Sunday, August 24, 2014
My weekend was not quite what I had been hoping it would be. I had been hoping to spend some time with a friend and have fun. Technology difficulties interfered with that happening. I am trying to 'be a man' about it but sometimes I find being a mature adult very difficult. Today is beginning in this way. Perhaps I will feel differently later on today once I am on my bus underway back to Minneapolis. I did at least have the pleasure of meeting some people I had never met before.
Being able to accept the inevitability of disappointments in life, both large and small, is an indicator of maturity. Wrapping our happiness around the smallest details of our daily lives is a sure recipe for misery. There is so little about the world that we can control. The only thing we can really do is attempt to live lives of integrity, be kind to ourselves, be kind to others, do what we love to do and have fun along the way.
By acknowledging how little of the world we can control I do not mean to imply that we should just lay down and succumb to circumstances that are truly unjust. By no means would I advocate such an approach to life. It would be very Pollyana of me to suggest we should just acquiesce to the structures in our globalized world that perpetuate suffering on a massive scale. I believe in creating a more just world. But a mature adult, in my opinion, will also recognize the limits of his own abilities. Setting realistic goals and expectations is another healthy skill that characterizes a mature adult.
And yet I still feel like being a bit of a Mister Crabby Pants this morning. I find it too easy to be aware of what I do not have sometimes. I found myself doing this a few minutes ago shortly after disembarking from my taxi here in Madison. I turned around and my gaze fell on what appeared to be a happy young couple preparing to leave on a bus. My guess is that an older man and woman who were with them were most likely the parents of the young man or young woman. The young man was strikingly handsome...even from a distance of a few hundred feet. I found myself appreciating the smile on his face. And I found myself wishing I was smiling as well...and for the same reasons. I would love to have an intimate relationship. I don't much care for being single.
It's very clear that I need to (eventually) stop mourning what did not happen in the past. Grief cannot be a permanent companion if a person wishes to have an enjoyable, amazing life. Long enduring grief can, in my opinion, engender any number of maladies in the human body and mind. Here is an excellent article that explores the interrelationship between grief and physical illness that substantiates my own perspective. As I read through the article I could see my own life journey writ large. I thankfully did not need much time after the initial collapse of my life in the summer of 2013 to understand what was happening to me. I became physically ill for many weeks last summer as a result of visiting my biological mother in Germany in May, 2013. Seeing and experiencing the fullness of the person she now is was a difficult experience. I wouldn't be overstating it to say it was even a 'bit' excruciating. I thankfully also found joy in the experience.
Sometimes I feel I ought to be done with my grief now. I'd like to have a clean, sharp end to my grief. But as the article I referenced above makes very clear grief 'there is no set timetable for grief to run its course, and there is no statute of limitations.' Of all the potential varieties of dis-ease that can plague a human being I believe it accurate to say that grief is one of the most stubborn. If you do not deal with your grief your grief will find a way to deal with you. Grief, as noted in the article, can manifest in numerous ways including headaches, backaches, depression, anxiety and chronic gastrointestinal problems. Do all these symptoms automatically indicate that unresolved grief is present? No. But it is wise for health care practitioners to consider the very real possibility that unresolved grief may be a factor contributing to the distressed people who present for care.
The article offers a number of means by which grief may be successfully resolved. Therapeutic treatment modalities listed in the article appear below. I offer my own thoughts based on my experience of each of them:
Medication - I am not a big fan of a strictly pharmaceutical approach. Some medications can produce mildly irritating or genuinely harmful side effects. The possibility of addiction to painkillers is another very real possibility to weigh when considering this option. I personally never thought my personality was very much like an 'addictive personality'. Then last summer I was prescribed atavan to use as needed in the event I had spikes in anxiety or panic attacks. I realized shortly after taking atavan only a few times that the feeling I had after the drug took effect was very enjoyable. In fact, I sensed I could become addicted to them if I wasn't mindful in how I used them. I can thankfully report I did not develop an addiction to them.
Patience, kindness, love and understanding - Of all the elements necessary to a successful recovery (and a successful life) this is the one I was most deprived of as a kid. I lived in an environment in which I was expected to tolerate the poor parenting choices of my father and stepmother(s) and yet somehow not develop serious issues of trust and anxiety. In short, I was terrified or anxious so much of my childhood that it was only natural that I would eventually develop issues with my health years later.
I try to give myself all the patience, love and understanding I did not receive from my own family of origin as a kid. In a sense, with the help of my therapist, friends and those who have suffered and overcome long before I came into the world I am learning how to give to myself what I did not receive in sufficient measure during my early development. It has not been an easy task. Indeed, it feels incredibly arduous at times even now. But thankfully I am much better now.
