Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Some days I find it difficult to maintain my belief that my future is going to prove better than my past was...even if I continue to remain as determined to heal and create a new life for myself as I have been these last thirteen months. Life sometimes has a way of interjecting itself into your best laid plans. And when the vagaries and unanticipated actions of other individuals don't intrude upon your own life then larger forces that act on the time scale of decades and generations sometimes do. I feel for those people who lived through the Great Depression in this country. Depending on when it struck relative to an individual's own personal history it had the potential to permanently change the futures of countless people...permanently.
I have looked for a 'real' job for three years now. I quite honestly thought that I would have found one by now. I keep trying each and every day. I keep waking up, going to work, obeying the laws of my country, writing in my blog, dreaming of love, dreaming of excitement and passion and enthusiasm...and I keep feeling as if somehow despite everything I am doing I am never going to become unstuck.
I had a promising interview this morning. I first understood I would likely hear back regarding the selection of a candidate by the end of the day today. I did not. But that actually leaves me feeling a bit more hopeful. I still feel I had a solid shot at being selected for the position.
...
It's now evening. I have these moments when it seems like the full impact of a therapy session washes over me hours or even days later. I felt myself on a bit of an emotional roller coaster again today while at work. Some of it was naturally a result of the enthusiasm I felt in response to receiving an opportunity to interview for a position that actually really interests me. But I also attribute the roller coaster ride to my frustration that I still do not feel all that great. Sometimes I think I am being a hypochondriac (as Virgo people can be known to be) and other times I think my slightly heightened anxiety is justified. Oh to be in my own skull some days!
I sense what I am coming to grips with is how much sadness I was carrying around for so very long. Perhaps I would have reached this point of dawning awareness even without all the stress from last year. Maybe it somehow benefited me to go through what I did and I simply cannot see the longer term benefit yet. I don't know.
I have had these thoughts lately of attempting to do something called a 'sadness fast'. I conceive of a sadness fast as a period of time in which I consciously refrain from participating in behaviors that are liable to make me sad. Such behaviors could include things like watching television programs that feature a lot of human trauma and suffering. I have been thinking lately that my diet of media and food could use an upgrade.
Ah yes, I am a health conscious Virgo!
Some days I find it difficult to maintain my belief that my future is going to prove better than my past was...even if I continue to remain as determined to heal and create a new life for myself as I have been these last thirteen months. Life sometimes has a way of interjecting itself into your best laid plans. And when the vagaries and unanticipated actions of other individuals don't intrude upon your own life then larger forces that act on the time scale of decades and generations sometimes do. I feel for those people who lived through the Great Depression in this country. Depending on when it struck relative to an individual's own personal history it had the potential to permanently change the futures of countless people...permanently.
I have looked for a 'real' job for three years now. I quite honestly thought that I would have found one by now. I keep trying each and every day. I keep waking up, going to work, obeying the laws of my country, writing in my blog, dreaming of love, dreaming of excitement and passion and enthusiasm...and I keep feeling as if somehow despite everything I am doing I am never going to become unstuck.
I had a promising interview this morning. I first understood I would likely hear back regarding the selection of a candidate by the end of the day today. I did not. But that actually leaves me feeling a bit more hopeful. I still feel I had a solid shot at being selected for the position.
...
It's now evening. I have these moments when it seems like the full impact of a therapy session washes over me hours or even days later. I felt myself on a bit of an emotional roller coaster again today while at work. Some of it was naturally a result of the enthusiasm I felt in response to receiving an opportunity to interview for a position that actually really interests me. But I also attribute the roller coaster ride to my frustration that I still do not feel all that great. Sometimes I think I am being a hypochondriac (as Virgo people can be known to be) and other times I think my slightly heightened anxiety is justified. Oh to be in my own skull some days!
I sense what I am coming to grips with is how much sadness I was carrying around for so very long. Perhaps I would have reached this point of dawning awareness even without all the stress from last year. Maybe it somehow benefited me to go through what I did and I simply cannot see the longer term benefit yet. I don't know.
I have had these thoughts lately of attempting to do something called a 'sadness fast'. I conceive of a sadness fast as a period of time in which I consciously refrain from participating in behaviors that are liable to make me sad. Such behaviors could include things like watching television programs that feature a lot of human trauma and suffering. I have been thinking lately that my diet of media and food could use an upgrade.
Ah yes, I am a health conscious Virgo!
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