual content was approximately twenty pages...much more than the minimum of eight required by the parameters of the fellowship. I found the subject of my research fellowship quite fascinating when I first wrote the proposal. And I still find it of interest now. But I would be lying if I claimed I am still the same person I was back in June. Sometimes events cause you to radically rethink the life you want to create. This has been my experience this year. I want to move in a new direction. And now that I have completed this project and removed it from my "To Do" list I can focus my attention more thoroughly on other issues.
After completing my project this morning and submitting it to the American Council on Germany office in New York I felt a bit dazed. There were moments when I found myself adrift in memories from the nineteen month span of time between the announcement of my fellowship award and my completion of it. An incredible amount of 'stuff' has happened in my life in these past nineteen months. Thankfully I am not beginning to emerge on the other side. I do not recognize the person I have become.
One of my favorite instructors whose teaching skill I have enjoyed at the Blaisdell YMCA has a saying she uses in your yoga class: 'Take the deepest breath you have taken all day.' I heard the sound of her voice in my own thoughts today as I thought of ways to relax and celebrate the completion of my project. It's amazing how well I have done considering the incredible amount of stress I have endured these last few years. That I have recovered as much as I have is a true testament to the power of healing and intention when a person commits wholeheartedly to the healing process. When I began working with my therapist approximately six months ago I did not expect I would feel this good so soon. I sense that my capacity for optimism is beginning to grow markedly now. I feel so relieved.
My anxiety level is also falling because I am now enjoying a much more comfortable home environment. I am enjoying the company of two dogs, a cat and a female roommate who I find easy to get along with. This is such a pleasant change from my circumstances with my past landlord.
Tonight, after leaving my therapist's office, I intend to go home and simply relax. I have earned a break considering how hard I have been pushing myself these last six months.
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