Psychotherapy - I wouldn't be where I am today without the immense help of the therapist I have been seeing these last fourteen months. So I suppose this will turn into a bit of a testimonial about him. My therapist is Jeffry Jeanetta-Wark, LICSW. Jeffry operates a private practice in Roseville, Minnesota. He works with a diverse clientele and also offers skills particular to the needs of men and their own development. I feel fortunate to have discovered him. You can find his website here.
Bodywork - Unresolved grief may manifest as physical symptoms. I know that I have a tendency to internalize difficult feelings. I learned this technique very well under the influence of my biological father. The physical therapy and exercise regimen I have pursued this last year has been an important part of my journey to greater health.
Dream exploration - While a student of Naropa University I explored the powerful psychic world of dreams. Persistent nightmares can be another indicator of severe distress or even diagnosable illness. The content of dreams can, when done in a conscious, informed way, be interpreted metaphorically to represent the challenges and conflicts as well as hopes and dreams of an individual. I have learned a lot from tracking my dreams over the years. And I have come to believe that most all of us have at least some degree of ability to have pre-cognitive dreams.
Alternative medicine - While Western medicine has certainly served to support my health throughout my life I do believe it has some significant limitations. I have tried to keep an open mind regarding my health. Doing so has led me to try a variety of other treatment modalities that are often lumped under the term 'alternative medicine'. Alternative medicine may include practices such as aromatherapy, acupuncture, massage therapy as well as equine therapy and therapeutic horticulture. It's long been my belief that a vast, vast majority of people can heal themselves if they will really commit to the journey.
Creative arts - My blog has served as a major creative outlet for me these last fourteen months. I now find it difficult to imagine who I would be if I didn't write each day. I also find it difficult to imagine the person I would have become had I not been actively writing these last fourteen months. If you are a newcomer to my blog and are just now venturing forth to reclaim your own life you may feel skepticism that you can do it. Rest assured I had the same skepticism. I wondered if I could really be so disciplined and write essentially every day. Now I think back on that time and laugh a little bit at the self-doubt I allowed myself to entertain a little too much.
I have noted frequently throughout my blog how recovery is a process. It takes time. And being patient is something mature adults can be and generally are. I just wish I had more patience than I already have. It is clear that one of my biggest challenges remains cultivating a spirit of loving-kindness...for myself.
I have a friend who lives in Ohio. On Facebook he occasionally uses the hashtag #unrepentantmanchild. I laughed when I first saw it. The term very much describes me. I am also something of a man-child. I am part boy and part man and continually striving to become a healthier and happier person.
My weekend was not quite what I had been hoping it would be. I had been hoping to spend some time with a friend and have fun. Technology difficulties interfered with that happening. I am trying to 'be a man' about it but sometimes I find being a mature adult very difficult. Today is beginning in this way. Perhaps I will feel differently later on today once I am on my bus underway back to Minneapolis. I did at least have the pleasure of meeting some people I had never met before.
Being able to accept the inevitability of disappointments in life, both large and small, is an indicator of maturity. Wrapping our happiness around the smallest details of our daily lives is a sure recipe for misery. There is so little about the world that we can control. The only thing we can really do is attempt to live lives of integrity, be kind to ourselves, be kind to others, do what we love to do and have fun along the way.
By acknowledging how little of the world we can control I do not mean to imply that we should just lay down and succumb to circumstances that are truly unjust. By no means would I advocate such an approach to life. It would be very Pollyana of me to suggest we should just acquiesce to the structures in our globalized world that perpetuate suffering on a massive scale. I believe in creating a more just world. But a mature adult, in my opinion, will also recognize the limits of his own abilities. Setting realistic goals and expectations is another healthy skill that characterizes a mature adult.
And yet I still feel like being a bit of a Mister Crabby Pants this morning. I find it too easy to be aware of what I do not have sometimes. I found myself doing this a few minutes ago shortly after disembarking from my taxi here in Madison. I turned around and my gaze fell on what appeared to be a happy young couple preparing to leave on a bus. My guess is that an older man and woman who were with them were most likely the parents of the young man or young woman. The young man was strikingly handsome...even from a distance of a few hundred feet. I found myself appreciating the smile on his face. And I found myself wishing I was smiling as well...and for the same reasons. I would love to have an intimate relationship. I don't much care for being single.
It's very clear that I need to (eventually) stop mourning what did not happen in the past. Grief cannot be a permanent companion if a person wishes to have an enjoyable, amazing life. Long enduring grief can, in my opinion, engender any number of maladies in the human body and mind. Here is an excellent article that explores the interrelationship between grief and physical illness that substantiates my own perspective. As I read through the article I could see my own life journey writ large. I thankfully did not need much time after the initial collapse of my life in the summer of 2013 to understand what was happening to me. I became physically ill for many weeks last summer as a result of visiting my biological mother in Germany in May, 2013. Seeing and experiencing the fullness of the person she now is was a difficult experience. I wouldn't be overstating it to say it was even a 'bit' excruciating. I thankfully also found joy in the experience.
