Wednesday, November 27, 2013

High Anxiety - Awake at 4:30 A.M.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

I woke up unexpectedly early today.  I have not been able to fall back asleep since waking up over an hour ago.  The world beyond my windows is still pitch black; no early rays of sun greet me in late November at this latitude I live in.

I am feeling a lot of anxiety due to the circumstances I find myself in.  And the more I look fairly objectively at the circumstances I have been living in since April of this year the more I feel appalled by what I have been enduring.  I am not overly obsessing and analyzing the situation I have been living in but I nonetheless cannot help but wonder what I was thinking this past spring.  But then again when I think back to that time I realize that I was not aware that I was still walking around in the world with a case of (at that time) untreated PTSD.  The choices I was making and the manner in which I was thinking about my life were taking place within a different frame of reference.  Now that I can see more clearly I can make better choices and strive to create a healthier life.

I have been thinking about one particular issue regarding the current situation with my landlord.  I have been wondering just how safe I was all along during the time I have lived with my landlord in his house.  I specifically have been wondering about one of his dogs who bit me early on in the time I began living there.  I was appalled and annoyed to later discover (inadvertently I might add) that one of his dogs is listed on a list maintained by the City of Minneapolis.  The city apparently keeps a list of dogs that are prone to aggression and occasionally has an animal control officer go out to the homes of their owners to check up on the dogs.  At this point I do not know the full details of what the implications are when a dog is listed on this listing.  I hope to find out a bit more later today when I call the City of Minneapolis Animal Care & Control division.  It will likely prove to be relevant information to have on hand as I deal with my landlord and his decision to evict me at the end of December.  In my opinion it was unethical for my landlord to fail to disclose the fact that one of his dogs is on a list maintained by the city.

I feel heartened by the fact that I can attend a Transitions support group today which I was originally referred to over two weeks ago when I completed the Partial Hospitalization program at Abbott Northwestern Hospital.  I continue to need a lot of love and support.  Such support is making my current circumstances much more tolerable.  I am going to discuss the landlord issue in the group and request input from the facilitator.

In other news I successfully scheduled a consultation appointment with Sister Kenny Psychological Associates.  The less fun news is that the appointment was scheduled for March 20th due to the fact that they are booked out that far in advance.  I might be able to slip into the schedule sooner if someone who lives outside of Minneapolis should cancel their appointment at some point this winter in anticipation of a coming storm.  I am hoping I will not have to wait four months to get seen.  I have felt as if my life has been on hold for far too long.  I scheduled this appointment in the hope of determining whether or not I am experiencing any harmful consequences (now) as a result of the accidents I experienced earlier in my life in which I hit my head.

As I have had to do at other moments in my life (especially recently) I am continuing to do my best to focus on what is positive and functional in my life.  In those moments when I feel really consumed in the darkness and grief resulting from the impacts of my earlier life I simply must redirect my mind to focus on that which is good and wonderful.  And I do truly have much to be thankful for!

Here is one simple truth I can be grateful for: I now experience a minimal amount of pain in my body.  This was not true this past summer.  I am healing.  I am moving forward in my journey towards greater wholeness.

Enjoy your day!

No comments:

Post a Comment

I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!