Monday, February 2, 2015

Staying Focused

Monday, February 2, 2015

I am doing my best to remain focused.  It isn't easy right now.  I just want to give up.  I am so tired of trying.

The good and bad news is that I have partially moved out of my apartment.  Four months ago I moved into my own apartment.  I did so with an immense feeling of hopefulness that my move was yet another indicator of my progress forward.  I was sorely disappointed.  Due to the dysfunctional and illegal conduct of other tenants I eventually came to conclude it was in my best interests to move out.  I am now in the process of dealing with the full consequences of my decision.

It all too often happens that I feel a bit fearful of making major decisions.  I feel this way in part due to the fact that I did not develop very good decision making skills when I was growing up.  My father certainly did not teach me how to make good decisions.  He was busy working and avoiding the pain in his own life.  He wasn't a good model of manhood for me.  I have the power to choose how I will live my own life.  But I feel a bit bereft at the moment.  I need more resources to support my own healing process.

I spent time this past weekend working on a number of important 'issue areas' in my own life.  I read a document focused on something called a 'cultural landscape approach'.  I sent out emails to potential professional contacts as I continue to explore the possibility of pursuing a doctorate.  I went to the YMCA and got in some exercise time.  I took my medication in a timely way and got enough sleep.  It was supposedly a productive weekend.  But I am nonetheless struggling with dark thoughts.  One of the most prominent of my dark thoughts is 'It's too late for me'.  Sometimes I feel the best years of my life are behind me.  Throughout the last four years I have tried to find the next step forward in my professional life.  These last four years have often felt excruciating.

I don't want to give up on my own life.  I have fought too hard, invested too much in myself and given too generously of my time to give up now.  But the weariness and sadness are upon me.  If I cannot make any significant strides forward in the short term then I at least want to protect what progress I have made.

I think the sadness fast idea I wrote of recently is a good notion to keep playing with.  I have carried a lot of sadness in my own life.  I want to start healing myself of my sadness.  I have been working on it for a while now.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!