Thursday, January 22, 2015

Oh Hey It's 1977 Again!

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Today was another day in which I surfed through a variety of many feelings.  I felt amusement, confusion, encouragement, sadness, frustration and more.  And I probably went through this cycle of many feelings several times.

The day began in an amusing way.  I took my razor to the YMCA so I could shave and make myself look a bit more presentable than I have been feeling.  To take the last bus of the bus line I prefer I had to abort my shaving before I could finish it.  So I left myself with hair under my nose.  Yes, I left myself with a mustache.  I found myself laughing as I made my way to the bus stop.  I felt as if I looked like Michael Mouse Tolliver from the movie based on Armistead Maupin's book Tales of the City.  I felt as if I was wearing an outdated facial hair look more typical of the 1970s.

My outpatient treatment program proved helpful today.  I feel better than I did this morning.  I feel a bit more able to sit with and feel the sadness I had been carrying for such a long time.  Memories of being a 'latch-key kid' have been floating through my conscious awareness over the last several days.  The sadness I carried around for so many years was so ponderous and so heavy.  I feel it was genuinely unjust that I be expected to carry around what I did.  But there are many people who have experienced immense injustice in the world.  And some of those people have not survived the injustice that they experienced.  At least I survived my early life history.  I am blessed in many ways.  There are some days when it is difficult for me to really appreciate all that I have.

As I recount what I experienced throughout the day I still feel a lot of sadness as I write now.  And it's perfectly fine for me to feel sad.  Sadness and grief are a part of every human life.  We all experience loss at some point in our lives.

The journey of writing my blog has felt a bit more arduous as of late.  It hasn't been as much of a joy as I would like it to be.  But I want to continue to write nonetheless.  Even the activities that we really enjoy doing might not feel so enjoyable each and every day we honor our commitment to do them.  I feel that part of the challenge of daily living is showing up for what we have agreed to do even when doing so holds little excitement for us.  I think I once heard a saying that "90% of life is showing up".


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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!