A Bump in the Road

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

I am having an anxious day today.  I can’t quite put my finger on any particular issue that is causing my agitation.  Maybe it’s that free-floating delusional conviction that something is almost sure to go wrong now that everything seems to be moving in the direction of going well.  It appears I will begin working again next Monday…working and earning an income that is.  I consider my blog writing work…it is a ‘project’ I committed to last year with no clear idea of where it would lead me.  I only knew from the whispers of my heart that I wanted to do it.

On some level I suppose I am agitated because life sometimes seems so incredibly tenuous.  The smallest of errors sometimes seem to matter so much in the vast scheme of things.  The capacity of some people to hold grudges for such a very long time is truly disheartening.  And I see that ability to ruminate and even seethe in myself as well.  The experience of injustice can be so debilitating to our sense of personal and collective dignity.  I’ve been aware of the tenuous nature of our interconnectedness and bonds after the assault on a friend this past Saturday night.  Sometimes it seems to take all my strength to simply get up in the morning and commit yet another time to working to move my life in a positive direction.

I reached out to several individuals to seek their assistance with a project I have been formulating in my mind.  I am curious how many people within Hennepin county who have a diagnosed case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are evicted from their homes on an annual basis.  I wonder if there is any agency that collects such information and, if so, what agency that would be.  I have been really pleased with the healthcare I have been able to secure by virtue of being low income these last many months.  I don’t much care for the passive-aggressive flair of the local Minnesota culture but compared to many other parts of this country it is still a fairly good place to live.  I’m just also fed up with this brutal winter.  It might finally reach 40F again next week!  Whee!

I’m also feeling some deep grief whenever I allow myself to get caught in thoughts related to my father’s true identity.  I have been wondering if I ever genuinely knew who the man was or is now.  I have wondered if the man I knew him to be was distorted by trauma in his own life that he might never have told me about.  My memory is a bit fuzzy at the moment as I try to remember when I have written on this subject elsewhere in my blog.  I know that I have alluded to it at the very least.  Loss of identity is no small matter.  It’s become clear to me recently that I need to focus on forging an identity without reference to my paternal family of origin.  I am very interested in honoring my whole self.

I still go to see my therapist once a week…and I believe it is highly helpful to do so.  In moments of heightened anxiety as I am feeling now it is helpful to make out a list of all the good in my life…and what discernible progress I have made in the recent past.  Though I have ambitious goals for my future I can honestly say I have already accomplished an immense amount since last summer.  One big accomplishment I can celebrate is that I am no longer actively going to physical therapy.  And I intend to keep myself healthy from now on.