Monday, January 12, 2015
In the first months of my recovery process I often felt skeptical that I would eventually reach the point I am now beginning to reach. I am starting to feel that grief has at least one thing in common with, of all things, radioactive materials. Grief has something like a half-life. In other words, grief doesn't last forever. I never thought that my grief would indeed last forever but many months ago I thought it would continue to feel truly burdensome for a very long time. I am now just beginning to feel very differently.
It was a bitterly cold day today. The temperature barely climbed above 0F. The temperature is predicted to drop to -11F tonight. But the sky was filled with brilliant sunshine all day long. At one point near the noon hour I allowed myself to get a sun-bath. I was inside the whole time I enjoyed my sun-bath so I didn't feel the cold nipping at my skin. That was a relief. I feel better than I did in January of 2014.
Yes, I think it is indeed true that grief naturally shrinks over time. Perhaps it is the power of the human spirit. Who among us wants to be caught in an unending cycle of grief and sadness? Eventually we must find a way to release that which pains us. Sometimes releasing our pain requires us to give up something immense. In my case I am giving up on the idea of ever having a healthy relationship with the members of my paternal family of origin. In particular I am focusing my attention on letting go of my father. I have wondered (sometimes 'aloud' here in this blog) if my father is actually a psychopath. I may never know the answer to that. And somehow I am going to have to find a way to get past it such that it doesn't consume my heart and mind. It's a very sad thing to contemplate such an idea about your own father. And yet when people are pathologically averse to telling the truth what can you possibly do to compel the person to change? You can't! You cannot force another person to change.
I decided to reach out and create some additional support for myself in the next few days. I needed it. I feel weary of being involuntarily required to endure the drama and dysfunction of others. That was the story of my childhood. It will not be the story of my remaining adulthood.