Monday, January 26, 2015
Sometimes it just does not seem possible that I am still working through the sadness I feel regarding aspects of my life from thirty years ago. I am relieved that I no longer feel saturated with anger. The anger covered up my sadness and grief for a very long time. With my anger dissipating I can now better attend to what I can more clearly discern was underneath the anger all along. My sadness is immense. It is not debilitating. But it is so large that the very prospect of successfully attending to it seems to be yet another task for Hercules.
I would feel more encouraged if my physical health did not seem so tenuous lately. The inflammation and tenderness I have experienced in my feet has been going on for about ten weeks now. The new medication I am currently taking for my foot discomfort does not seem to be working too well. So I might soon be switching back to the medication my podiatrist originally prescribed for me last November.
I feel this immense space inside me now. It is a space made possible by my decision to no longer maintain active ties with certain members of my paternal family of origin. This space sometimes feels like a gaping black hole or open wound that will heal only very slowly.
There are moments when I attempt to distract myself from the pain I feel by marveling at the beauty of the world. I actually feel as if this works quite well.
It seems I am finally truly alive.
Sometimes it just does not seem possible that I am still working through the sadness I feel regarding aspects of my life from thirty years ago. I am relieved that I no longer feel saturated with anger. The anger covered up my sadness and grief for a very long time. With my anger dissipating I can now better attend to what I can more clearly discern was underneath the anger all along. My sadness is immense. It is not debilitating. But it is so large that the very prospect of successfully attending to it seems to be yet another task for Hercules.
I would feel more encouraged if my physical health did not seem so tenuous lately. The inflammation and tenderness I have experienced in my feet has been going on for about ten weeks now. The new medication I am currently taking for my foot discomfort does not seem to be working too well. So I might soon be switching back to the medication my podiatrist originally prescribed for me last November.
I feel this immense space inside me now. It is a space made possible by my decision to no longer maintain active ties with certain members of my paternal family of origin. This space sometimes feels like a gaping black hole or open wound that will heal only very slowly.
There are moments when I attempt to distract myself from the pain I feel by marveling at the beauty of the world. I actually feel as if this works quite well.
It seems I am finally truly alive.
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