Was (Is) My Father a Psychopath?

Sunday, March 23, 2014


I almost feel as if I need a warning label for this posting.  I doubt my blog is being shared with minors or what would be called vulnerable adults but I feel as if I should preface this entry by stating this content is not light and fluffy in the slightest.  It's ponderous and heavy.  It is very, very heavy.

Sometimes I believe I would be much worse off now if I had not decided to commit to writing this blog last summer.  There are other moments when I wonder how I managed to find myself in this scenario.  How did I manage to become so burned out and not even realize it?  How did I find myself in this psychic place?  And how do I get out?  What is the way out?  The way out seems to require me going right into the thick heart of my grief.  Oh joy.

These thoughts have been tickling at my conscious awareness lately.  I have been wondering if perhaps my father was or is a psychopath.  This is a serious claim to make.  And I in no way intend to assassinate his character in this very publicly accessible forum.  One reason I decided to use a different name for my profile on this blog was that I wanted to be able to speak openly about some extremely difficult topics.  This is obviously one of them.

Yesterday, after speaking with Fr. Bauer at the Basilica of St. Mary, I decided to do a bit of browsing and look up the indicators of psychopathy.  As I read through the listing I did recognize a bit of my father in some of the list.  Below appears a list of psychopathy symptoms taken directly from this site.

I have highlighted the ones that stand out as appearing to apply to my father.  I added some additional commentary at a later time (1/10/2015).

Robert Hare’s Checklist of Psychopathy Symptoms:

1. GLIB AND SUPERFICIAL CHARM — the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. He can also be a great listener, to simulate empathy while zeroing in on his targets’ dreams and vulnerabilities, to be able to manipulate them better.

2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH — a grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM — an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

Though I do not recall this to be characteristic of my father's behavior I do see this as one of my own issues. I can become bored quite easily.  But I attribute this to the fact that I am really bright and want to do something much bigger than what I am doing now (1/10/2015).

4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING — can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative and dishonest.

In my own inner self-talk I have used the term 'pathological liar' to describe my father.  The biggest and most damaging lie he ever told involved the circumstances surrounding the attempted murder that nearly claimed his life in June, 1982.

Also frustrating has been the way he has responded in my later attempts to better understand that time in his life (and mine).  Though he has previously expressed supposed remorse for 'any parental failings on my part' (his own words) he would then later engage in some of the very same harmful behavior.


5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS: the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT:  a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

This issue is very much connected to indicator number four.  My father has long been a person who does not express much empathy or concern for the suffering of others.  I don't understand why that is. I have certainly thought about it plenty.  I have wondered if he has undisclosed and unhealed traumas of his own that he never dealt with in a healthy way.

7. SHALLOW AFFECT:  emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness and superficial warmth.

8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY:  a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

This issue is very much connected to indicator number six.  I can still recall my father telling a very racist joke about the African American people of New Orleans.  On other occasions he has not been hesitant to share his grim sentiments on other minorities.



9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE: an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline and the inability to carry through one’s responsibilities.

10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS:  expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

This has long been characteristic of my father.  And unfortunately, having such a poor model of behavior, I see I have had my own challenges with behavioral controls.


11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR: a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of numerous, multiple relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity (rape) or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits and conquests.

12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS: a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use and running away from home.

I cannot easily speak to this potential indicator of deeper psychological problems as I was obviously not alive when my father was an adolescent.  To better determine what my father's own adolescence was like I would have to reconstruct it through interviews with his siblings, school and medical records and so on.  Unfortunately I do not trust the interpretations and objectivity of his own siblings as I have long felt they have all been something like accomplices to his own bad behavior.  It has long been my impression that there is an unspoken agreement among my father and his still living siblings to 'Avoid, Deflect and Obfuscate at All Costs'.


13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS: an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. IMPULSIVITY: the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations and momentary urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic and reckless.

15. IRRESPONSIBILITY: repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS: a failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

As I have noted above my father has apologized for his past behavior that has proven harmful to himself and others.  And yet then he goes on to act in some of the very same ways.  If he truly appreciated and felt remorse for the significant harm he has caused to his own life and the lives of those closest to him would he not truly change his behavior.  Change can be difficult but continuing to be irresponsible and living in a world of denial almost never (in my experience) produces a positive outcome.


17. MANY SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIPS: a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including in marital and familial bonds.

18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY: behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE: a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation or failing to appear.

20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY: a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes or wrongdoings.

Meeting five of twenty criteria is not exactly impressive enough to convince me that the answer to my haunting question is a Yes.  But the fact that I can confidently state I have seen the five I have highlighted is a major cause for concern.

I do not see any therapeutic value in posing questions that I may never be able to decisively answer.  And yet that doesn't detract from the fact that I must find some way to deal with this haunting question. And unfortunately the best way to deal with it may be to never see my father again as I do not believe he will ever sufficiently cooperate to allow me to find clarity in my understanding of who he truly is.