Saturday, February 21, 2015

An Open Letter to Someone I Never Met, Part II

Saturday, February 21, 2015

What appears below is a continuation of a letter I began yesterday.

Hello again,

When I finished writing yesterday I wasn't sure I would have more to say.  I made an agreement with myself that I would write more to you if I felt there was more in my heart that I needed to express.  This morning I realized that there was.  Perhaps I will have to write to you for a while.  And I will just put out of mind the possibility that you are not even alive now.

I feel I am thinking about you partly due to the nature of my current circumstances.  It took me a while to realize just how burned out I was feeling.  Lately I have been doing some research in an attempt to put words to what I have been feeling.  I realize I was feeling what could be described as burnout or compassion fatigue.  The seeds of my current distress were planted in my psyche years ago.  You played a role in this happening.  I want you to be held accountable for your actions in some way.  But I doubt that will ever happen.

I feel that you took a piece of my very self when you tried to kill my father.  You took a piece of my strength.  You took a piece of my ability to trust.  I nonetheless have some empathy for you.  Indeed I think I could have become someone like you if the influences around me had been worse than they were.

I have this habit of watching a show called Criminal Minds.  I just finished watching an episode in which a teenage boy fell under the influence of an adult man who was also an ex-convict.  They terrorized and brutalized young women together.  The teenage boy was especially vulnerable due to the void left in his life when he lost his father.  I can identify with the hollowness that adolescent boy felt.  I felt the same way.

Another way I could describe what I am grappling with would require me to reframe my life journey using descriptors from the fields of psychology and mythology.  You see I became very tired of being 'the good boy'.  I went to school, got good grades and behaved myself while the people and institutions around me failed me miserably.  I started feeling a lot of bitterness as a result of this.  You were a bad boy and I was a good boy.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!