Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Acknowledging My Sadness

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Today was my eleventh day attending an outpatient program at Abbott Northwestern Hospital.  I feel much better than I did when I began two calendar weeks ago.  Today, as I have on other recent days, I acknowledged the deep sadness I feel.  I have plenty of 'good' reasons to feel sad.  And I recognize it's about time I finally really opened up and acknowledged the depth of my sadness.

I have felt some amount of sadness for much of my life.  The trauma of my early life history served as the rotten seeds that would later bloom into my longstanding sadness.  And yet being filled with immense sadness is not a death sentence.  I do not have a terminal health condition.  I can improve and I believe I will continue to improve.  The veneer of my anger is finally falling away.  And there underneath my anger was my long semi-dormant sadness.  How long does it take to heal such sadness?  This is another good question.  And I have absolutely no good answer to that question.  The process of healing will take whatever time it requires.  I have no magic crystal ball that will allow me to accurately foretell my future in regards to my health.

A year ago my mental health was quite different.  I was still busy with the process of doing some demanding and extensive physical therapy.  I was also still quite angry as a result of my most recent interactions with my biological father.  I sometimes had the physical sensation of spinning much like the tasmanian devil cartoon character would do on the Saturday morning cartoons of my childhood.  It didn't seem that I could break out of the cycle of my pain and hurt.

Walking away from my paternal family of origin has helped immensely.  It was a painful choice.  But it was a valid and necessary choice.  Choices can be very easy when no manner of real loss is truly involved.  It's another matter entirely when making a choice results in people vanishing from your life...perhaps to never return.

Now I have an immense awareness of the sadness I feel.  I suppose I should learn to be a more entertaining and convivial host.  I have a feeling this sadness will be hanging around for a while.  My sadness is another teacher.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!