Wednesday, January 21, 2015
The therapist who runs the group therapy portion of the outpatient program I have been attending this past week made a comment to me today in regards to something I said to her yesterday. Sometimes I like to hang out in places for some time after my business in that place is done. I suppose I sometimes do this as a coping mechanism if I am feeling especially lonely or needy. I have felt a bit low lately so my inclination to engage in this means of coping has been a bit elevated.
As I departed yesterday I commented that "I need an after-school program". I was actually referencing that time period in my life when I was still living at home. My after-school program on many, many days was to go home, watch television and do my homework...alone. Even after my younger brother was born I still felt a certain gross measure of loneliness. This was partly due to the fact that my younger brother was never old enough to play with in a way that was age appropriate for either of us while I was still living at home.
Watching television wasn't exactly a healthy after-school program. Engaging in this activity didn't really enhance certain skills that would prove vital to me later in my life. Watching television isn't really an active activity. Yes, there are programs that still exist that are truly educational in nature. But much of television thirty years ago as well as now does little to really enhance the skills and quality of life of many people. I probably would have been better served if I had engaged in more social activities. But I lacked a good measure of self-esteem by the time I entered high school. This lack of confidence led me to frequently isolate. It wasn't healthy for me to be as alone as I often was.
Here I am thirty years later and I am continuing to disassemble aspects of the person I have become. I have more anger and sadness than I want to have. I need more love and kindness in my life. I became burned out some time ago because I was not giving enough love and care to myself. And this was partly due to the fact that I didn't have good role models for the development and practice of self-care skills. So now I get to do it. I could choose to hide and mourn and feel pity for myself for what I never experienced. Or I can choose to go out into the world each day, reach out, meet new people, take risks, dream and keep trying. I would prefer to apply the latter approach.
All the instability of my childhood profoundly affected my sense of self and my sense of what was possible in my future life. I still wrestle with how the chaos impacted me. But I do believe that I am gradually transmuting my personal darkness into something else. It will take some additional time for this process to unfold. But I feel I am gradually moving in the direction of an enjoyable and love filled future.
I feel immense gratitude for how far I have come. I look forward to the flowering of the coming spring. I believe it will be a spring unlike any other I have experienced.
The therapist who runs the group therapy portion of the outpatient program I have been attending this past week made a comment to me today in regards to something I said to her yesterday. Sometimes I like to hang out in places for some time after my business in that place is done. I suppose I sometimes do this as a coping mechanism if I am feeling especially lonely or needy. I have felt a bit low lately so my inclination to engage in this means of coping has been a bit elevated.
As I departed yesterday I commented that "I need an after-school program". I was actually referencing that time period in my life when I was still living at home. My after-school program on many, many days was to go home, watch television and do my homework...alone. Even after my younger brother was born I still felt a certain gross measure of loneliness. This was partly due to the fact that my younger brother was never old enough to play with in a way that was age appropriate for either of us while I was still living at home.
Watching television wasn't exactly a healthy after-school program. Engaging in this activity didn't really enhance certain skills that would prove vital to me later in my life. Watching television isn't really an active activity. Yes, there are programs that still exist that are truly educational in nature. But much of television thirty years ago as well as now does little to really enhance the skills and quality of life of many people. I probably would have been better served if I had engaged in more social activities. But I lacked a good measure of self-esteem by the time I entered high school. This lack of confidence led me to frequently isolate. It wasn't healthy for me to be as alone as I often was.
Here I am thirty years later and I am continuing to disassemble aspects of the person I have become. I have more anger and sadness than I want to have. I need more love and kindness in my life. I became burned out some time ago because I was not giving enough love and care to myself. And this was partly due to the fact that I didn't have good role models for the development and practice of self-care skills. So now I get to do it. I could choose to hide and mourn and feel pity for myself for what I never experienced. Or I can choose to go out into the world each day, reach out, meet new people, take risks, dream and keep trying. I would prefer to apply the latter approach.
All the instability of my childhood profoundly affected my sense of self and my sense of what was possible in my future life. I still wrestle with how the chaos impacted me. But I do believe that I am gradually transmuting my personal darkness into something else. It will take some additional time for this process to unfold. But I feel I am gradually moving in the direction of an enjoyable and love filled future.
I feel immense gratitude for how far I have come. I look forward to the flowering of the coming spring. I believe it will be a spring unlike any other I have experienced.
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