Friday, March 14, 2014
Yesterday during a brief pause from work I ventured outside. It was one of those March days when you can finally begin to believe that Spring and all its beautiful splendor and renewal is truly nearing. I could almost taste Spring in the air. The sun is so strong compared to the time of the Winter Solstice. The snow melts away so much more easily now. Then I witnessed the worst of human behavior. It cast a bit of a pall over the day.
Shortly before I arrived at Walgreens I witnessed a very young man (meaning less than 30 YOA) taunting a homeless woman. Yes, you read that correctly. At first I was hoping I was not hearing his words correctly. But as I neared him and passed on I very clearly heard the words he was directing at the woman. She sat on the ground somewhat bundled up (thankfully). She had several teeth missing. She didn't look forlorn. But being harassed by a young man was something she obviously did not need. I felt badly for her. On my way back from Walgreens I approached her again. The man had vanished. I offered her a weak smile, a quarter and my sympathies for the harassment she had experienced. Sometimes, even with all the life experience I have, some things still surprise me...even when I know they supposedly should not (since I have been witness to far worse human behavior). It turns my stomach when I see people treat others so poorly. The world can be such an amazingly beautiful place...if only we would all summon the courage and integrity to unite in such a vision.
I don't know if that dark moment of my Thursday is still polluting my heart more than I consciously am aware of. Perhaps it's mixed in with many other elements of my life now that are also causing me some distress. Lately I feel that I am slipping a bit. My recovery seems to be stalling. I don't feel I am regressing by any means. But I do feel weary. I feel very weary at present.
I wrote about this feeling earlier today in the realm of social media. Apparently it is not atypical for people to 'hit a wall' in their recovery process. Indeed, it apparently happens often enough that there are certain time markers in the voyage of recovery when people experience a lull. According to one friend it is not uncommon for these lulls to occur at some point that is a multiple of a three month period of time. It's basically been about nine months since I returned to therapy (yet again!) only to discover that all the previous treatment had not achieved what a relatively few number of sessions complemented by EMDR therapy was able to unleash. Yesterday I jokingly spoke about the experience of being in an identity crisis. And even though it can be fun and therapeutic to use humor to chase away dark feelings it doesn't exactly cure a feeling of malaise. It seems only natural that malaise sets in at some point on the journey back from the abyss. Recovery is a process. Recovery can also be immensely difficult work. As with anything it is wise to take a breather from such intensive focus and simply allow yourself to...breathe.
A few weeks ago I took a break from my blog writing. Looking back it's clear to me that I could sense the impending lull that now seems to have become full-blown. I needed a break so that the well within my own heart could fill up. Indeed, so much of my process of self-inquiry has been underscored by the immense realization that my life has too long been marked by an imbalance between how much I give to others and how much I give to myself. A major reorientation is under way now. And it has been so for nine months now. There are days when I want to be done with this entire process. And then there are other days when I seem to have the patience of a saint. As I have remarked many times previously, recovery from trauma does not follow a straight line. It seems to be more of a wandering journey.
In one week the days and nights will be of equal length. Thereafter we will enter the lighter half of the year here in the Northern Hemisphere. I pray to rediscover balance in my own life.
I need to immense myself in the compassion I have so long given to others more easily than I have given to myself. I need to breathe deeply. I need to have fun. I need to feel warm sunlight on my face again. I need to believe in the fundamental goodness of people (is this a delusional belief to hold?).
The time in the cocoon is a time so pregnant with power. Transformation...it is not a small matter.
Yesterday during a brief pause from work I ventured outside. It was one of those March days when you can finally begin to believe that Spring and all its beautiful splendor and renewal is truly nearing. I could almost taste Spring in the air. The sun is so strong compared to the time of the Winter Solstice. The snow melts away so much more easily now. Then I witnessed the worst of human behavior. It cast a bit of a pall over the day.
Shortly before I arrived at Walgreens I witnessed a very young man (meaning less than 30 YOA) taunting a homeless woman. Yes, you read that correctly. At first I was hoping I was not hearing his words correctly. But as I neared him and passed on I very clearly heard the words he was directing at the woman. She sat on the ground somewhat bundled up (thankfully). She had several teeth missing. She didn't look forlorn. But being harassed by a young man was something she obviously did not need. I felt badly for her. On my way back from Walgreens I approached her again. The man had vanished. I offered her a weak smile, a quarter and my sympathies for the harassment she had experienced. Sometimes, even with all the life experience I have, some things still surprise me...even when I know they supposedly should not (since I have been witness to far worse human behavior). It turns my stomach when I see people treat others so poorly. The world can be such an amazingly beautiful place...if only we would all summon the courage and integrity to unite in such a vision.
I don't know if that dark moment of my Thursday is still polluting my heart more than I consciously am aware of. Perhaps it's mixed in with many other elements of my life now that are also causing me some distress. Lately I feel that I am slipping a bit. My recovery seems to be stalling. I don't feel I am regressing by any means. But I do feel weary. I feel very weary at present.
I wrote about this feeling earlier today in the realm of social media. Apparently it is not atypical for people to 'hit a wall' in their recovery process. Indeed, it apparently happens often enough that there are certain time markers in the voyage of recovery when people experience a lull. According to one friend it is not uncommon for these lulls to occur at some point that is a multiple of a three month period of time. It's basically been about nine months since I returned to therapy (yet again!) only to discover that all the previous treatment had not achieved what a relatively few number of sessions complemented by EMDR therapy was able to unleash. Yesterday I jokingly spoke about the experience of being in an identity crisis. And even though it can be fun and therapeutic to use humor to chase away dark feelings it doesn't exactly cure a feeling of malaise. It seems only natural that malaise sets in at some point on the journey back from the abyss. Recovery is a process. Recovery can also be immensely difficult work. As with anything it is wise to take a breather from such intensive focus and simply allow yourself to...breathe.
A few weeks ago I took a break from my blog writing. Looking back it's clear to me that I could sense the impending lull that now seems to have become full-blown. I needed a break so that the well within my own heart could fill up. Indeed, so much of my process of self-inquiry has been underscored by the immense realization that my life has too long been marked by an imbalance between how much I give to others and how much I give to myself. A major reorientation is under way now. And it has been so for nine months now. There are days when I want to be done with this entire process. And then there are other days when I seem to have the patience of a saint. As I have remarked many times previously, recovery from trauma does not follow a straight line. It seems to be more of a wandering journey.
In one week the days and nights will be of equal length. Thereafter we will enter the lighter half of the year here in the Northern Hemisphere. I pray to rediscover balance in my own life.
I need to immense myself in the compassion I have so long given to others more easily than I have given to myself. I need to breathe deeply. I need to have fun. I need to feel warm sunlight on my face again. I need to believe in the fundamental goodness of people (is this a delusional belief to hold?).
The time in the cocoon is a time so pregnant with power. Transformation...it is not a small matter.
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