Thursday, March 13, 2014

How Is That Identity Crisis Working Out For You?

Thursday, March 13, 2014

I acknowledged the truth of my deepest feelings the other day on Facebook.  I feel a need for new...everything.  It seems I could not feel any other way considering that it still hasn't been even a year since I finally found the 'right' treatment to successfully address my earlier life history.  While speaking with my therapist yesterday I appreciated just how unique a person I apparently am.

At one point in our session yesterday evening I was talking about this particular phenomenon I experience every so often in which I appreciate the three dimensional nature of the world.  I wrote about this phenomenon quite recently here in my blog.  And I noticed it happening again tonight.  It's not that I didn't see the three-dimensional world as just that when I was a kid...but somehow I wasn't fully there.  I wasn't completely present in my body so I was perceiving the world but I wasn't fully present to the experience.  Sometimes I find myself marveling at how the world has...depth.  The world extends beyond height and width...there is also depth.  And I realize I need something of depth in my life...I need depth in my professional life as well as my personal life.  At least I am more fully appreciating the depth of my well as how long I have been 'living' without fulfilling them.

After speaking about the world of three dimensions with my therapist I asked him if he had ever had any clients report experiencing such a phenomenon after receiving EMDR therapy.  He replied in the negative.  Yes indeed, I am one unique man with a most unusual life history.  I have long felt lucky to be alive today given what I experienced as a kid.  And awakening in the world with a restored and clarified vision has certainly been its own special way.  Coming out of a state of trauma seems as difficult and transformative as descending into the abyss after first experiencing trauma.

I long ago reached a point of no-return in my healing process.  But the journey that stands before me still seems immense.  It also seems enjoyable, arduous, stimulating and amazing...all at the same time.  Because this 'new' Me is still so new I feel it would be of great interest to people in the future to read my gradually growing documentary of recovering from PTSD as contained within this blog.  I enjoy challenging myself to write each day.  And now that I am working for an income the discipline I need to maintain faithful to my daily writing seems even greater.

I have noticed another phenomenon recently that seems rather...unique.  I'll be sitting engaged in whatever activity that has my attention and suddenly I will find memories from so many different times of my earlier life bubbling up into my conscious awareness.  The memories that come into my mind rarely seem related to one another.  And the memories are not necessarily upsetting or joyful.  I sometimes find it strange how quickly they appear.  I haven't yet spoken with my therapist about this phenomenon but I plan to when I see him next week.

The clutches of winter are finally beginning to loosen their grip on Minnesota.  We lost a lot more snow cover today under the influence of the sun.  But it will become colder again in the coming days.  Nonetheless, the trend is upward now.  I can see grass appearing as the snow melts away.  I look forward to seeing that grass awaken.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!