Sunday, November 10, 2013
Yesterday was such a profoundly rich experience for me that I decided to recount it on a Sunday. I hope that one day my writings might prove of some value to the existing (and I assume growing) literature on PTSD.
I began my morning visiting a friend at a local coffee shop that also sells leather gear. Yes, you read that correctly. The concept isn't exactly foreign; similar establishments can also be found in St. Louis and the San Francisco Bay Area. Having lived in San Francisco for a few years I can say I am not surprised by this. San Francisco offers something for everyone. I used an outline of my hand as a focus for coloring with crayons. It was fun! And I was also reminded that carefree play is not something I did very much as a child. I was often consumed with too much anxiety due to circumstances beyond my control. It is clear that I need to add more play to my life.
In the afternoon I made my way to an event focused on the local leather and kink community. I took two buses to reach my destination. As I waited downtown I occasionally struggled a bit to maintain my focus in the present moment. I caught my mind wandering. So I focused almost exclusively on breathing in a conscious and relaxed way. There were moments when I felt aware of an immense sadness I have carried for far too long. I tried to neither exclusively focus too much on the sadness nor avoid it. Just being present to it was enough for the day.
I feel sad partly due to the fact that I am experiencing what I would call reentry. I have been realizing that I have been living partially outside of my body for much of my life. I simply could not tolerate the anxiety I felt on a daily basis for years at a time while I was growing up. So I (unconsciously) developed a coping strategy in which I would not allow myself to fully feel myself inside my body. This is not an uncommon response to trauma. When it becomes simply too painful to be present to your life it can be adaptive to find a way to disassociate. Of course this adaptation eventually becomes problematic when circumstances change and it actually becomes a pleasure to be in the present moment once again.
I suppose the EMDR therapy I have previously done with my therapist is but one reason I am feeling so much different (better) than I once did. It definitely feels as if I am re-patterning my brain such that I will think and act in much healthier ways. I long ago (as I noted in an earlier post called 'Now Entering Uncharted Territory') left the familiar interior landscape behind to venture into a realm of new possibilities. Venturing into this new realm can itself be an anxiety provoking experience. Thankfully I have found a number of ways to attend to my anxiety and manage it. Over time I believe I will continue to feel better and heal. Yet exactly when I will have some magical 'Eureka' moment is unclear to me. I wonder if I will even experience such a moment.
I enhanced many of my self-care skills in the two week day treatment program I recently completed at Abbott Northwestern Hospital. And I can confirm that one particular aspect of improved health is something I am already feeling. As I have exited this unconscious pattern of disassociation I notice that my capacity for both immense sorrow and immense joy has grown. My affect is no longer flattened by the burden of depression or the grief I had carried for so long. Sometimes this change is pleasurable (as in cases when I am experiencing joy) and other times it feels a bit overwhelming (when I walk into the opposite polarity of the darker side and feelings of life). Throughout the whole process it remains a challenge for me to not label what I am feeling as 'wrong', 'bad' or 'unusual'. The process simply is what it is and will unfold as it must.
The holiday season is now fast approaching. This season often brings its own challenges for those with complicated or dysfunctional families in which consistency or stability was a rare treat. I know I have my own ambivalence about the holidays. I can find great joy in them. But I also can feel immense sadness as well. Again I understand this is not unusual.
Re-entering my body is such an amazing journey. My own recovery process is filled with such rich experiences thus far. This is but one reason I feel very drawn to documenting my journey in this blog.
I hope it is giving consolation and encouragement to those who read from it.
I welcome your positive comments!
Yesterday was such a profoundly rich experience for me that I decided to recount it on a Sunday. I hope that one day my writings might prove of some value to the existing (and I assume growing) literature on PTSD.
I began my morning visiting a friend at a local coffee shop that also sells leather gear. Yes, you read that correctly. The concept isn't exactly foreign; similar establishments can also be found in St. Louis and the San Francisco Bay Area. Having lived in San Francisco for a few years I can say I am not surprised by this. San Francisco offers something for everyone. I used an outline of my hand as a focus for coloring with crayons. It was fun! And I was also reminded that carefree play is not something I did very much as a child. I was often consumed with too much anxiety due to circumstances beyond my control. It is clear that I need to add more play to my life.
In the afternoon I made my way to an event focused on the local leather and kink community. I took two buses to reach my destination. As I waited downtown I occasionally struggled a bit to maintain my focus in the present moment. I caught my mind wandering. So I focused almost exclusively on breathing in a conscious and relaxed way. There were moments when I felt aware of an immense sadness I have carried for far too long. I tried to neither exclusively focus too much on the sadness nor avoid it. Just being present to it was enough for the day.
I feel sad partly due to the fact that I am experiencing what I would call reentry. I have been realizing that I have been living partially outside of my body for much of my life. I simply could not tolerate the anxiety I felt on a daily basis for years at a time while I was growing up. So I (unconsciously) developed a coping strategy in which I would not allow myself to fully feel myself inside my body. This is not an uncommon response to trauma. When it becomes simply too painful to be present to your life it can be adaptive to find a way to disassociate. Of course this adaptation eventually becomes problematic when circumstances change and it actually becomes a pleasure to be in the present moment once again.
I suppose the EMDR therapy I have previously done with my therapist is but one reason I am feeling so much different (better) than I once did. It definitely feels as if I am re-patterning my brain such that I will think and act in much healthier ways. I long ago (as I noted in an earlier post called 'Now Entering Uncharted Territory') left the familiar interior landscape behind to venture into a realm of new possibilities. Venturing into this new realm can itself be an anxiety provoking experience. Thankfully I have found a number of ways to attend to my anxiety and manage it. Over time I believe I will continue to feel better and heal. Yet exactly when I will have some magical 'Eureka' moment is unclear to me. I wonder if I will even experience such a moment.
I enhanced many of my self-care skills in the two week day treatment program I recently completed at Abbott Northwestern Hospital. And I can confirm that one particular aspect of improved health is something I am already feeling. As I have exited this unconscious pattern of disassociation I notice that my capacity for both immense sorrow and immense joy has grown. My affect is no longer flattened by the burden of depression or the grief I had carried for so long. Sometimes this change is pleasurable (as in cases when I am experiencing joy) and other times it feels a bit overwhelming (when I walk into the opposite polarity of the darker side and feelings of life). Throughout the whole process it remains a challenge for me to not label what I am feeling as 'wrong', 'bad' or 'unusual'. The process simply is what it is and will unfold as it must.
The holiday season is now fast approaching. This season often brings its own challenges for those with complicated or dysfunctional families in which consistency or stability was a rare treat. I know I have my own ambivalence about the holidays. I can find great joy in them. But I also can feel immense sadness as well. Again I understand this is not unusual.
Re-entering my body is such an amazing journey. My own recovery process is filled with such rich experiences thus far. This is but one reason I feel very drawn to documenting my journey in this blog.
I hope it is giving consolation and encouragement to those who read from it.
I welcome your positive comments!
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!