Thursday, November 7, 2013
The momentum of my personal healing journey is building as I continue to focus on meeting my basic needs while working on my deeper issue of grief. I am hoping that I will get referred to a good grief support group in the coming weeks.
One of the most profound aspects of my current experience is the simple daily moments in which I really see the world around me in all its manifold color and glory. The texture and color of the world is so much more vivid than I recall it ever being. And certainly it's not because the world itself has changed. Instead, my own capacity to perceive is changing as I continue to work with my therapist.
I am continuing to develop my self-care skills such that I have a more fine tuned sense of when I am inside a stress inducing situation. We all function with some degree of stress every day. And stress and anxiety can actually be positive as they can motivate us to achieve amazing things. It's when the stress dial is turned up too high that it becomes debilitating rather than motivating. The day treatment program I have been participating in since last Monday has helped me to refine my skills in coping and self-awareness. I found ample opportunity to use them yesterday.
Whenever a 'new' person enters the group the therapist who works with us in the morning group session describes the progression of activities typical for each day. She also describes some boundaries regarding how participants are expected to interact with one another outside of the program itself. This is done in part to minimize the risk of 'trauma bonding'.
Yesterday there was a 'new' person who began recounting some details of her life experience. Upon hearing the word suicide I decided it was time for me to take a break. I walked outside and enjoyed the sunlight for a short while. The brisk, fresh air felt good to inhale. I'm going to continue to hone my stress-meter and do my best to heighten my skills of listening to my body and my mind.
Looking back more deeply over my life history it is no wonder that I would have been a walking case of PTSD. I was essentially expected to carry an enormous amount of stress around during my earliest years of life. No child should be expected to bear such a burden and emerge from such difficulty completely unscathed. It's simply not a realistic expectation.
Each day I continue to wake up feeling stronger, more present and more optimistic about my future. I am excited!