My Ponderous Sadness

Saturday, January 24, 2015

As I awoke this morning I found myself recalling one of the insights I have come to while going to therapy.  I found myself feeling really sad as I remember how throughout the summer of 1982 I felt convinced I would not live to see my ninth birthday.  Such pessimistic dark thinking is a very horrible burden for a child of eight years of age to carry around.

My sadness and grief are still inside me.  They have been my unintended companions for many years.  But by paying some genuine attention to them I feel the onerous quality of their weight lessening with time.  It’s obvious I need to make time in my life to attend to these companions.  I believe they will eventually leave once I make enough space in my life to give them what they need.  My sadness needs attention.  My grief needs attention.  I am giving them attention now.  They will eventually not feel so weighty and demanding.

I have one important task on my weekend docket I am determined to accomplish.  I am going to go visit a friend who has two cats he wishes to give away.  They originally belonged to his former roommate.  I wish to have at least one companion animal.  I believe having a living creature waiting to see me when I arrive home each day would be very good for me.

I have other activities I can participate in this weekend.  Depending on how my energy level is I might attend some events.  One of my primary goals is to listen to how my body feels as I move about and live my life today.  I still feel a degree of weariness.  But the weariness is thankfully also lessening.