Wednesday, February 19, 2014

One of Those Difficult Questions

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Since my unnecessarily stressful 'moving' experience on Monday I have been reflecting on what is the best way forward.  I still feel myself bristling a bit after being accused of threatening violence against someone I considered a friend and whose dogs I cared for over the course of two months.  And as I was saying to my friend Keith yesterday it feels a bit like a repeat of what happened to my father when I was a kid.  So it's only natural that I should feel challenged to not feel triggered by the events of Monday.

Yesterday I found myself contemplating the possibility of suing over the illegal eviction that took place.  As with any choice there are pros and cons to making such a choice.  But before I go any further towards actively imagining doing such a thing I plan to first consult with some people whose wisdom I believe could prove valuable.  One person I plan to speak with is Fr. John Bauer of the Basilica of St. Mary here in Minneapolis.  I first consulted with him last month to seek out the wisdom the Catholic Church can potentially offer in regards to issues I have long had with my paternal family of origin.  I hope he will make himself available to speak with me.  Anyone who lives here in the Twin Cities area and follows the news closely has likely heard that the local diocese has been in the news due to the unfortunate longstanding issue of clergy abuse.  The Catholic Church has plenty of its own PTSD to deal with.

I also thought of another person to consult with.  While living in Santa Cruz, California I took some classes in Aikido.  Linda Holiday is one of the foremost teachers of the Aikido of Santa Cruz dojo.  Many years ago she apprenticed in the art in Japan.  I first tried out Aikido because I was interested to take up a martial art that would not only allow me to express myself but also give me training to help me in the event I ever needed to defend myself.  I haven't taken any classes in two years now but some of the wisdom of this art remains with me even now.

I found Aikido especially appealing because the art focuses on teaching an individual skills that can help you to restore harmony both within yourself as well as in your relationship with the world at large. When another person or party directs aggression at you it is possible to respond in any number of ways.  My question, given what has unfolded in my life since my conscious healing process from PTSD began, is how can I respond when there seems to be a consistent pattern in which I keep meeting, befriending and allowing people into my life whom I later discover have serious issues.  Indeed, it's a consistent pattern that seems unbreakable despite my best efforts to break it.

I have thought of Aikido because I have wondered if the best way to deal with this pattern of continually bringing dysfunctional people into my life (despite thinking I have made a healthy choice in who I let in) is to do the equivalent of what a student of Aikido would do to respond when an 'aggressor'/'attacker' attempts to attack him on a street.  Rather than resist an attacker's energy it can be healthier to redirect the energy back at the person giving it.  But how does a person do that in a situation like what I recently found myself in with my now-former housemate?

Michelle made a false claim against me in front of law enforcement officers.  I think it only fair there be some sort of justice for her false witness.  How could I use the teachings of Aikido in this particular scenario?  Is there a way to do so?  I believe there is but I am a bit confused as to how to apply them.  I called the dojo in Santa Cruz, California and left a message for Linda Holiday in which I asked to speak with her about this issue.

There are moments when I have some very unhelpful thoughts that go through my mind.  Some of them reflect what I would say the 'shadow parent' would say, namely things like "You're how old and you're still having these kinds of problems?"  Such thoughts are not informed by a voice of compassion and kindness though.  It's an ongoing practice for me to learn to be gentle with myself.

In other news I found myself breathing something of a sigh of relief last night in response to the significantly milder weather.  For the first time in months I could walk around in the evening after sunset with my jacket unzipped, my scarf tucked away and my hands exposed to the air.  It was so nice to see people around me enjoying this reprieve from winter.  I felt as if my own body could expand a bit; there was no need to hunker down within my own skin to protect myself from biting winds.

We're supposedly going to have a snowstorm tomorrow.  In addition, some of the longer term weather models are hinting at a cold air outbreak next week that, though less severe than those of January, would be most impressive for the end of February.  I'm hoping it does not come to pass.  This has been one memorable winter...and for more than one reason.  I almost feel like I should make a t-shirt: "I survived the Minnesota winter of 2013-2014".

No comments:

Post a Comment

I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!