Wednesday, November 20, 2013
I have yet another full day ahead of me. Though that full plate of issues is finally becoming much more manageable it is still all too easy for me to feel overwhelmed at times. Even the most winter tolerant Minnesotans can find this time of year especially challenging. Darkness and cold are growing. Thankfully I am using my light box I was prescribed earlier this month. Between that, my Vitamin D supplement, my support groups and my ongoing personal therapy I feel I will emerge from the coming winter much better off than I did from the last one.
Today I will be reaching out to manifest more support as I continue to 'upgrade' my life. I will be meeting with a job coach this morning, attend a transitions support group at Abbott Northwestern Hospital late this morning and then attend my men's group tonight. What follows is a reflection I wrote yesterday.
I found the opportunity to compete in Mister Minneapolis Eagle 2014 very appealing for a number of reasons. One reason is that the leather community appeals to my German cultural roots. Just today I received my copy of Leather Folk in the mail. I am looking forward to reading it.
As I made my way through my very busy day today I realized that my active entry into the local community is actually one way I am also doing another type of work that is important to me. I am doing grief work right now related to my family of origin. It is a deep process...certainly not a cakewalk! By showing up this past weekend and presenting my deepest self to the community at large I was taking a decisive stand for myself and what I believe in.
Through the recent work I have been doing I have also come to realize that I am seeking to recapture a developmental phase of my own life that I did not get the chance to live in a healthy way when it actually came around. That phase is adolescence. One of my favorite books on the subject of astrology acknowledges that it is indeed possible to find a way to develop a part of yourself that was truncated during the time that it 'should' have happened. Consider the following taken from Erin Sullivan's book called Saturn in Transit:
(The author is speaking here about the period of life between the ages of 45-52. Though I am five years out from reaching this period myself...it is telling and timely to read it now)
"The initial stage of the Saturn opposition can also give one the courage to shrug off social expectations and pressures. That the period has been called 'the second adolescence' clearly shows that childhood and adolescence can be revisited. People who had extremely difficult childhoods, or had their adolescence cut short in some way, find that they can recapture their lost years. There are many ways one can 'lose' one's childhood or adolescence. An abused child (whether that is sexually, emotionally, or physically) is never a child; a child or teenager who has to care for an ill or alcoholic parent never experiences childhood; a teenager who becomes a mother or responsible father loses her or his adolescence. There are many examples of people who need to recapture a period in their life which was truncated or never lived at all."
The TRUTH of what Sullivan observes is so spot on true to my experience. I feel that there is indeed a whole section of my own life that was truncated early on. I could not be a carefree child because I was either worried about my mother as she suffered her schizophrenic breakdown or worried about my father and his bad choices. It's a little disconcerting when you realize that you are waking up to the fact that you have suffered from an anxiety issue for about three DECADES. And all the past treatment I underwent never seemed to fully help me to heal. But now I am trying different means of addressing my root issues...and I am beginning to see amazing progress.
Do you know what I did yesterday? I ran with the carefree ABANDON that a child runs with when he is so young that his mind has not yet developed so fully that he is perhaps likely to get trapped in his head. IT WAS EXHILARATING. I was able to run and not worry about the condition of my body. It was so lovely to run and feel my lungs pumping, my heart pounding...to feel so amazingly ALIVE.
And today I did just about everything you can do in a gym. I lifted weights, did some physical therapy exercises, swam in the pool, sat in the hot tub, walked and basked in the sauna. My legs felt like slabs of granite after emerging from the pool. But it felt so good to feel so tight, so alive...as if I am finally waking up from the bad dream of PTSD.
I have heard a range of opinion in regards to how open I 'ought' to be regarding my early life experiences, PTSD and so on. And most everything I have heard has come from the lips of people I know genuinely care about me. I am not going to let shame or fear color my judgment and decision making however. I feel very strongly that the obstacles I have faced and overcome are such that nobody should have to go through what I did. And I feel that way knowing full well that there are many, many, MANY people who have it much worse than me...like the people in countries such as the Philippines who have lost everything in one storm, orphans, those injured in war, those losing their nations to climate change, etc. We're all interconnected and I believe we all should offer one another a certain measure of compassion due to the simple reality that we are all human. I want to work with others to create a more just and compassionate world.
I want to thank all the men here in the local leather community who have inspired me. Prominent among them are Ryan Brown, Brent Fourre, Derek Harley, Jason Bribitzer-Stull, Tim Holden and Tommy Rosengren. I really enjoyed meeting the judges Nick J. Zuko, Carol Watson, Thib Guicherd-Callin and InternationalTrainer Don this past weekend and getting to know them a bit. It was so nice to hug Andy Cross and see him smile. And of course I honor my fellow contestants Jason Little, Ivan E Nunez and Tim Hotchkin! Enjoy your MME year Jason!
