Saturday, November 9, 2013
The time has come for me to reveal more about myself. It will become clear why I am doing so now and what connection I can draw with PTSD later in this post.
Four months of work with my therapist has led me to a deep amount of clarity regarding what my focus now needs to be. It has become clear to me that my primary therapeutic goal now needs to be finding a way to achieve some degree of healthy resolution of the grief I have carried for a very long while regarding the loss of my mother to schizophrenia.
My father and mother met in Germany in 1970. They later married in Borken, Germany. Borken is a small town (you could almost correctly call it a village) in the province of Nordrhein Westfalen; my mother grew up there. This province makes up a large portion of northwest Germany. After marrying in Germany my parents settled in Texas. My mother's illness ultimately led to my parents' divorce. My mother eventually returned to Germany where she has lived throughout the remainder of her adult life. She now has a degree of dementia as well. I do not know what is a realistic life expectancy for someone with treated schizophrenia. Though my mother's mental health has deteriorated somewhat she remains physically strong enough to pursue simple activities like walking outside in her local community.
When a person loses the active and supportive presence of a parent it can prove to be a devastating blow. I know that is how I felt. And yet I could not fully express the sadness and grief I felt partly because I was so young that I had not yet developed a significant grasp of any language to do so and partly because I did not grow up in a family that has much skill in handling deep loss or trauma in a very healthy way. And so I carried around this unexpressed grief for many years that eventually became decades.
I think it's important when pondering the impact of significant loss in our lives that we consider not just the loss we can easily describe but also the greater potentialities that will never be due to the sudden detour our lives often take when loss touches us (whether the loss was sudden and unexpected or expected but nonetheless still painful). Our parents often serve as our earliest and most influential examples of how to develop a relationship with ourselves and the world at large. When parental modeling is inconsistent, absent or abusive it can prove very painful and undermine our sense of being able to live in the world in a healthy, productive way.
One way a person can experience a loss is through losing the important connection with his culture of origin. Though my mother separated from my father very early in my own life I nonetheless was fortunate to have the opportunity to learn my mother's language (German) in high school. I also later completed some courses during my studies for my undergraduate degree. Yet as any person who has traveled extensively can attest it is one thing to study a language outside of its corresponding culture and another thing entirely to experience the immersion of living within a culture and using its language in an intensive way. I have enjoyed a number of opportunities to visit with my mother's family in Germany. I am very grateful I was able to enjoy such opportunities. Yet despite learning the German language and developing a virtually fluent capacity I nonetheless felt disconnected from the culture itself. It is this disconnect and my desire to reclaim my cultural heritage that serves as my focus today.
One aspect of German culture that has long fascinated me is the leather community. I have been part of many communities while living on the West Coast for a number of years. Yet throughout that time I never allowed myself to explore my fascination with leather in a deep way. I would like to learn more about the cultural history of leather with a specific focus on its presence in Germany.
In the spirit of exploring the leather community or scene I am applying to be a contestant in the Mister Minneapolis Eagle 2014 competition. The contest takes place next weekend. This is but one way I am honoring a part of myself I have long not allowed myself ample space and time to explore. I am finally honoring my full self. And in the process of doing so I find more grief within that needs release.
There are no dull moments lately.
The time has come for me to reveal more about myself. It will become clear why I am doing so now and what connection I can draw with PTSD later in this post.
Four months of work with my therapist has led me to a deep amount of clarity regarding what my focus now needs to be. It has become clear to me that my primary therapeutic goal now needs to be finding a way to achieve some degree of healthy resolution of the grief I have carried for a very long while regarding the loss of my mother to schizophrenia.
My father and mother met in Germany in 1970. They later married in Borken, Germany. Borken is a small town (you could almost correctly call it a village) in the province of Nordrhein Westfalen; my mother grew up there. This province makes up a large portion of northwest Germany. After marrying in Germany my parents settled in Texas. My mother's illness ultimately led to my parents' divorce. My mother eventually returned to Germany where she has lived throughout the remainder of her adult life. She now has a degree of dementia as well. I do not know what is a realistic life expectancy for someone with treated schizophrenia. Though my mother's mental health has deteriorated somewhat she remains physically strong enough to pursue simple activities like walking outside in her local community.
When a person loses the active and supportive presence of a parent it can prove to be a devastating blow. I know that is how I felt. And yet I could not fully express the sadness and grief I felt partly because I was so young that I had not yet developed a significant grasp of any language to do so and partly because I did not grow up in a family that has much skill in handling deep loss or trauma in a very healthy way. And so I carried around this unexpressed grief for many years that eventually became decades.
I think it's important when pondering the impact of significant loss in our lives that we consider not just the loss we can easily describe but also the greater potentialities that will never be due to the sudden detour our lives often take when loss touches us (whether the loss was sudden and unexpected or expected but nonetheless still painful). Our parents often serve as our earliest and most influential examples of how to develop a relationship with ourselves and the world at large. When parental modeling is inconsistent, absent or abusive it can prove very painful and undermine our sense of being able to live in the world in a healthy, productive way.
One way a person can experience a loss is through losing the important connection with his culture of origin. Though my mother separated from my father very early in my own life I nonetheless was fortunate to have the opportunity to learn my mother's language (German) in high school. I also later completed some courses during my studies for my undergraduate degree. Yet as any person who has traveled extensively can attest it is one thing to study a language outside of its corresponding culture and another thing entirely to experience the immersion of living within a culture and using its language in an intensive way. I have enjoyed a number of opportunities to visit with my mother's family in Germany. I am very grateful I was able to enjoy such opportunities. Yet despite learning the German language and developing a virtually fluent capacity I nonetheless felt disconnected from the culture itself. It is this disconnect and my desire to reclaim my cultural heritage that serves as my focus today.
One aspect of German culture that has long fascinated me is the leather community. I have been part of many communities while living on the West Coast for a number of years. Yet throughout that time I never allowed myself to explore my fascination with leather in a deep way. I would like to learn more about the cultural history of leather with a specific focus on its presence in Germany.
In the spirit of exploring the leather community or scene I am applying to be a contestant in the Mister Minneapolis Eagle 2014 competition. The contest takes place next weekend. This is but one way I am honoring a part of myself I have long not allowed myself ample space and time to explore. I am finally honoring my full self. And in the process of doing so I find more grief within that needs release.
There are no dull moments lately.
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