Sunday, February 9, 2014
Yesterday evening I found myself feeling unexpectedly overwhelmed by a sadness borne of the grief I have carried due to feeling not completely seen and heard throughout so much of my childhood. Yes, I have spoken of this grief before and yes I am attending to it in the best way I possibly can but there are nonetheless moments, sometimes expected and sometimes unexpected, in which I feel myself virtually drowning in sadness. I haven't been depressed in six months now...and I expect I won't find myself in the state I was in last summer again. I have made amazing progress.
As I prepared to leave the Basilica of St. Mary late yesterday afternoon I paused to make a silent prayer in the church. It's not altogether unusual for me to be prayerful but it is a bit weird for me to be allowing the Catholic Church to influence my life again. I have no intention of becoming a practicing Catholic again at any point but I suppose I am more open hearted compared to a few years ago.
I made my prayer at an alcove. I simply asked for some guidance and assistance in dealing with my sadness. I noticed one wall had the names and years of life of several people. I assume they made some significant contribution to the church and were thus memorialized in this way. I noticed one person was born the same year I was. And he died in 1991. I graduated from high school in 1991. A short time later as I was riding the bus I thought of this person who died at that tender age when boys technically become men...or at least old enough to go off to college. He never experienced adulthood. I have. And despite the pain and disappointment I have experienced I have still enjoyed a very full life. I simply need to work through what remains of my grief and disappointment so I can start to build something new.
I feel better today. It's vital for me to take a break on occasion and not be "on" virtually all the time. Healing is a process but it's also healthy to do things completely unfocused on my healing so that I don't make my whole life be about my healing.
I have an interview tomorrow for a possible contract position with the Allina system here in Minneapolis. I am looking forward to the possibilities that might open to me.
Yesterday evening I found myself feeling unexpectedly overwhelmed by a sadness borne of the grief I have carried due to feeling not completely seen and heard throughout so much of my childhood. Yes, I have spoken of this grief before and yes I am attending to it in the best way I possibly can but there are nonetheless moments, sometimes expected and sometimes unexpected, in which I feel myself virtually drowning in sadness. I haven't been depressed in six months now...and I expect I won't find myself in the state I was in last summer again. I have made amazing progress.
As I prepared to leave the Basilica of St. Mary late yesterday afternoon I paused to make a silent prayer in the church. It's not altogether unusual for me to be prayerful but it is a bit weird for me to be allowing the Catholic Church to influence my life again. I have no intention of becoming a practicing Catholic again at any point but I suppose I am more open hearted compared to a few years ago.
I made my prayer at an alcove. I simply asked for some guidance and assistance in dealing with my sadness. I noticed one wall had the names and years of life of several people. I assume they made some significant contribution to the church and were thus memorialized in this way. I noticed one person was born the same year I was. And he died in 1991. I graduated from high school in 1991. A short time later as I was riding the bus I thought of this person who died at that tender age when boys technically become men...or at least old enough to go off to college. He never experienced adulthood. I have. And despite the pain and disappointment I have experienced I have still enjoyed a very full life. I simply need to work through what remains of my grief and disappointment so I can start to build something new.
I feel better today. It's vital for me to take a break on occasion and not be "on" virtually all the time. Healing is a process but it's also healthy to do things completely unfocused on my healing so that I don't make my whole life be about my healing.
I have an interview tomorrow for a possible contract position with the Allina system here in Minneapolis. I am looking forward to the possibilities that might open to me.
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