Sunday, August 17, 2014
My therapist often uses the term 'mature adult self' in our conversations during my sessions with him. How do I conceive of the mature adult self? I would define a mature adult in the following way:
A mature adult is an individual committed to cultivating a mindful awareness of how he lives in the world at large. Mature adults possess a significant awareness of who they are and what special skills and talents they can offer to the world. Mature adults are capable of discerning self-inquiry and are amenable to constructive criticism they might receive from family, friends, co-workers and the like. Mature adults do their best to bring their best selves forward while simultaneously aware that the journey of life is often an experience similar to that of creating a masterpiece painting. In other words the journey of life is a work in progress.
In my own mind I think a definition of maturity should be inextricably bound up with the quality of compassion. I shy away from people who lack compassion. Why do I do this? Partly because a lack of compassion is possibly one of the most prominent red flags you can experience that may indicate deeper personality issues in a person. People who portray little if any compassion strike me as being people more likely to have failed to do something that, in my opinion, is a seminal marker of becoming a mature individual. I believe it safe to say that people lacking in compassion often have failed to befriend their own deepest and most personal suffering. To withhold compassion or to have none to offer is to have failed to allow your own personal development to be informed by the universal human experience of pain. And yet while pain is inevitable suffering can be 'optional'.
When our own actions provoke distress in others we can respond to such moments in any number of ways. The above link to an article from Psychology Today speaks briefly about the life of Viktor Frankl. Frankl bore witness to his entire family dying in the Nazi concentration camps. One can hardly imagine more horrifying scenarios to be caught in. And yet somehow, despite such egregious horror, Frankl did not ultimately succumb to pain, outrage or an unquenchable thirst for revenge. He did something frequently noted in the lives of some of the greatest avatars reputed to have walked the planet. He transmuted his dark pain. He learned from it. He turned dross to gold. Frankl's life is an example of the fact that while we may not have control over the circumstances in which we find ourselves we can cultivate an ability to consciously modulate the nature of how we respond to and live within our circumstances.
I believe the journey to greater compassion for our own life journeys and those of others is made more possible by following the teaching attributed to Jesus in which he advised people to take the planks out of their own eyes before attempting to assist others with the same task. Like many stories featuring Jesus this particular one featured Jesus speaking in a metaphorical way. There was no tangible, material piece of wood in a person's eyes. As I understand it Jesus was instead speaking of the necessity and value of self-inquiry. He was, in effect, pointing out the vital importance of cultivating a deep relationship...with yourself.
So how do compassion and self-inquiry relate to the journey of healing from trauma? I have come to believe it is essential that we cultivate compassion for ourselves when engaged in an active process of recovery. Actually I personally believe that compassion is an indispensable human quality to bring to daily life regardless of how well we are functioning in our lives. Homeless people who seem to have no prospects of ever attaining a life marked by security, nourishing relationships and personal fulfillment will do well to give themselves compassion. And world leaders would do well to be compassionate as well...for themselves and those they serve.
I struggle these days to feel much optimism about the state of our world today precisely because I look around and frequently feel many of the problems unfolding in places both near and far are made much worse precisely because compassion is absent from the human calculus of what is happening. I try to offer constructive criticism in response to what I bear witness to through the often distorted and distorting lens of the media here in the United States. To the degree that I am able I try to bring compassion to my life each day. And like some I often find it seems easier to offer compassion to others than it is to myself. And yet this can only go on so long before what seems to be an inevitable imbalance will develop. If you give, give and give to others without giving enough to yourself your personal well will inevitably run dry.
I have been following the events in Ferguson, Missouri for several days now. I find the story of the murder of an unarmed (African American) teenager and the subsequent community unrest very concerning. I bracketed 'African American' for the intentional purpose of highlighting how perceptions of the value of human beings are often informed by their particular qualities such as their gender, race, age and sexual orientation.
The issue of the quality of race relations in America is once again prominent in our national discourse. And that could be a good thing but I admit to feeling inclined to skepticism because stories that exemplify this same theme (namely the issue of race relations, minority youth, law enforcement bias and so on) are often something of a background thread in the media. In other words this problem has long been a part of American society. Is the problem growing worse? I am not sure. But I can say this: I am very concerned about how many alienated youth and very young adults may be out there due to the horrible economic circumstances they have (unfortunately) been presented with in the last several years.
In my opinion stable, equitable societies do not tolerate long periods of time in which the youngest members of their societies who are old enough and skilled enough to work nonetheless do not work due in part to horrible economic circumstances. Unemployment, domestic violence and drug abuse are some of the most prominent ingredients for a recipe that will produce a vast group of disaffected people. It's no wonder I worry about the future of America. Some days I think it is my own history of trauma that is unduly influencing what degree of optimism I hold about my own future as well as the future of my country of birth and the world at large. And then there are other days when I feel my concerns are entirely justified and not disproportionate to what I am witnessing and follow in the media.
In short, I think we need a lot more compassion in the world. The last several years have featured a discourse marked by the specters of financial deficits, economic uncertainty and austerity. But what will ultimately be the true costs of our disinvestment in young people? We will find out in a few decades. Maybe, just maybe, the most worrisome deficits we need to confront are not monetary ones but spiritual ones. Maybe the greatest crisis we are suffering from now is a deficit in how much compassion, kindness and open-hearted listening there is in our local neighborhoods, cities, states, nations and the world as a whole. Maybe we need to give more of that to ourselves. Maybe we need to give more of that to others. In fact, I am convinced we need to.
Maybe the real and most pressing crisis of the twenty-first century is one of compassion...and the lack of it we offer to ourselves and others.
