Thursday, January 22, 2015
Today was another day in which I surfed through a variety of many feelings. I felt amusement, confusion, encouragement, sadness, frustration and more. And I probably went through this cycle of many feelings several times.
The day began in an amusing way. I took my razor to the YMCA so I could shave and make myself look a bit more presentable than I have been feeling. To take the last bus of the bus line I prefer I had to abort my shaving before I could finish it. So I left myself with hair under my nose. Yes, I left myself with a mustache. I found myself laughing as I made my way to the bus stop. I felt as if I looked like Michael Mouse Tolliver from the movie based on Armistead Maupin's book Tales of the City. I felt as if I was wearing an outdated facial hair look more typical of the 1970s.
My outpatient treatment program proved helpful today. I feel better than I did this morning. I feel a bit more able to sit with and feel the sadness I had been carrying for such a long time. Memories of being a 'latch-key kid' have been floating through my conscious awareness over the last several days. The sadness I carried around for so many years was so ponderous and so heavy. I feel it was genuinely unjust that I be expected to carry around what I did. But there are many people who have experienced immense injustice in the world. And some of those people have not survived the injustice that they experienced. At least I survived my early life history. I am blessed in many ways. There are some days when it is difficult for me to really appreciate all that I have.
As I recount what I experienced throughout the day I still feel a lot of sadness as I write now. And it's perfectly fine for me to feel sad. Sadness and grief are a part of every human life. We all experience loss at some point in our lives.
The journey of writing my blog has felt a bit more arduous as of late. It hasn't been as much of a joy as I would like it to be. But I want to continue to write nonetheless. Even the activities that we really enjoy doing might not feel so enjoyable each and every day we honor our commitment to do them. I feel that part of the challenge of daily living is showing up for what we have agreed to do even when doing so holds little excitement for us. I think I once heard a saying that "90% of life is showing up".