Sunday, November 17, 2013
I had an amazing time last night as a contestant in the Mister Minneapolis Eagle contest. I didn't win the title but I do feel the four of us who competed all emerged as winners of something perhaps more difficult to define. I feel like I am a more authentic man now. It isn't exactly a daily occurrence that you can wake up and find yourself able to truthfully proclaim that.
Going into the contest I felt some fear that my decision to compete might actually exacerbate my PTSD rather than help me continue moving in the direction of deeper healing. I realize that fear can be healthy in certain situations and we are wise to always at least acknowledge those moments of intuition, excitement, fear, exhilaration and so on that often serve as some of the most useful signposts we encounter on our unique life journeys. There are healthy fears as well as unhealthy fears. I made the healthy choice of consulting with my therapist before performing last night and dressing in the way that I did.
Rather than cause me harm my contest experience further grounded me in my sense of self. I realize how deeply I enjoy the leather community or 'scene' and how much I wish to explore it more. And my motivation to explore is based in part on my fascination with the cultural connection between the leather community and German culture. I know relatively little about this connection but would enjoy the opportunity to learn more. I am motivated to learn in part by my desire to honor my own ancestral heritage. My fascination with heritage dates back to my studies at Naropa University when there existed a satellite campus in Oakland, California.
Last night symbolizes an event with irreversible consequences for my life. I cannot even now name what all those consequences are. I will leave that to the journey of self discovery that brings us new material each and every day to mold into a never ending new variation of self-awareness. I have made a decision to close the door on one aspect of my life that had previously served me but now no longer does. I decided to resign from a local chorus whose organizational politics I find more than a bit odious. I have not found the compassion and integrity within that organization I was hoping to find. And I did not feel my expectations were unreasonable. But expectations are themselves a tricky animal.
Singing in gay choruses appealed to me for many reasons. One appeal was the deep need I had to find a means to not only have fun but also deepen my personal capacity to express myself in a grounded and mature way. It seems that I have done the work I needed to do and could expect to do within that particular context. I also loved my 'chorus life' because it gave me a place to play and enjoy the creativity, campiness and enthusiasm of other gay men. But I can find that in other outlets.
When I woke up this morning I felt so profoundly different. I also realize it's important for me to put the past behind me in the best way possible. I will continue to do work with my therapist and explore how I can honor all my relations, all my ancestry and all my gifts in the most holistic way possible. That is my great desire now. This shall now be my overriding focus.
I have a motto I coined once I got knee deep into therapy. And that motto is this: "Feed the boy". I gave my boy a giant helping of life energy last night. Though the events of the evening are now a blur the general memory of exhilaration will stay with me a lifetime. And that by itself made competing for Mr. Minneapolis Eagle an amazing and unforgettable experience!
I had an amazing time last night as a contestant in the Mister Minneapolis Eagle contest. I didn't win the title but I do feel the four of us who competed all emerged as winners of something perhaps more difficult to define. I feel like I am a more authentic man now. It isn't exactly a daily occurrence that you can wake up and find yourself able to truthfully proclaim that.
Going into the contest I felt some fear that my decision to compete might actually exacerbate my PTSD rather than help me continue moving in the direction of deeper healing. I realize that fear can be healthy in certain situations and we are wise to always at least acknowledge those moments of intuition, excitement, fear, exhilaration and so on that often serve as some of the most useful signposts we encounter on our unique life journeys. There are healthy fears as well as unhealthy fears. I made the healthy choice of consulting with my therapist before performing last night and dressing in the way that I did.
Rather than cause me harm my contest experience further grounded me in my sense of self. I realize how deeply I enjoy the leather community or 'scene' and how much I wish to explore it more. And my motivation to explore is based in part on my fascination with the cultural connection between the leather community and German culture. I know relatively little about this connection but would enjoy the opportunity to learn more. I am motivated to learn in part by my desire to honor my own ancestral heritage. My fascination with heritage dates back to my studies at Naropa University when there existed a satellite campus in Oakland, California.
Last night symbolizes an event with irreversible consequences for my life. I cannot even now name what all those consequences are. I will leave that to the journey of self discovery that brings us new material each and every day to mold into a never ending new variation of self-awareness. I have made a decision to close the door on one aspect of my life that had previously served me but now no longer does. I decided to resign from a local chorus whose organizational politics I find more than a bit odious. I have not found the compassion and integrity within that organization I was hoping to find. And I did not feel my expectations were unreasonable. But expectations are themselves a tricky animal.
Singing in gay choruses appealed to me for many reasons. One appeal was the deep need I had to find a means to not only have fun but also deepen my personal capacity to express myself in a grounded and mature way. It seems that I have done the work I needed to do and could expect to do within that particular context. I also loved my 'chorus life' because it gave me a place to play and enjoy the creativity, campiness and enthusiasm of other gay men. But I can find that in other outlets.
When I woke up this morning I felt so profoundly different. I also realize it's important for me to put the past behind me in the best way possible. I will continue to do work with my therapist and explore how I can honor all my relations, all my ancestry and all my gifts in the most holistic way possible. That is my great desire now. This shall now be my overriding focus.
I have a motto I coined once I got knee deep into therapy. And that motto is this: "Feed the boy". I gave my boy a giant helping of life energy last night. Though the events of the evening are now a blur the general memory of exhilaration will stay with me a lifetime. And that by itself made competing for Mr. Minneapolis Eagle an amazing and unforgettable experience!
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!