Saturday, November 2, 2013

An Invitation...Opening the Door to More

Saturday November 2, 2013

I have noticed a sudden surge in my viewership today.  I promote my blog quite frequently as I would like to believe it might prove a source of consolation and encouragement to those who are perhaps struggling through their own journey of recovery from PTSD.

When I first began this blog I felt so raw and sad.  It was the very first days after I had received the diagnosis of PTSD when I decided to begin writing.  I had my doubts that I would find the discipline within myself to write on a regular basis.  But I decided to do my best to live in the present moment and just write each day I woke up.  Now it's four months later and I continue writing each and every day.  Some days I feel quite inspired and some days I do not.  Some days I wake up with absolutely no idea what I will write about.  And then the day begins and events lead me to ponder certain topics I feel are relevant to the issue of PTSD.  And then there are other days in which I have an idea set in my mind and writing is as simple as sitting down at the computer and letting the thoughts flow from my heart and mind to the screen.

Today I noticed a very unexpected spike in the viewership of my blog.  I don't know the cause of it.  But I am excited by the idea that so many people might genuinely find my writings of interest.  I took the compliments of a few friends to heart earlier this year.  That was also a source of inspiration to write.

One of the pitfalls of being a writer (as opposed to a community actor or stage musician) is the isolation that you may experience.  It's wonderful to think people are actually seeing the creations of my heart and mind as made manifest in these daily entries.  And yet I have had no interaction with them; this has been purely a monologue.  And some days it has felt as if I am a voice crying out in the wilderness.  Many of us can struggle with such feelings at different points in our lives.  Will my life have mattered?  How will people remember me when I am gone?  Will I have left behind anything that could be considered a worthy legacy?

This summer brought me down to my knees.  It fundamentally changed who I am and how I see myself using the remainder of my life.  I wish not to waste time on trifles and petty matters.  Life is for living.  The sun and moon and stars all invite us into their majestic tapestry on display each and every day and night.

So I welcome you to share your own thoughts with me.  Know that you are not alone.

The following is a status update I posted on my Facebook page this evening:

I found some amazing wisdom today amongst the clutter on my desk. I've been taking so many different classes and pursuing so many activities as I move forward on the journey to reinvent myself that it's time I clean up some of the blizzard of paper cluttering my space. The following words spoke so deeply to me. I share them here so you see how they are striking me to the core of my heart:

Disappointment and loss are a part of every life. Many times we can put such things behind us and get on with the rest of our lives. But not everything is amenable to this approach. Some things are too big or too deep to do this, and we will have to leave important parts of ourselves behind if we treat them in this way. These are the places where wisdom begins to grow in us. It begins with suffering that we do not avoid or rationalize or put behind us. It starts with the realization that our loss, whatever it is, has become a part of us and has altered our lives so profoundly that we cannot go back to the way it was before.

(This is what happened to me when I was diagnosed with PTSD this summer. I was changed so profoundly that I cannot be the man I was before. And now I seek to become the man I have always wanted to and forevermore.)

Something in us can transform such suffering into wisdom. The process of turning pain into wisdom often looks like a sorting process. First we experience everything. Then one by one we let things go, the anger, the blame, the sense of injustice, and finally even the pain itself, until all we have left is a deeper sense of the value of life and a greater capacity to live in it.

These last words describe what has been happening in my life these last four months. I find myself appreciating so many things that I only dimly valued before. It's an awakening of sorts....made possible in part by a diagnosis that, though I have no terminal illness and thus would seem virtually guaranteed to live a joyful life IF ONLY I MAKE WISE CHOICES, has led me to fundamentally alter my perception and my intention regarding how I will live out and enjoy all the remaining days of my life.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!