Thursday, January 15, 2015

Learning To Have More Patience

Thursday, January 15, 2015

I continue to find myself feeling better and better as I take advantage of my excellent health insurance by attending a program at Abbott Northwestern Hospital.

I am learning still more about myself and my own needs through some of the work I am doing in my current program.  One thing I am learning is that I would benefit from being more patient with myself.  I tend to have high expectations of myself and others.  When my expectations are not met I inevitably feel disappointed and demoralized.  If I could just learn to trust the process of my own evolution more I might find myself feeling happier, more grounded and more motivated.

My declining motivation in recent weeks was a red flag that something was amiss.  I was beginning to feel more and more overwhelmed.  I had been struggling with some physical health issues since last October.  These issues combined with the necessity of maintaining a pleasant demeanor while working as a seasonal employee for Macys and continuing to do my own psychotherapy eventually began to leave me feeling increasingly overwhelmed.  And so it became clear that I needed to step away from my current life for a bit of time to refocus and refresh myself.

I wrote yesterday about how the nature of my grief is changing.  I am less and less aware of the grief I felt in the months immediately after my father was nearly murdered in 1982.  The pain of that time period in my life has receded and lessened in response to my focus on this period of my childhood in my weekly therapy sessions.  Yesterday marked something of a turning point for me.  I could better identify the contours of the grief I still carry.  Clarity was one of a number of gifts of the day.  I could sense the sadness and grief of my adolescence rising up within my conscious awareness.  I had needed my father to be a present witness as I became a man.  But he wasn't sufficiently emotionally present to attend to this very vital transition.  I didn't experience any significant initiation into being a man.

So it seems that I now need to focus my attention on the wounds and disappointment of my adolescence.  Thankfully I have a skilled therapist and care team to assist me in this process.  I am a much healthier person than I was eighteen months ago.  I still have more work to do.  But I am confident that I can eventually realize the biggest dreams I have for myself.  It's a matter of time, effort and persistence.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!