The Ides of March

Saturday, March 15, 2014

How funny that I should write the following on what is also known as the Ides of March.  As I have noted in recent postings I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed and disheartened lately.  I’m not sure what to make of it.  Maybe this is the nine month lull some people going through recovery typically experience.  I am not sure.  As Dr. Colorado once taught me the value of making offerings to and honoring my ancestors, both those who have passed as well as those who still live, I write the following to request help at this tender time in my life.

Dear Any Kind Ancestor Who Will Listen,

I am writing to ask for your help.  My life is nothing like I want it to be…and I am very weary of that.  Each day I wake up I try to move in the direction of something better…in the direction of a brighter future that will fulfill the full range of my needs.  And though my life does seem to be changing for the better I find myself remaining skeptical.  I remain skeptical that all my efforts will bear the fruit that I want them to.  My efforts are producing some sort of results…but are those results what I want?  That is one of many questions on my mind.  What good is it to till the soil and plant the seeds if what ultimately grows means nothing to you?  And that is not a rhetorical question…at least not entirely.

One of the most influential people I met on my life journey thus far was Dr. Pamela Colorado.  It has been eleven years since I first encountered her.  I met her in California.  And the path I walked with her direction forever changed the course of my life.  I had the amazing opportunity to travel to Hawaii and sit in a circle with other students and do some most amazing things.  I was –reintroduced to the art of storytelling…and the healing potential this ancient art can bring to us supposed modern human beings.

I also studied my dreams.  I learned to value them as a means of gaining insight not just into my own psyche but the world at large.  Dreams can be powerful signposts on our life journeys if we will just pay attention to them.  In the years that have passed since I first met Dr. Colorado I have attempted to be more mindful regarding my dreams.  Sometimes I have succeeded in paying attention to them.  There have been other stretches in which I have not been so mindful.  Like carving a beautiful figure out of marble I now need to carve a new dream for my future life.  I have been putting the pieces together so far…and gradually a new image is appearing.  And yet I still cannot see that clearly what the image is that is forming.

Among the many improvements I have experienced in my health since I returned to therapy last June is the improvement in my eyesight.  At first I was not sure what was happening to me.  I felt a certain amount of fear as I was not sure if I was improving or getting worse.  The technique I was introduced to that has so radically changed my life is called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy.  Since first undergoing this therapy last summer I noticed my actual vision improved.  My capacity to distinguish the most subtle interplay of light and shadow as well as hues of color improved markedly.  There were some days when it felt as if I had superhero powered vision.  Eventually I learned not to fear what was unfolding but rather to interpret it as one sign among many that I was becoming a new, ‘upgraded’ version of the ‘old’ me.  My full scale metamorphosis was underway.

It’s been nearly nine months now since I returned to therapy.  I feel myself to be such a different person now.  And yet I still feel achingly far removed from the person I want to be and the life I want to have.  My journey these last nine months has been something equivalent to being released from a cage I didn’t even realize I was in.  It’s liberating, bizarre, scary and wondrous all at the same time.  Some days I find myself enjoying what is unfolding and other days I simply want to hide away and not be present and witness the transformation.

I’ve planted so many ‘seeds of change’ in my life by remaining dedicated to the deep changes I have made in my daily life.  And there are many obvious changes that have already occurred.  And yet I look around at the ‘outer’ world and see that much of my life is still not what I want it to be.  And I ask myself why it is that certain deeper patterns in my life apparently continue to persist.  What will it take to remove them so that they never reoccur.  This is another question I have on my mind…and one I would like an answer to.

Nearly three years ago, in May, 2011, I made a journey to the Hawaiian Island of Moloka’I. I undertook this journey to attend a week long breathwork retreat under the facilitation of Christian de la Huerta.  Christian is a breathwork practitioner and great friend whom I also once met in California several years ago.  I had not been to Hawaii in a few years when I made this trip.  My love for Hawaii was rekindled during that weeklong getaway.  But then something happened when I went to Maui after the retreat was over.

I stayed in the condo of a friend in Kihei while visiting Maui over the course of a weekend.  On that Sunday morning I opened up the newspaper…the Maui Times.  And there on the front page was a story about the Nazi legacy that still affects so many people today.  It seemed more than a bit surreal that I would pull open a newspaper on an island literally on the other side of the planet from Germany and find such a story on the one and only Sunday that I was visiting Maui.  It seemed especially well timed.  Indeed, it seemed to me my blood ancestors were being a bit ‘trickster-ish’ and sending me an invitation to visit Germany.  And I did just that…two years later…and now nine months ago.  These last nine months have felt like muddling through a vast morass.  I need some help!  And I will take help from whatever direction it is offered. 

And so I ask you, any ancestor who will listen, the following:

Guard and protect me on my path.

Help me to move forward in the direction of the glorious life I can have.

Teach me to remain patient even when the changes I am hoping to make do not seem to be manifesting in my present day reality.

Help me to have humility and trust that all is assisting me in moving in the direction of my highest good.

Help me also to have patience with myself and fully know that the life I am seeking to create will indeed come to me.

Help me to pay attention to my dreams and be open to their wisdom.

Guide me in the direction of my true vocational calling.

Help me to walk into and through whatever fears I may have.

Help me to accentuate the positive in my life…this is what I should focus upon.

