Saturday, November 2, 2013
We are now entering the time of year when it is wise to take a Vitamin D supplement. As the length of day continues to shrink towards the time of greatest darkness on the Winter Solstice it becomes imperative to take especially mindful care of yourself. The nights are growing quite cold now; we've already had the first killing freeze of the season. Unlike last winter I plan to take Vitamin D throughout the winter. That should make for some greater ease in weathering the cold, dark time of the year. This last week I heard about another important vitamin. This is Vitamin F...where F stands for fun.
I need fun to become a standard part of my vocabulary. I worked very hard during graduate school in the hope of beginning a new career. I recently gave up on ever pursuing the direction I was attempting to move in; I had the consistent experience of knocking on doors of opportunity that would not open. One great post-graduate opportunity did come to me, however. That was my trip to Germany I completed in May of this year. I am still working to complete the related fellowship which was awarded to me by the American Council on Germany. The trip itself was a very fun experience!
Some time ago in this blog I wrote an entry with the title 'Parents of Murdered Children'. I have been thinking about this entry lately because the words are a metaphor for what I feel nearly happened to me. That period of my childhood which coincided with my father's second marriage began quietly enough. It ended in a most explosive way with my father nearly murdered. Though I did not die I believe my own death would have been necessary to awaken my father's siblings to just how dysfunctional he was at the time. I indeed count myself lucky to be alive today.
One of my hobbies is astrology. An amazing book I discovered years ago is Saturn in Transit by Erin Sullivan. Sullivan adeptly weaves mythology throughout the text as she delineates themes common to people's lives in seven Earth year increments (which corresponds to the time it takes Saturn to move one quarter through a single revolution of its own about the Sun) starting at birth. For those who experience misfortune in childhood she says the following may occur during the period of life between 37 and 44 years of age:
"There are many ways one can 'lose' one's childhood or adolescence. An abused child (whether than is sexually, emotionally, or physically) is never a child; a child or teenager who has to care for an ill or alcoholic parent never experiences childhood; a teenager who becomes a mother or responsible father loses her or his adolescence. There are many examples of people who need to recapture a period in their life which was truncated or never lived at all."
I recognize that I am one of those people. I had a truncated childhood. I was present to my mother's schizophrenic breakdown during the earliest years of my life. And even though I obviously had no real skills to take care of her during my earliest years the mere fact that I was present to her was enough in itself to represent a form of care. Indeed, sometimes the most powerful gift we can give to another person is the 'mere' gift of being generous with our time by sitting with that person in a time of deep need. And this is essentially what I did day after day, week after week, for several years.
Despite the pain I experienced by being present to such pain around me I do not resent my mother now. I know with the mind of an adult that she developed a serious illness and could not help herself. And I do not resent my father either. I do, however, find it difficult to speak with him because of his own inability to be present to some of the darkest of human experience such as when one is consumed in grief.
It's no wonder I struggled to develop the healthy habit of play that typifies healthy development in a child. It's always been fairly easy for me to lean towards workaholism because I was exposed to demanding circumstances early on in my life. But now I want to break that pattern. I must break the pattern for my own sake. I need a daily infusion of Vitamin Fun.
I have been in therapy long enough now that I can clearly see the core issues I am wrangling with. That is a blessing and represents the completion of the important initial step any person must make when entering (or reentering) therapy. I need to find resources to help me address the issue of that grief stricken boy I was who never was given sufficient resources to help me address my grief at the time. Decades later I am now doing that work. And I find it grueling. But I am doing it. I am doing it one day at a time.
Enjoy your day! Breathe well and deeply! Cheers.
We are now entering the time of year when it is wise to take a Vitamin D supplement. As the length of day continues to shrink towards the time of greatest darkness on the Winter Solstice it becomes imperative to take especially mindful care of yourself. The nights are growing quite cold now; we've already had the first killing freeze of the season. Unlike last winter I plan to take Vitamin D throughout the winter. That should make for some greater ease in weathering the cold, dark time of the year. This last week I heard about another important vitamin. This is Vitamin F...where F stands for fun.
I need fun to become a standard part of my vocabulary. I worked very hard during graduate school in the hope of beginning a new career. I recently gave up on ever pursuing the direction I was attempting to move in; I had the consistent experience of knocking on doors of opportunity that would not open. One great post-graduate opportunity did come to me, however. That was my trip to Germany I completed in May of this year. I am still working to complete the related fellowship which was awarded to me by the American Council on Germany. The trip itself was a very fun experience!
Some time ago in this blog I wrote an entry with the title 'Parents of Murdered Children'. I have been thinking about this entry lately because the words are a metaphor for what I feel nearly happened to me. That period of my childhood which coincided with my father's second marriage began quietly enough. It ended in a most explosive way with my father nearly murdered. Though I did not die I believe my own death would have been necessary to awaken my father's siblings to just how dysfunctional he was at the time. I indeed count myself lucky to be alive today.
One of my hobbies is astrology. An amazing book I discovered years ago is Saturn in Transit by Erin Sullivan. Sullivan adeptly weaves mythology throughout the text as she delineates themes common to people's lives in seven Earth year increments (which corresponds to the time it takes Saturn to move one quarter through a single revolution of its own about the Sun) starting at birth. For those who experience misfortune in childhood she says the following may occur during the period of life between 37 and 44 years of age:
"There are many ways one can 'lose' one's childhood or adolescence. An abused child (whether than is sexually, emotionally, or physically) is never a child; a child or teenager who has to care for an ill or alcoholic parent never experiences childhood; a teenager who becomes a mother or responsible father loses her or his adolescence. There are many examples of people who need to recapture a period in their life which was truncated or never lived at all."
I recognize that I am one of those people. I had a truncated childhood. I was present to my mother's schizophrenic breakdown during the earliest years of my life. And even though I obviously had no real skills to take care of her during my earliest years the mere fact that I was present to her was enough in itself to represent a form of care. Indeed, sometimes the most powerful gift we can give to another person is the 'mere' gift of being generous with our time by sitting with that person in a time of deep need. And this is essentially what I did day after day, week after week, for several years.
Despite the pain I experienced by being present to such pain around me I do not resent my mother now. I know with the mind of an adult that she developed a serious illness and could not help herself. And I do not resent my father either. I do, however, find it difficult to speak with him because of his own inability to be present to some of the darkest of human experience such as when one is consumed in grief.
It's no wonder I struggled to develop the healthy habit of play that typifies healthy development in a child. It's always been fairly easy for me to lean towards workaholism because I was exposed to demanding circumstances early on in my life. But now I want to break that pattern. I must break the pattern for my own sake. I need a daily infusion of Vitamin Fun.
I have been in therapy long enough now that I can clearly see the core issues I am wrangling with. That is a blessing and represents the completion of the important initial step any person must make when entering (or reentering) therapy. I need to find resources to help me address the issue of that grief stricken boy I was who never was given sufficient resources to help me address my grief at the time. Decades later I am now doing that work. And I find it grueling. But I am doing it. I am doing it one day at a time.
Enjoy your day! Breathe well and deeply! Cheers.
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!