I have yet another full day ahead of me. Though that full plate of issues is finally becoming much more manageable it is still all too easy for me to feel overwhelmed at times. Even the most winter tolerant Minnesotans can find this time of year especially challenging. Darkness and cold are growing. Thankfully I am using my light box I was prescribed earlier this month. Between that, my Vitamin D supplement, my support groups and my ongoing personal therapy I feel I will emerge from the coming winter much better off than I did from the last one.
Today I will be reaching out to manifest more support as I continue to 'upgrade' my life. I will be meeting with a job coach this morning, attend a transitions support group at Abbott Northwestern Hospital late this morning and then attend my men's group tonight. What follows is a reflection I wrote yesterday.
I found the opportunity to compete in Mister Minneapolis Eagle 2014 very appealing for a number of reasons. One reason is that the leather community appeals to my German cultural roots. Just today I received my copy of Leather Folk in the mail. I am looking forward to reading it.
As I made my way through my very busy day today I realized that my active entry into the local community is actually one way I am also doing another type of work that is important to me. I am doing grief work right now related to my family of origin. It is a deep process...certainly not a cakewalk! By showing up this past weekend and presenting my deepest self to the community at large I was taking a decisive stand for myself and what I believe in.
Through the recent work I have been doing I have also come to realize that I am seeking to recapture a developmental phase of my own life that I did not get the chance to live in a healthy way when it actually came around. That phase is adolescence. One of my favorite books on the subject of astrology acknowledges that it is indeed possible to find a way to develop a part of yourself that was truncated during the time that it 'should' have happened. Consider the following taken from Erin Sullivan's book called Saturn in Transit:
(The author is speaking here about the period of life between the ages of 45-52. Though I am five years out from reaching this period myself...it is telling and timely to read it now)
"The initial stage of the Saturn opposition can also give one the courage to shrug off social expectations and pressures. That the period has been called 'the second adolescence' clearly shows that childhood and adolescence can be revisited. People who had extremely difficult childhoods, or had their adolescence cut short in some way, find that they can recapture their lost years. There are many ways one can 'lose' one's childhood or adolescence. An abused child (whether that is sexually, emotionally, or physically) is never a child; a child or teenager who has to care for an ill or alcoholic parent never experiences childhood; a teenager who becomes a mother or responsible father loses her or his adolescence. There are many examples of people who need to recapture a period in their life which was truncated or never lived at all."
The TRUTH of what Sullivan observes is so spot on true to my experience. I feel that there is indeed a whole section of my own life that was truncated early on. I could not be a carefree child because I was either worried about my mother as she suffered her schizophrenic breakdown or worried about my father and his bad choices. It's a little disconcerting when you realize that you are waking up to the fact that you have suffered from an anxiety issue for about three DECADES. And all the past treatment I underwent never seemed to fully help me to heal. But now I am trying different means of addressing my root issues...and I am beginning to see amazing progress.
Do you know what I did yesterday? I ran with the carefree ABANDON that a child runs with when he is so young that his mind has not yet developed so fully that he is perhaps likely to get trapped in his head. IT WAS EXHILARATING. I was able to run and not worry about the condition of my body. It was so lovely to run and feel my lungs pumping, my heart pounding...to feel so amazingly ALIVE.
And today I did just about everything you can do in a gym. I lifted weights, did some physical therapy exercises, swam in the pool, sat in the hot tub, walked and basked in the sauna. My legs felt like slabs of granite after emerging from the pool. But it felt so good to feel so tight, so alive...as if I am finally waking up from the bad dream of PTSD.
I have heard a range of opinion in regards to how open I 'ought' to be regarding my early life experiences, PTSD and so on. And most everything I have heard has come from the lips of people I know genuinely care about me. I am not going to let shame or fear color my judgment and decision making however. I feel very strongly that the obstacles I have faced and overcome are such that nobody should have to go through what I did. And I feel that way knowing full well that there are many, many, MANY people who have it much worse than me...like the people in countries such as the Philippines who have lost everything in one storm, orphans, those injured in war, those losing their nations to climate change, etc. We're all interconnected and I believe we all should offer one another a certain measure of compassion due to the simple reality that we are all human. I want to work with others to create a more just and compassionate world.
I want to thank all the men here in the local leather community who have inspired me. Prominent among them are Ryan Brown, Brent Fourre, Derek Harley, Jason Bribitzer-Stull, Tim Holden and Tommy Rosengren. I really enjoyed meeting the judges Nick J. Zuko, Carol Watson, Thib Guicherd-Callin and InternationalTrainer Don this past weekend and getting to know them a bit. It was so nice to hug Andy Cross and see him smile. And of course I honor my fellow contestants Jason Little, Ivan E Nunez and Tim Hotchkin! Enjoy your MME year Jason!
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!