Sometimes I feel I ought to be done with my grief now. I'd like to have a clean, sharp end to my grief. But as the article I referenced above makes very clear grief 'there is no set timetable for grief to run its course, and there is no statute of limitations.' Of all the potential varieties of dis-ease that can plague a human being I believe it accurate to say that grief is one of the most stubborn. If you do not deal with your grief your grief will find a way to deal with you. Grief, as noted in the article, can manifest in numerous ways including headaches, backaches, depression, anxiety and chronic gastrointestinal problems. Do all these symptoms automatically indicate that unresolved grief is present? No. But it is wise for health care practitioners to consider the very real possibility that unresolved grief may be a factor contributing to the distressed people who present for care.
The article offers a number of means by which grief may be successfully resolved. Therapeutic treatment modalities listed in the article appear below. I offer my own thoughts based on my experience of each of them:
Medication - I am not a big fan of a strictly pharmaceutical approach. Some medications can produce mildly irritating or genuinely harmful side effects. The possibility of addiction to painkillers is another very real possibility to weigh when considering this option. I personally never thought my personality was very much like an 'addictive personality'. Then last summer I was prescribed atavan to use as needed in the event I had spikes in anxiety or panic attacks. I realized shortly after taking atavan only a few times that the feeling I had after the drug took effect was very enjoyable. In fact, I sensed I could become addicted to them if I wasn't mindful in how I used them. I can thankfully report I did not develop an addiction to them.
Patience, kindness, love and understanding - Of all the elements necessary to a successful recovery (and a successful life) this is the one I was most deprived of as a kid. I lived in an environment in which I was expected to tolerate the poor parenting choices of my father and stepmother(s) and yet somehow not develop serious issues of trust and anxiety. In short, I was terrified or anxious so much of my childhood that it was only natural that I would eventually develop issues with my health years later.
I try to give myself all the patience, love and understanding I did not receive from my own family of origin as a kid. In a sense, with the help of my therapist, friends and those who have suffered and overcome long before I came into the world I am learning how to give to myself what I did not receive in sufficient measure during my early development. It has not been an easy task. Indeed, it feels incredibly arduous at times even now. But thankfully I am much better now.
Psychotherapy - I wouldn't be where I am today without the immense help of the therapist I have been seeing these last fourteen months. So I suppose this will turn into a bit of a testimonial about him. My therapist is Jeffry Jeanetta-Wark, LICSW. Jeffry operates a private practice in Roseville, Minnesota. He works with a diverse clientele and also offers skills particular to the needs of men and their own development. I feel fortunate to have discovered him. You can find his website here.
Bodywork - Unresolved grief may manifest as physical symptoms. I know that I have a tendency to internalize difficult feelings. I learned this technique very well under the influence of my biological father. The physical therapy and exercise regimen I have pursued this last year has been an important part of my journey to greater health.
Dream exploration - While a student of Naropa University I explored the powerful psychic world of dreams. Persistent nightmares can be another indicator of severe distress or even diagnosable illness. The content of dreams can, when done in a conscious, informed way, be interpreted metaphorically to represent the challenges and conflicts as well as hopes and dreams of an individual. I have learned a lot from tracking my dreams over the years. And I have come to believe that most all of us have at least some degree of ability to have pre-cognitive dreams.
Alternative medicine - While Western medicine has certainly served to support my health throughout my life I do believe it has some significant limitations. I have tried to keep an open mind regarding my health. Doing so has led me to try a variety of other treatment modalities that are often lumped under the term 'alternative medicine'. Alternative medicine may include practices such as aromatherapy, acupuncture, massage therapy as well as equine therapy and therapeutic horticulture. It's long been my belief that a vast, vast majority of people can heal themselves if they will really commit to the journey.
Creative arts - My blog has served as a major creative outlet for me these last fourteen months. I now find it difficult to imagine who I would be if I didn't write each day. I also find it difficult to imagine the person I would have become had I not been actively writing these last fourteen months. If you are a newcomer to my blog and are just now venturing forth to reclaim your own life you may feel skepticism that you can do it. Rest assured I had the same skepticism. I wondered if I could really be so disciplined and write essentially every day. Now I think back on that time and laugh a little bit at the self-doubt I allowed myself to entertain a little too much.
I have noted frequently throughout my blog how recovery is a process. It takes time. And being patient is something mature adults can be and generally are. I just wish I had more patience than I already have. It is clear that one of my biggest challenges remains cultivating a spirit of loving-kindness...for myself.
I have a friend who lives in Ohio. On Facebook he occasionally uses the hashtag #unrepentantmanchild. I laughed when I first saw it. The term very much describes me. I am also something of a man-child. I am part boy and part man and continually striving to become a healthier and happier person.
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