Lengthening Shadows

Monday, November 11, 2013

Despite the bright sunshine we had this afternoon it is very clear that winter is fast approaching.  A cold wind blowing in from Canada is sending temperatures tumbling; it will likely be about 10F tomorrow morning.  I went for a brief walk this morning made all the more brief by the chilly wind.  It is interesting how the wind blowing through trees sounds so different when all the leaves are dried up, brittle and dead.  The sound is something akin to the sound of sleet bouncing off car hoods.  The sounds of nature going into hibernation are all around us now.  I heard them again when I went for a walk this afternoon.  There will soon be a scarcity of green hues outside.  Only evergreen trees will be showing off their splendor when Christmas arrives.

Put in a more morbid way the time of death is here.  Darkness recedes late and comes early.  Soon the ponds and lakes will be freezing.  At moments when I feel discouraged I remind myself that a day will come again when the outer world will be filled with life and green.  Until then it is the time of looking within and allowing for the darkness to teach us its own wisdom.  And there is most definitely much to learn.

I just met with my therapist this morning.  At my request we did another EMDR session.  We focused specifically on my feeling that I am too sensitive to the needs of other people and not sensitive enough to my own needs.  This proclivity is rooted in my own childhood experience in which I was expected to live in the midst of significant illness and not feel overwhelmed or sickened by it.

My predominant feeling today is one of confusion.  I am confused by aspects of my past and also confused by what I might experience or be able to create in the future.  My confusion is also due to my current circumstances regarding my career.  Despite my ongoing efforts to secure a job I continue to not receive invitations back for a second interview or a job offer.  I interviewed with REI last week and felt confident I would be seriously considered for the position I applied for.  Yet again I was wrong.  There are moments when I feel very stuck.  Then there are other moments when I feel very confused or even lost.  I cannot know when this phase of my life will end. 

Living in this immense uncertainty can take a toll when it drags on for a long period of time.  Such has been my personal reality for some time now.  This has also been the reality across the United States for years.  There is so much uncertainty.  The only thing I am certain about is that my future cannot look anything like my past.  I need to undergo a personal transformation similar to what you experience in adolescence.  Thankfully I have begun to create a support network.  Yet the process still feels quite grueling on many days.

I have long passed the point where I can easily turn back and forego doing more deep inner work for my own future.  And yet the path forward now feels very surrounded by a darkness which symbolizes my own uncertainty regarding what will unfold in my immediate future.  As painful as it can be the challenge for me now is to maintain my commitment to moving forward in the midst of this immense uncertainty.