Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Dark Question

Saturday, January 10, 2015

I decided to review past writings contained within my blog this morning.  I did so partly for the purpose of preparing myself for an intake appointment I have scheduled for this coming Monday, January 12th. I am considering doing a second plunge into the adult partial hospitalization program offered at Abbott Northwestern Hospital.  Why?  I feel I have been slipping a bit lately.  I have worked very hard to restore my health.  I have no intention of losing all the progress I have made.

As I prepare myself for this intake appointment this coming week I have been reflecting on what still bothers me now.  I am asking myself what my core struggles are now.  And one of them is the sadness and confusion I feel regarding who my father was and is now.  I wrote in March of last year how I have  wondered if my father might be a psychopath.  I did some research on the subject.  As I continue to move through the grief I feel as a result of my terminated relationship with much of my paternal family of origin the question of my father's identity continues to be a central unresolved question.  And I do not believe I will ever get any real healthy resolution to my lingering question.  So I have to find some way to move on and accept this.

I have been frustrated by my search for grief resources here in the Twin Cities.  I often discover said resources are only focused upon people who have experienced the biological death of a person dear to them.  And yet this narrow manner of defining loss does an immense disservice to those who have experienced significant loss that falls outside of the reality of biological death.  At least that is my opinion.  I am one such person who has experienced significant loss other than biological death.  To experience, as I have, an utter and complete alienation and estrangement from nearly your entire paternal family of origin is no small matter.  And such unfortunate pain is not uncommon in the human experience.  I suspect there are many people here in the Twin Cities who are experiencing estrangement and related issues of loss who also feel a bit bereft of the support they need.

When I go to my intake appointment on Monday I am going to have my laundry list of challenges ready for exposition.  Continuing to work on the longstanding issues that caused me pain for so long gives me some measure of satisfaction and consolation.  In continuing to work on myself I continue to essentially say to the world at large the following: 'I believe my life can be bigger and brighter than it appears to be now.  I believe lasting healing is possible.'

I wish to express my gratitude to those of you who continue to follow my blog. I intend to keep writing.  This process is often something of a salve for my soul.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!