Wednesday, August 6, 2014
I have been feeling a bit physically sick for six days now. I'm trying to not allow my mind to whirl around too much with anxiety. One of the benefits of working in a health care environment is that you can enhance your knowledge of practices to maintain and enhance your own health. One of the negatives of working in an environment such as a hospital is that it can distort your perception of the world at large. Being around sick people so much of the time can be a sobering and even depressing experience.
Despite still feeling sick I kept my appointment with a local service provider that provides clothing to people in need of interview-worthy clothing. I now feel I will be more able to 'dress for success'. As I gradually went through the process of finding suitable clothing I had the song popularized in the movie Pretty Woman playing through my mind. It was as if I suddenly found myself a sugar daddy and a set of helpers! It was glorious!
I also thought of my family of origin while I was at my appointment. The service provider had several men who assisted clientele in picking out suits, pants, ties, shoes and the like. They were all African American men. Without wanting to I thought of my father and the racist joke he once told me about the African American people of Louisiana whose distinct 'tribes' could be discerned by their particular dialects. My understanding is that the joke was inspired by the business trips to New Orleans that he once made with somewhat regular frequency. I always found the joke very tacky. I never thought of my father as a person possessing racist sentiments. But perhaps I was wrong in my estimation. As would be clear to anyone who has read my blog somewhat regularly over the last year I have been left wondering just what of my earliest years of life was real and what was illusory. I still wonder now...but I try to reign in my mind when it wonders a bit too much.
Racism is such a sad phenomenon. As I was assisted in selecting clothing that might prove to be one decisive piece in my eventual step up from what has been a long period of feeling impoverished and demoralized I could not help but reflect on my origins and think about whether my father would allow himself to be helped if it involved allowing African American men to assist him. I realize my father has his reasons for feeling as he does...and some of them are probably quite legitimate. Working in the food warehousing and transportation industry for many years gave him occasion to supervise a lot of people from socioeconomic backgrounds that tend to fall on the lower end of the spectrum. Put in other words he worked with minorities. He tended to supervise people of lesser levels of education and social skills. He even received death threats on occasion in his workplace. Nobody deserves such stress. But then again African Americans didn't 'deserve' the legacy of slavery and oppression that their forebears experienced. There has long been enough injustice in the world to go around...more than once.
Racism is certainly a relevant topic to broach in the context of my blog. Racism can be closely connected to the issue of trauma as hatred and prejudice against peoples of different backgrounds is but one factor that explains why some people insult, oppress, attack and even murder others. Since Barack Obama became President in November, 2008 there has been plenty of ink spilled in which some have speculated about the United States becoming a 'post-racial' society. I don't think we are quite there yet. But the fact that an African American man was able to become President shows that our society has advanced to a certain degree. Prejudice and cruelty don't have the power they once did.
......
A number of weeks (a few months actually?) have passed since I began noticing that my early life history and associated feelings seem to be right in the forefront of my consciousness when I awaken each morning. This is not a familiar feeling. This was most certainly not happening when I first went back to therapy last summer. As a result of this change I feel I need even more time to wake up and prepare myself for my day each day. And this is especially true Monday through Friday when I work a full day each day.
This morning I felt especially aware of thoughts and feelings I had not during the summer of 1982 when I was an eight year old boy but perhaps the previous summer when I was seven years old and my father was still in his second marriage. The overriding feeling I had during that time can be easily summarized. I felt trapped.
Last summer when I first reentered therapy it seemed to me the occasional bouts of diaphoresis (excessive sweating) I had occurred simultaneous to the times my anxiety level skyrocketed. I was inclined to interpret my sudden bouts of sweating as an indication of my heightened anxiety level. Lately I have again been sweating a lot though I attribute it primarily to the sickness I have had the last several days.
And yet I sense there is something more at play. In some way I feel the excessive sweating is also something of a psychosomatic symptom. In those moments of sudden perspiration I feel myself decidedly not to be a pretty guy.
So I will conclude my writing for the day by posing these not inconsequential questions:
What are your thoughts about psychosomatic illness? Have you experienced this yourself? Do you have friends or family who have? What methods of treatment proved useful to addressing your health needs?
