Unrest

Monday, August 18, 2014

I feel very agitated this morning.  I attribute it to a number of factors. 

To begin with, I made the unfortunate choice of attempting to engage in some form of dialogue with a Facebook friend I had never met in person.  This individual apparently thinks that Rush Limbaugh is a credible source of accurate, non-biased information.  People who believe Rush Limbaugh has integrity sufficient to entrust him with a radio show that can influence the thinking of millions of people genuinely concern me.  On some days the fact that the man actually has a portion of the airwaves in this country genuinely disturbs me.

I am also very upset by what continues to unfold in Ferguson, Missouri.  I think you would have to have been living under a rock for the last eight days to not have heard what is happening there.  My understanding is that an additional autopsy performed with the assistance of the federal government revealed the teenager Michael Brown (whose death has provoked protest, looting and a request for assistance from the National Guard) was shot at least six times.  Answer me this: What could possibly justify shooting an unarmed teenager at least six times?  To my knowledge Brown did nothing to give police the impression that six bullets (at least!) was justified.  I’ve been asking myself these very troubling broader questions this morning: Am I now living in a police state?  Has my country gone off the deep end into fascism? 

How do you heal from an early life history filled with prodigious amounts of trauma when the very long term stability of your own country seems to be on the brink?  How do you live in a country where people actually believe people like Rush Limbaugh are invested in telling you anything that remotely resembles the truth?  How can I retain any sense of optimism and willingness to participate in a society in which there are such endemic issues of violence?  It’s no wonder it seems to be in my long term interests to move elsewhere eventually.  At least that is what fills my thinking on occasion.

I had a dream last night that also was a bit…disconcerting.  I had a dream in which my friend Jason (who is currently a local leather community titleholder) was having a conversation with me.  I cannot recall the full details of the interchange in the dream.  What I do remember is coming to this realization that I had participated in the very same contest (apparently yet again) and yet somehow, after the event itself, I could not remember anything of the weekend of the contest.  Somehow my memory was a blank.  Somehow I could not remember something that should be so…memorable.

And thus I find myself winding my way back to a theme that I have written about fairly extensively in my blog.   It still upsets me just how little of my early life history I can recall.  I still find it so extremely sad that much of the time from June, 1982 to December, 1983 is essentially a blank in my mind.  I want to learn how to be present to my life now and enjoy the gifts I have in my life NOW.  I want to live in the moment and no longer feel the burden of the legacy of my earliest life history.  I want to climb out of the sadness.  The sadness has been with me such a very long time now.

But then I come back to these other deeper questions.  How much can I truly heal when I live in a society like the United (Police) States of America?