Friday, January 16, 2015

Practicing The Art Of Courage

Friday, January 16, 2015

The last twenty-four hours have been quite interesting.  I feel as if I have been on a roller coaster.

I had a productive session with my therapist last night.  We worked on creating a written set of parameters of what I am and am not willing to do for work in the future.  This project will be a primary focus of my attention in the next few weeks.

My trip home from seeing my therapist was equally interesting.  The world appeared quite vivid.  I found myself noticing the smallest details of the world as it flew by my taxi.

I have felt strange all day today.  I woke up quite sleep deprived due to an ongoing issue with the radiator in my apartment.  This issue is still not resolved.  While at the downtown Walgreens this morning I unexpectedly began hearing the song "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum.  And then the tears  were crowding my eyes so suddenly that I felt as if my knees could have easily buckled underneath me.  I had to walk outside and deeply inhale the chilly winter air as a means of getting some relief.  A good music video of the song can be found on YouTube here.

The song felt like a broadside across my face and chest because of the lyrics focused on topics like running away, remembering how to smile and 'getting somewhere'.  Suddenly those many, many, many times I unconsciously fantasized about running away when I was a kid all appeared as an immense crowd of pseudo-memories in my waking consciousness.  Somehow I managed to ignore my persistent fantasies of running away.  I suppose I managed to do this because I had become a virtual master of dissociation as a child.  It was my unconscious way of coping with the stressful circumstances around me which I had no easy way to escape.  It's no wonder my knees almost buckled another me.

In the last eighteen months I have asked many questions of myself.  One question among the lot of them has been this one: 'Why didn't I run away?'  I have gradually found an answer to this question.  I didn't run away because I feared the world beyond the house I called home might be more difficult than what I already knew.  I suppose you could call it a case of 'staying with the devil you know rather than one you don't'.  The Known can be more comfortable than the Unknown.

Just being able to acknowledge the depth of the sadness and fear I so persistently felt is but one way to mark the immense progress I have made in the last eighteen months.    My psychic repair work is still obviously underway.  I am thankfully long beyond the stage of my initial and thorough assessment of the depth and contours of my sorrow.  I suppose I finished that some time in early 2014.

I recently felt the time had come for me to take a deeper step into practicing the art of courage.  I want to leave behind the unsatisfying work world that I have found myself dipping into a bit too much as of late.  I need to leave this world behind.  I need to find my way down the path of healing to the fullness of the man I can be.

I'll be sharing more details of this new leg of my voyage in the coming days and weeks.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!