Focusing on what is lacking will only bring more of it.  Let me focus on the abundance of the good I already have in my life.

Help me to create a life in which my work utilizes the full range of my skills and abilities.

Let me go to sleep each night knowing that I have done the best I could for both myself and those creatures, human and otherwise, who are a part of my life.

And help me to remember gratitude for all that I already have and enjoy.

I believe my ancestors have helped me before.  And I believe they can help me in the future.  Please give me aid during this time of deep transformation.

In addition to the prayer I made above, I wrote the following to the Ombudsman of Hennepin County today.  I need all the help I can get!


Saturday, March 15, 2014

Hello Ms. Ayres,

I am reaching out to you at the recommendation of Anne Maturi-Doan.  Anne is a social worker who practices in Hennepin County.  I was first referred to her by my primary care doctor, Dr. Jeff Myers, of the Doctors Clinic Uptown in Minneapolis.

I have a rather complex situation and feel I may be in need of greater resources above and beyond what I already have in place.  I will do my best to be concise as I assume you probably receive a large volume of communications from individuals within your jurisdiction of Hennepin County.  I'll speak somewhat like a doctor would presenting a patient to a superior.

I am a 40 year old gay white male.  I am currently technically homeless and have been unjustly evicted twice since late November of last year.  I will spare the details of these incidents unless you request to know them.  In June of last year I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  The diagnosis came as something of a shock because I have attempted to be proactive and healthy throughout my life.  I have also gone to therapy previously and thought I had successfully addressed the impact that numerous traumatic experiences in my childhood had had on my development and current health.  I was thus surprised when I was diagnosed last summer.  I have since been working with a therapist on regular basis who operates a private practice in Roseville.

Here is another aspect of my complicated situation.  I completed a graduate degree in international environmental policy three years ago.  I obtained my degree at the Monterey Institute of International Studies.  In the three years since I graduated I have attempted to find a job commensurate with my skill set that will allow me to create a sustainable financial and professional life for myself.  Despite three years of looking for meaningful work in a number of markets (the state of California; Portland, OR; Washington, DC and now the Twin Cities area) I still find myself no better off in regards to my professional life than I was three whole years ago.  This experience alone has been extremely disheartening to deal with.  And the financial pressure I have borne in the last several years has made truly and completely recovering from PTSD a more challenging process.

I do not have substantial connections to my paternal family of origin here in Minnesota.  And my early life trauma is due in part to the failure of my father's extended family to pay greater attention to what was happening to me in my own home.  My childhood has been marked by numerous difficult experiences including my birthmother becoming ill with schizophrenia, nearly losing my father to gun violence perpetrated by my first stepmother, police corruption and homophobia that was quite common in Texas twenty to thirty years ago.  My stepmother was never prosecuted for attempted murder.  You can well understand, I now imagine, why I would have developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder early in life.

The field of medicine as practiced in this country, though of great support to me at different times in my life, was not perfect either (nor did I expect it to be perfect).  I became much more proactive about my mental health when I received what I now believe is a 'more' correct diagnosis than what I had been given when I pursued mental health care related treatment earlier in my life.

So now I come to the point of asking for your specific help:

Given my life history in which a number of institutions (my family of origin, law enforcement, the field of medicine) failed to ensure the fulfillment of my most basic human needs (or at least could have done a better job than they ultimately did) AND given the fact that I was never able to obtain monetary damages for the harm the various traumas I experienced caused to my own early development and health as an adult AND given the fact that I have done everything in my power to rise above the circumstances I grew up in (as evidenced by 1) my willingness to go to therapy with little if any encouragement from my family and 2) my commitment to my own professional development that led me to obtain two graduate degrees as well as offer many hours of my time in volunteer service to a number of organizations in both the private and public sectors) I want to explore if there is some means by which I can reduce the tremendous burden of student loan debt I now am carrying by virtue of the burden of my diagnosed condition of PTSD which developed in direct response to the actions of others which were beyond my control or knowledge.  

I have dedicated the last nine months of my life to my own journey of healing.  I have always tried to be a generous man as I believe in the fundamental dignity of human beings and their inherent worth...regardless of who they are, where they come from, what level of education they have, what they do for a living, etc.  Shortly after my unexpected diagnosis I began writing a daily blog in which I recount my journey of healing.  I created this blog as a public forum and also as an inspiration to others dealing with burdens they never should have to deal with alone.  If you would like to read from my blog it can be found at this web address: bcwellkamp.blogspot.com.

I am currently considering a job retraining program for dislocated workers I first learned about through the south Minneapolis Workforce Center.  I want to create a different career for myself.  I changed my focus after the events of last year fundamentally changed my outlook on my life and what I find worthwhile.

I attend local services of Metropolitan Community Church located at 3100 Park Avenue, Minneapolis.

This coming Friday I will speak with a counselor at Lutheran Financial Services regarding my student loan debt and what options might exist for me.

As I mentioned above, I maintain a daily blog documenting my experience of recovery.  The experience of writing is a very therapeutic one for me.

I appreciate your willingness to take the time to read my correspondence.  I realize the information I have provided might be a bit overwhelming.  If you can provide me any referrals or resources that might help me move beyond my current very difficult circumstances I would greatly appreciate your assistance.

I am attaching a copy of my resume so you can gain a better understanding of my professional background.  I welcome any questions you may have.  Please contact me as soon as you are able.