Saturday, February 14, 2015

Bearing Healthy Witness

Saturday, February 14, 2015

I have mixed feelings about today.  It is Valentines Day.  I wonder if I will unexpectedly see lots of healthy couples (gay and straight) in the course of the social activities I plan to attend today.  I still feel a lot of deep sadness about the losses I have experienced over the course of the last eighteen months.  Sometimes loss is a very painful experience.  I want to find a way through the sadness I feel now.  I want to believe I am moving in the right direction.

I write my blog for a number of reasons.  One reason I write is for the purpose of enhancing my conscious awareness about what I am feeling and what aspects of my past life history still cause me pain.  Lately I have been more aware of the disappointing aspects of my adolescence.  I rarely felt witnessed by my father and stepmother in the years I was becoming a man.

It is my opinion that a child is not likely to pass through adolescence and become a healthy adult if healthy models of adulthood are lacking.  I did not feel witnessed as my sexuality developed.  And I certainly did not feel I could be honest with my father about being gay while I was still living at home.  It is a sad truth that I felt I had to hide this aspect of myself from my father.  I felt I had to hide it to minimize the risk of additional harm or neglect.

The grief I carried about my much less than optimal adolescence is just one piece of the immense grief I carried for far too long.  I am still grieving now.  I cannot clearly see when this grief shall come to an end.  I do believe that these is an end.  But I cannot clearly discern when that ending will arrive.

I feel quite weary lately.  I feel tired out due to the amount of energy I have already spent seeking to feel better and improve my life.  I made some major changes in my life in the last two years.  And yet for all the changes I have made I still am not experiencing the results I desire.  There are many days when I ask myself why this is so.  I sometimes believe I need to have still more patience.  I sometimes believe I need to go about the process of improving my life in a different way.  And other times I believe I simply have had a larger measure of misfortune than any one person should endure in a single life.

There are times when I feel a bit guilty or pathetic that I am not more grateful for what is good in my life.  I am fortunate to have excellent health insurance that is allowing me to finally attend to my old psychic wounds in a thorough way.  I am fortunate to have friends both near and far who care about me.  I am fortunate to still enjoy a fairly functional physical body.  And yet despite all these good aspects of my life I still feel so disappointed and sad lately.  I want to move beyond the pain and disappointment of my early life history.  It is taking more time and effort than I would prefer.

I find myself wondering when all of the trees will be green again.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!