My therapist often uses the term 'mature adult self' in our conversations during my sessions with him. How do I conceive of the mature adult self? I would define a mature adult in the following way:
A mature adult is an individual committed to cultivating a mindful awareness of how he lives in the world at large. Mature adults possess a significant awareness of who they are and what special skills and talents they can offer to the world. Mature adults are capable of discerning self-inquiry and are amenable to constructive criticism they might receive from family, friends, co-workers and the like. Mature adults do their best to bring their best selves forward while simultaneously aware that the journey of life is often an experience similar to that of creating a masterpiece painting. In other words the journey of life is a work in progress.
In my own mind I think a definition of maturity should be inextricably bound up with the quality of compassion. I shy away from people who lack compassion. Why do I do this? Partly because a lack of compassion is possibly one of the most prominent red flags you can experience that may indicate deeper personality issues in a person. People who portray little if any compassion strike me as being people more likely to have failed to do something that, in my opinion, is a seminal marker of becoming a mature individual. I believe it safe to say that people lacking in compassion often have failed to befriend their own deepest and most personal suffering. To withhold compassion or to have none to offer is to have failed to allow your own personal development to be informed by the universal human experience of pain. And yet while pain is inevitable suffering can be 'optional'.
When our own actions provoke distress in others we can respond to such moments in any number of ways. The above link to an article from Psychology Today speaks briefly about the life of Viktor Frankl. Frankl bore witness to his entire family dying in the Nazi concentration camps. One can hardly imagine more horrifying scenarios to be caught in. And yet somehow, despite such egregious horror, Frankl did not ultimately succumb to pain, outrage or an unquenchable thirst for revenge. He did something frequently noted in the lives of some of the greatest avatars reputed to have walked the planet. He transmuted his dark pain. He learned from it. He turned dross to gold. Frankl's life is an example of the fact that while we may not have control over the circumstances in which we find ourselves we can cultivate an ability to consciously modulate the nature of how we respond to and live within our circumstances.
I believe the journey to greater compassion for our own life journeys and those of others is made more possible by following the teaching attributed to Jesus in which he advised people to take the planks out of their own eyes before attempting to assist others with the same task. Like many stories featuring Jesus this particular one featured Jesus speaking in a metaphorical way. There was no tangible, material piece of wood in a person's eyes. As I understand it Jesus was instead speaking of the necessity and value of self-inquiry. He was, in effect, pointing out the vital importance of cultivating a deep relationship...with yourself.
So how do compassion and self-inquiry relate to the journey of healing from trauma? I have come to believe it is essential that we cultivate compassion for ourselves when engaged in an active process of recovery. Actually I personally believe that compassion is an indispensable human quality to bring to daily life regardless of how well we are functioning in our lives. Homeless people who seem to have no prospects of ever attaining a life marked by security, nourishing relationships and personal fulfillment will do well to give themselves compassion. And world leaders would do well to be compassionate as well...for themselves and those they serve.
I struggle these days to feel much optimism about the state of our world today precisely because I look around and frequently feel many of the problems unfolding in places both near and far are made much worse precisely because compassion is absent from the human calculus of what is happening. I try to offer constructive criticism in response to what I bear witness to through the often distorted and distorting lens of the media here in the United States. To the degree that I am able I try to bring compassion to my life each day. And like some I often find it seems easier to offer compassion to others than it is to myself. And yet this can only go on so long before what seems to be an inevitable imbalance will develop. If you give, give and give to others without giving enough to yourself your personal well will inevitably run dry.
I have been following the events in Ferguson, Missouri for several days now. I find the story of the murder of an unarmed (African American) teenager and the subsequent community unrest very concerning. I bracketed 'African American' for the intentional purpose of highlighting how perceptions of the value of human beings are often informed by their particular qualities such as their gender, race, age and sexual orientation.
The issue of the quality of race relations in America is once again prominent in our national discourse. And that could be a good thing but I admit to feeling inclined to skepticism because stories that exemplify this same theme (namely the issue of race relations, minority youth, law enforcement bias and so on) are often something of a background thread in the media. In other words this problem has long been a part of American society. Is the problem growing worse? I am not sure. But I can say this: I am very concerned about how many alienated youth and very young adults may be out there due to the horrible economic circumstances they have (unfortunately) been presented with in the last several years.
In my opinion stable, equitable societies do not tolerate long periods of time in which the youngest members of their societies who are old enough and skilled enough to work nonetheless do not work due in part to horrible economic circumstances. Unemployment, domestic violence and drug abuse are some of the most prominent ingredients for a recipe that will produce a vast group of disaffected people. It's no wonder I worry about the future of America. Some days I think it is my own history of trauma that is unduly influencing what degree of optimism I hold about my own future as well as the future of my country of birth and the world at large. And then there are other days when I feel my concerns are entirely justified and not disproportionate to what I am witnessing and follow in the media.
In short, I think we need a lot more compassion in the world. The last several years have featured a discourse marked by the specters of financial deficits, economic uncertainty and austerity. But what will ultimately be the true costs of our disinvestment in young people? We will find out in a few decades. Maybe, just maybe, the most worrisome deficits we need to confront are not monetary ones but spiritual ones. Maybe the greatest crisis we are suffering from now is a deficit in how much compassion, kindness and open-hearted listening there is in our local neighborhoods, cities, states, nations and the world as a whole. Maybe we need to give more of that to ourselves. Maybe we need to give more of that to others. In fact, I am convinced we need to.
Maybe the real and most pressing crisis of the twenty-first century is one of compassion...and the lack of it we offer to ourselves and others.
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