When Children Die

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The recent news coverage of the funeral of Michael Brown has prompted me to think about the topic of childhood, how children are raised and what the prospects for generations that come after me may be.  Let me reiterate who Michael Brown is for those of you who read my blog outside the United States and for those of you living here in the United States who have been doing the equivalent of living under a rock.  Michael Brown is the African American youth who was shot to death on August 9^th in Ferguson, Missouri.  His most unfortunate death ignited discussion about race relations, racism, the experience and challenges young minority men face and the militarization of law enforcement.  It is my hope that some greater good will come from this unfortunate tragedy.  A week ago, on Monday, August 18^th, I found myself feeling very agitated as I contemplated the imagery regarding this story that was all over the media.  My anxiety spiked that day and it makes perfect sense that it did.  I wonder if this country is becoming a police state…if it hasn’t already.

Depending on the particular circumstances a single death can sometimes prove to be a source of immense trauma for a community or even a whole nation.  This has happened when major leaders like John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr. and Harvey Milk have been murdered.  Such deaths can stymie entire movements for political and social change.  And yet other times unexpected death can galvanize communities and nations to vigorously demand social justice and the reform of corrupt institutions.  The death of Michael Brown touches a nerve partly because it draws attention to the prospects and fates of minorities and others with minimal access to significant opportunity.  Indeed, just how just and representative can a police department be when the demographics of its officers are essentially completely unrepresentative of the community it serves?

After the Newtown, Connecticut tragedy nearly two years ago I felt especially incensed.  I know my outrage was partially a response to the horrible loss of life.  But I also felt immensely distressed because the loss of life rubbed open my own psychic wounds that were a result of the gun violence that directly affected my own life.  At that time, despite the fact that I had previously undergone therapeutic treatment, I was still walking around unaware of how the trauma of my early life history was still affecting me. 

It is my opinion that the rights of those who carry guns are given more weight in our national discourse and policies compared to the rights of children and law abiding adults who would prefer to live in a less violent society.  I take no issue with the idea of allowing adult citizens of a nation to have access to and use weapons…in theory.  Unfortunately there is often a wide gulf between theory and reality.  Much ink has been spilled about the gun culture in the United States in the time since the Newtown tragedy in December, 2012.  One timely criticism that has been offered is that we require more education and oversight of those who operate automobiles than those who carry guns.  Automobiles are not designed to be weapons to intimidate or kill others.  Sometimes they are intentionally used that way.  And sometimes accidents happen.  Guns, on the other hand, are designed to be used as a means of hunting, protecting property, protecting self and protecting other people.  And they are also designed to kill.  When used on a larger geopolitical scale guns and other weaponry may be used to protect entire nation states.

The tragedy of Michael Brown’s death led me to focus today’s entry on the issue of violence and how it affects children.  I am focusing specifically on the United States of America.  The United States has an extremely high rate of gun violence when compared against other industrialized, ‘First World’ nations.  Below is a sampling of statistics taken word for word from a July, 2013 report available on the website of the Children’s Defense Fund:

§  The U.S. accounts for less than 5 percent of the global population, but owns an estimated 35 to 50 percent of all civilian-owned guns in the world.

§  American companies manufacture enough bullets each year to fire 31 rounds into every one of our citizens.

§  U.S. children and teens were 32 times more likely to die from a gun homicide and 10 times more likely to die from a gun suicide or a gun accident than all their peers in the other high-income countries combined.

§  82 children under 5 died from guns in 2010, compared to 55 law enforcement officers killed by guns in the line of duty.

§  In 2010, 45 percent of gun deaths and 46 percent of gun injuries were among Black children and teens, although they comprised only 15 percent of all children and teens.

§  Between 1963 and 2010, 59,265 Black children and teens were killed by guns—more than 17 times greater than the recorded lynchings of Black people of all ages in the 86 years from 1882 to 1968.

§  166,500 children and teens died from guns on American soil between 1963 and 2010, while 52,183 U.S. soldiers were killed in action in the Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq wars combined during that same period.

§  The 105,177 gun deaths and injuries to children, teens and adults that occurred in 2010 cost the nation $8.4 billion in medical and other direct costs, $52.5 billion in lost productivity and lost wages, and $113.3 billion in lost enjoyment of life.

Having read through these statistics I ask you to ask yourself this simple question:

Do you believe we have a genuine policy problem with gun violence in the United States? 

When the number of children and teens who have died in a nearly fifty year period is three times the number of U.S. soldiers killed in Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq combined it seems fair to say we have a major problem on our hands.

It is difficult to not feel a bit re-traumatized when incidents like children dying after being shot by police occur.  Last year, only a few months after I began writing my blog, I wrote an entry about an organization called Parents of Murdered Children.  I first learned of the organization while living on the West Coast.  I attended a miniature workshop in which I met a man whose child had been murdered.  You can learn more about Parents of Murdered Children on their website.  I find this organization especially compelling because I have often felt it was simply dumb luck that I didn’t end up dead before I reached adulthood.  If you know someone who is a parent of a child who was murdered you might find it of benefit to know that their annual day or remembrance is coming up next month on September 25th.

I think one of the greatest tragedies that can occur is when a child loses a parent before reaching adulthood.  Parents who lose a child to something completely preventable is also a very tragic thing.  I suspect such loss can easily lead to the development of PTSD.  I wouldn’t be surprised if a number of the parents of the children who died in Newtown developed PTSD and are still wrangling with it now.  Children who were friends of the victims may also develop PTSD but are fortunate to be growing up with access to services (by virtue of the socioeconomic background of their parents) that poor and inner city youth often do not have.  

I honestly find it difficult to imagine how the pain of losing a child can ever be fully resolved and healed.  And I say this knowing and believing that the power of the human mind and positive intention is nonetheless truly amazing.  Some wounds heal easily.  Other wounds run very, very deep and require much time and tender care.  My own biological mother ceased to be an active presence in my life over three decades ago.  Despite the passage of all that time I can honestly say I still miss her.  And there are days when I still find myself wondering what my life might have been like if I had not lost her.  Who could I be today?  It's my opinion that questions that connect deeply to the events of our past are not unusual for those who have experienced severe trauma.

What we choose to do with our own suffering and loss is something we truly can choose.  I believe this is something like what Matthieu Ricard was hinting at when he said the words which appear on the primary picture on my blog: “If we transform our way of looking at things we will transform the quality of our life.”  It isn’t necessarily easy to take a new look at the world around us.  When first struck by an immense loss it can seem a complete falsehood that we have choice in how we respond to our suffering.  And yet we truly can react or we can respond.  These are very different things.  I know very well how difficult it can be to respond.  I felt very overwhelmed and reactive for much of last summer.  It took me months to move beyond a state of perpetual agitation and hyper-vigilance.

As I continue to write this blog I want to move in the direction of making it a source of inspiration and encouragement for others.  When I first began writing it was almost exclusively an outlet designed for my own short-term relief.  Like Elizabeth Wurtzel who wrote the book Prozac Nation as part of her own virtual odyssey of emergence from depression I chose to write in the hope it would support and ultimately accelerate my own healing.  And yet like many people I too struggle to find the light on especially discouraging days or in very dark situations.

When the darkness becomes so immense and feels incredibly suffocating take comfort in knowing you are not alone.  Many have ventured before you and have suffered much.  And many have nonetheless made their lives extraordinary...in time.