Saturday, February 21, 2015
What appears below is a continuation of a letter I began yesterday.
Hello again,
When I finished writing yesterday I wasn't sure I would have more to say. I made an agreement with myself that I would write more to you if I felt there was more in my heart that I needed to express. This morning I realized that there was. Perhaps I will have to write to you for a while. And I will just put out of mind the possibility that you are not even alive now.
I feel I am thinking about you partly due to the nature of my current circumstances. It took me a while to realize just how burned out I was feeling. Lately I have been doing some research in an attempt to put words to what I have been feeling. I realize I was feeling what could be described as burnout or compassion fatigue. The seeds of my current distress were planted in my psyche years ago. You played a role in this happening. I want you to be held accountable for your actions in some way. But I doubt that will ever happen.
I feel that you took a piece of my very self when you tried to kill my father. You took a piece of my strength. You took a piece of my ability to trust. I nonetheless have some empathy for you. Indeed I think I could have become someone like you if the influences around me had been worse than they were.
I have this habit of watching a show called Criminal Minds. I just finished watching an episode in which a teenage boy fell under the influence of an adult man who was also an ex-convict. They terrorized and brutalized young women together. The teenage boy was especially vulnerable due to the void left in his life when he lost his father. I can identify with the hollowness that adolescent boy felt. I felt the same way.
Another way I could describe what I am grappling with would require me to reframe my life journey using descriptors from the fields of psychology and mythology. You see I became very tired of being 'the good boy'. I went to school, got good grades and behaved myself while the people and institutions around me failed me miserably. I started feeling a lot of bitterness as a result of this. You were a bad boy and I was a good boy.
What appears below is a continuation of a letter I began yesterday.
Hello again,
When I finished writing yesterday I wasn't sure I would have more to say. I made an agreement with myself that I would write more to you if I felt there was more in my heart that I needed to express. This morning I realized that there was. Perhaps I will have to write to you for a while. And I will just put out of mind the possibility that you are not even alive now.
I feel I am thinking about you partly due to the nature of my current circumstances. It took me a while to realize just how burned out I was feeling. Lately I have been doing some research in an attempt to put words to what I have been feeling. I realize I was feeling what could be described as burnout or compassion fatigue. The seeds of my current distress were planted in my psyche years ago. You played a role in this happening. I want you to be held accountable for your actions in some way. But I doubt that will ever happen.
I feel that you took a piece of my very self when you tried to kill my father. You took a piece of my strength. You took a piece of my ability to trust. I nonetheless have some empathy for you. Indeed I think I could have become someone like you if the influences around me had been worse than they were.
I have this habit of watching a show called Criminal Minds. I just finished watching an episode in which a teenage boy fell under the influence of an adult man who was also an ex-convict. They terrorized and brutalized young women together. The teenage boy was especially vulnerable due to the void left in his life when he lost his father. I can identify with the hollowness that adolescent boy felt. I felt the same way.
Another way I could describe what I am grappling with would require me to reframe my life journey using descriptors from the fields of psychology and mythology. You see I became very tired of being 'the good boy'. I went to school, got good grades and behaved myself while the people and institutions around me failed me miserably. I started feeling a lot of bitterness as a result of this. You were a bad boy and I was a good boy.
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!