I have been feeling a bit physically sick for six days now. I'm trying to not allow my mind to whirl around too much with anxiety. One of the benefits of working in a health care environment is that you can enhance your knowledge of practices to maintain and enhance your own health. One of the negatives of working in an environment such as a hospital is that it can distort your perception of the world at large. Being around sick people so much of the time can be a sobering and even depressing experience.
Despite still feeling sick I kept my appointment with a local service provider that provides clothing to people in need of interview-worthy clothing. I now feel I will be more able to 'dress for success'. As I gradually went through the process of finding suitable clothing I had the song popularized in the movie Pretty Woman playing through my mind. It was as if I suddenly found myself a sugar daddy and a set of helpers! It was glorious!
I also thought of my family of origin while I was at my appointment. The service provider had several men who assisted clientele in picking out suits, pants, ties, shoes and the like. They were all African American men. Without wanting to I thought of my father and the racist joke he once told me about the African American people of Louisiana whose distinct 'tribes' could be discerned by their particular dialects. My understanding is that the joke was inspired by the business trips to New Orleans that he once made with somewhat regular frequency. I always found the joke very tacky. I never thought of my father as a person possessing racist sentiments. But perhaps I was wrong in my estimation. As would be clear to anyone who has read my blog somewhat regularly over the last year I have been left wondering just what of my earliest years of life was real and what was illusory. I still wonder now...but I try to reign in my mind when it wonders a bit too much.
Racism is such a sad phenomenon. As I was assisted in selecting clothing that might prove to be one decisive piece in my eventual step up from what has been a long period of feeling impoverished and demoralized I could not help but reflect on my origins and think about whether my father would allow himself to be helped if it involved allowing African American men to assist him. I realize my father has his reasons for feeling as he does...and some of them are probably quite legitimate. Working in the food warehousing and transportation industry for many years gave him occasion to supervise a lot of people from socioeconomic backgrounds that tend to fall on the lower end of the spectrum. Put in other words he worked with minorities. He tended to supervise people of lesser levels of education and social skills. He even received death threats on occasion in his workplace. Nobody deserves such stress. But then again African Americans didn't 'deserve' the legacy of slavery and oppression that their forebears experienced. There has long been enough injustice in the world to go around...more than once.
Racism is certainly a relevant topic to broach in the context of my blog. Racism can be closely connected to the issue of trauma as hatred and prejudice against peoples of different backgrounds is but one factor that explains why some people insult, oppress, attack and even murder others. Since Barack Obama became President in November, 2008 there has been plenty of ink spilled in which some have speculated about the United States becoming a 'post-racial' society. I don't think we are quite there yet. But the fact that an African American man was able to become President shows that our society has advanced to a certain degree. Prejudice and cruelty don't have the power they once did.
......
A number of weeks (a few months actually?) have passed since I began noticing that my early life history and associated feelings seem to be right in the forefront of my consciousness when I awaken each morning. This is not a familiar feeling. This was most certainly not happening when I first went back to therapy last summer. As a result of this change I feel I need even more time to wake up and prepare myself for my day each day. And this is especially true Monday through Friday when I work a full day each day.
This morning I felt especially aware of thoughts and feelings I had not during the summer of 1982 when I was an eight year old boy but perhaps the previous summer when I was seven years old and my father was still in his second marriage. The overriding feeling I had during that time can be easily summarized. I felt trapped.
Last summer when I first reentered therapy it seemed to me the occasional bouts of diaphoresis (excessive sweating) I had occurred simultaneous to the times my anxiety level skyrocketed. I was inclined to interpret my sudden bouts of sweating as an indication of my heightened anxiety level. Lately I have again been sweating a lot though I attribute it primarily to the sickness I have had the last several days.
And yet I sense there is something more at play. In some way I feel the excessive sweating is also something of a psychosomatic symptom. In those moments of sudden perspiration I feel myself decidedly not to be a pretty guy.
So I will conclude my writing for the day by posing these not inconsequential questions:
What are your thoughts about psychosomatic illness? Have you experienced this yourself? Do you have friends or family who have? What methods of treatment proved useful to addressing your health needs?
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