Monday, November 18, 2013


Monday, November 18, 2013

It is clear to me now why I felt so overwhelmed this past summer.  I was confronted with my still unresolved issues from childhood and also health issues in that recent present time that I was not expecting to be faced with.  It was a layer cake of trauma...there was so much to deal with and I felt as if it appeared in such rapid fire succession that I simply could not adapt well to what was happening.  But then, gradually, I found my way out of the morass; eventually I could see the light at the end of the so called tunnel.  The winter solstice is now a mere five weeks away.  At that time darkness will be at its greatest strength.  Then the light will begin to return.

I am beginning to return to me.  That may sound strange.  The exiled pieces of me are beginning to return home to the contours of my body and to the expansive realm of my mind.  And as the pieces of me that were so long dormant begin to reawaken I feel myself becoming the man I have always wanted to be.  I am immersed in the darkness of not knowing where I shall ultimately go in my life.  And yet I feel so alive now in this present time that the liveliness within me feels like it's fed in part by the emergence of so many beautiful points of light in the vault of the sky above the dark landscape I first found so desolate.  It's as if I am sitting on a dark plain and suddenly I can see the sky above...and the sky is no longer so empty.  And these stars, these points of light, symbolize the many beautiful people in my life.  For I see that I am very truly blessed.  Where once I felt myself encircled in an unremitting darkness I now find myself impinged upon by light coming to me from all sides.  There truly is beauty everywhere.

I met with my therapist today.  We did a reassessment to determine how I am doing.  It was encouraging to learn that I no longer score as clinically depressed according to a depression inventory screening he gave to me again.  But I do still register as having PTSD.  Yet the good news is that the symptoms are much improved compared to this past summer.  I am thus moving in a good direction!

Yesterday I wrote about the idea of irreversibility.  I feel I have stepped through a door that I cannot move through from the other side.  My interior life is now something a bit unfamiliar to me; I have never felt so present in my body before.  Each and every day brings a new adventure!

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!